{Winning} the Old Fashioned Way: Workshopping the New XFL Rules

Vince McMahon announced last week, that he was bringing the XFL back. This new XFL, version 2.0, will be different from the original league, in many ways. The XFL will be family friendly so there will be no cheerleaders, no anthem protests, no players with arrest records, and no politics whatsoever. Just Americana and football.

Because the league won’t kick off until 2020, there are many rules that have not been announced yet. But we have obtained an exclusive memo that details some of the other rules McMahon is workshopping.

• Players must stand during national anthem.
• No demonstrating or politics on the field, while wearing any XFL apparel, or while under XFL contract.
• The XFL will not hire anyone who has been arrested, including DUI violations.
• We will build a wall along the southern, most dangerous border of the field. It will be a great wall.
• Players will not be drug tested but they will be subject to two random American citizenship tests per season.
• Players will not be helped up by teammates. They must pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
• Concussions are illegal and will not be tolerated.
• Concussed players will be put into a “Concussion Protocol,” suspended until they understand that concussions are bad.
• Injured players must lay flat on the ground so as to not be confused with social justice protests.
• Every player must sing the National Anthem as loud as they can. Team who sings with most combined decibels starts with the ball.
• Referees will wear body cameras.
• No field goals. Soccer is gay.
• Locker rooms are for men only. Female reporters are allowed but must wait in the powder room.
• Female reporters must be beautiful and sexy but not sluts.
• Point after touchdowns are earned by thanking a Christian God aloud, in front of a camera. Neil Gorsuch will determine the authenticity of the praise.
• No touchdown celebrations. Dancing is gay.
• Fans featured on the Adam and Eve (Not Adam and Steve) Kiss Cam must keep kisses under 3 seconds.
• Referee crews with consist of 4 sanctioned refs and 2 coal miners.
• No vegans.