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I am sure that Josés have changed the world throughout history and across cultures. In fact, I am so sure of that, I won’t even research or fact check it, I will just assume Josés are some of the most important people everywhere, except for Norway and Tajikistan.
Even though sports is objectively not as important as politics, diplomacy, science, or pizza technology, I have come here to celebrate my favorite Josés in every sport. Without further ado, welcome to my José Hall of Fame.
Baseball
Choosing the greatest José baseball player is a very tricky exercise. José Altuve is the reigning MVP of the American League and leader of last year’s World Series champs. José Fernandez was on the way to becoming an all-time great pitcher, before he passed away two years ago in an unfortunate tragedy. José Reyes won a batting title by cowardly bunting for a single on the last day of the season. José Offerman insanely punched an umpire as a manager, just two years after he attacked a pitcher with a bat as a player!
And while “NOW That’s What I Call José Vol. 3” is a weird compilation of baseball triviality, no baseball individual is a weirder mix of highs and lows than José Canseco Capas Jr., the rascal we all know as José Canseco. Canseco’s 16 major league seasons are highlighted by gobs of mammoth home runs, two World Series championships, an MVP award, a Rookie of the Year honor, four All-Star selections, and yet none of that will be associated with Canseco as much as the copious amounts of steroids he admitted to doing. You can read about that and more in his conspiratorial and self-aggrandizing two book series, “Juiced” and “Vindicated.”
But more than the 462 home runs or any of the awards or any of the steroids and controversies, Canseco injected into his life, I will remember Canseco for two bizarrities. First, Canseco, decidedly NOT a pitcher, was brought on to pitch, in a 1993 game at Fenway Park. Not only did he get absolutely shelled, but he ended up doing so much damage to his arm that he had to undergo Tommy John surgery that prematurely ended his season.
And then there is the most famous José Canseco play, which is like choosing your favorite Kanye West meltdown. Canseco, a notoriously bad fielding outfielder, once missed a fly ball with his glove, but did catch it with his inflated head, providing an ideal surface to pop the ball back up and over the fence for a home run. This was a #facepalm, before #facepalms were things.
José Canseco is basically a Stefon punchline because this guy has everything. Moonshots, hypodermic needles, celebrity boxing, divorces, tell-all books, The Surreal Life, and blackballing. While other Josés have left their marks, no athlete is as delightfully weird as José Canseco.
Basketball
The NBA has neither the same embarrassment nor the same embarrassment of (José) riches as baseball, but there are some options. José Calderon is a journeyman NBA player who once led the league in three-point field goal percentage and once led the league in free throw percentage. Boring, right?
Fortunately we were blessed with JJ Barea, whose first J stands for José!
José J(uan) Barea is less than 6 feet tall and plays like your rascally friend in pick-up games, weaving his way through defenders but never shying away from conflict or contact. In his 12 seasons, Barea has been a consummate bench star. And like the home run off of Canseco’s melon, I have saved the best part of JJ Barea for last: He looks exactly like Billy Riggins from Friday Night Lights.
(Yep.)
Football
A guy named José looking like Billy Riggins, also might be as close we get to greatness from a José on the gridiron. While ProFootball Reference shows a handful of Josés who made it to the NFL, only one lasted more than a couple seasons. The only remarkable thing about kicker José Cortez is how unremarkable he was. In parts of six NFL seasons, José Cortez played for eight teams, and in 2005 bounced from the Colts to the Cowboys to the Eagles to the 49ers. Now he sits amongst José greats!
Hockey
You thought I would just skip hockey, because how in the world would there be a hockey-playing José if there was barely a football-playing José? But that’s because you are racist. Or José-ist, and honestly, I am not sure what is worse.
José Theodore was an all-star goaltender who is one of four players ever to win the award for the best goalie in the league and MVP of the league the same year. Theodore played mainly for the Montreal Canadiens and Colorado Avalanche and, most oddly and notably, followed up Patrick Roy’s Hall of Fame careers with both teams. How weird is that? When Roy left Montreal for Colorado, Theodore was there… and then when Roy retired in Colorado, the Avalanche went with the only guy who had proven he could fill Roy’s void, and brought over Theodore. (Also, both players each have two first names!).
While José Theodore was not good enough to make the Hockey Hall of Fame, like Patrick Roy, he is absolutely good enough to make the José Hall of Fame.
Soccer
You could field a starting 11 of great Josés on the pitch, but no José would have as great an impact as the José who would unquestionably be their manager. José Mourinho is often thought of as the best soccer manager ever. His resume is a who’s who of club soccer behemoths, and also a great lesson in the fickle nature of being a world-class soccer manager. He has won titles with club teams in England, Portugal, Spain, and Italy, even though he has never stayed with any team more than three seasons.
Golf
Golfer José Maria Olazabal is really only known for a handful of achievements. In the 90s, he won a pair of green jackets at The Masters. For three decades of Ryder Cups, he was a perpetual European thorn in the side of the U.S. team. And his last name is a perfect execution of the Barthalona lisp (pronounced oh-la-THA-bul). I like to imagine that if they ever make a 30 for 30 about Olazabal, Javier Bardem will be the narrator.
Congrats to all of the Josés for their accomplishments, big and small, that led them to glory. We celebrate you all and encourage future Josés to really get into swimming, car racing, and Quidditch.
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