{What a Sucker}: A Definitive, Super-Scientific Ranking of Popular Lollipops

Lollipops were the ultimate candy. Doctor’s offices and banks gave them away like, well, candy on Halloween, and the assortment of flavors meant there was something for everyone. I defy you to find someone who didn’t love a good lollipop in their youth—and if you do, don’t tell me because it would kinda ruin the thing I’ve got going here.

As ubiquitous as the sucker might be, one looming question remains: Which one is the best?

I decided to take on the extremely important task of coming to a conclusion on this matter. In order to keep things from spiraling out of control, I limited myself to the lollipops I actually had as a child (which meant excluding those gigantic rainbow spiral pops). My grocery store didn’t have Ring Pops, unfortunately, but I made due and was able to decide which suckers top the charts and which ones, frankly, suck.

The Tasting of the Pops

For the sake of keeping the results as flat as possible, I went with all strawberry pops, except for the two pomegranate-flavored ones (because yum)! To avoid bias, my husband chose the order I ate them in. What follows are my notes as they were recorded during the taste tests.

Dum-Dums (strawberry)

Pre-Taste Thoughts

• These are very small; clearly meant for a child’s mouth. Are they even worth it as an adult?
• There’s not much of a scent.
• This has a similar shape to Blow Pops, but obviously much smaller.

Post-Taste Thoughts

• I remember being worried about slicing my tongue on these.
• Is strawberry a really weak flavor profile, or is this not very flavorful?
• It lost its shape quickly.
• The edges did indeed get very sharp toward the end, so I just bit it.

Blow Pop (strawberry)

Pre-Taste Thought

• This has a slight smell, but I feel like it’s coming from the gum interior.

Post-Taste Thoughts

• The first taste just makes me think that I now know what the wrapper tastes like.
• Actually, the plastic-y flavor is persisting. It’s like I’m licking plastic that was dipped in strawberry water.
• The flavor has started to build after a while, but I feel like my spit is doing that.
• So far, this lollipop is retaining its shape and smoothness.
• Wait, I’m remembering that this one also had a “tongue slice” danger . . .
• The closer you get to the center, the more this just tastes like sweetness/gum flavor.
• Biting isn’t necessary, as the lollipop outer layer easily dissolves, but I like the texture of the crunchy candy against the soft gum.
• OH MY GOD, THIS GUM IS SO HARD!!! WHAT THE HELL?! I don’t remember it being this fucking difficult to chew! Blow Pop, who hurt you?

Jumbo Push Pop (strawberry)

Pre-Taste Thoughts

• God, I remember hating how the inside of this lollipop case got really moist, which did not feel great when you were putting your finger in there for the pushing of the pop.
• I don’t remember the lollipop being on a spring . . . . Oh. They got rid of having to put your finger in the case by mounting the candy part on a spring. That’s kind of an improvement . . . . Still weird though.
• This smells like weak Kool-Aid.

Post-Taste Thoughts

• This is NOT a strawberry flavor.
• Instant no.
• This tastes like chapstick. Definitely the worst one.

Juicy Drop Pop (strawberry lemonade)

Pre-Taste Thoughts

• This is very cumbersome already.
• The strongest scent (of the strawberry pops), but I feel like it’s the lemonade scent/flavor that’s causing this.
• The candy gel smells like Kool-Aid.

Post-Taste Thoughts

• I’m beginning to think that no lollipop company knows what strawberries taste like.
• I can feel this taste in my sinuses, and that’s not good.
• There’s a little rectangular divot to put the candy gel in, which is a little awkward aesthetically but actually practical.
• The gel is definitely the best part of this, but it’s a pretty sharp taste; wouldn’t recommend to anyone who doesn’t like their candy supes sour.
• The gel pushes this higher than the Push Pop, but that aftertaste (kind of metallic) is not doing it any favors.

Tootsie Pop (pomegranate)

Pre-Taste Thoughts

• I remember these being the best.
• In fact, this is the lollipop I’ve probably eaten the most frequently as an adult.
• Is this a cut-tongue risk?

Post-Taste Thoughts

• Forgot to write down that this one has a smell.
• I love the tangy flavor, which may not be pomegranate exactly, but it’s absolutely the most flavorful.
• It started to sharpen, but I managed to smooth it down.
• Wait, no. It sharpened again at the top.
• Much like the Blow Pop, biting into it is the best part.
• How did they manage to make a Tootsie Roll center, which is chocolate flavored, work with all the available Tootsie Pop flavors?!**

**As someone who doesn’t like mixing chocolate with fruit flavors in general (or fruit with any dessert, for that matter), this is a big win.

Original Gourmet (pomegranate raspberry)

Pre-Taste Thoughts

• Opening these is always a pain in the ass.
• The smell is vaguely medicinal.
• I love the smooth, round shape; definitely the best shape of all the lollipops.
• There’s a heft to this; it seems like you could crack a tooth if you came in too hot.

Post-Taste Thoughts

• The flavor seems like its own aftertaste—meaning I imagine this flavor is the aftertaste from a more-flavorful lollipop.
• The actual aftertaste is medicinal, like the smell—kind of like if Robitussin were actually an appealing flavor while still clearly being medicine.
• This particular lollipop is physically unstable; I think it was dropped post-wrapping because there are uncharacteristic hairline cracks all over it.
• I now feel bummed out about this not having a treat in the center . . .

So, Which Pop Reigns Supreme?

The Tootsie Pop is the clear winner! A lollipop is all about flavor (and sugar, of course), and this was the best-tasting lollipop out of the bunch—hands down. I’d like this even without the lump of Tootie Roll in the center, but at the same time, its addition factors into why this is the No. 1 selection.

Which Pop Goes In the Trash?

Get the fuck out, Jumbo Push Pop. You are a disgrace to lollipops, and not just because you’re eschewing the classic construction. I would’ve forgiven the spring-based construction if you’d tasted better, but you failed there too! I actively gagged. 0/10; would not subscribe.

Overall Ranking

1. Tootsie Pop—Duh
2. Original Gourmet—The shape far outweighs the medicine smell/taste
3. Dum-Dums—It may not have a lot of flavor, but at least it didn’t betray me with shitty gum
4. Blow Pop—It may have betrayed me with shitty gum, but at least it makes sense
5. Juicy Drop Pop—Fam, you’re all over the place (weird, vaguely popsicle-ish shape; a gel that tastes better than the actual lollipop, but barely). Get it together.
6. Jumbo Push Pop—NEVER AGAIN.