Trump’s COVID-19 Press Conference: Sea Monkeys and Other Treatments That Are Definitely Very Scientific

“Supposing we hit the body with a tremendous, whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful light … and then I said supposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do either through the skin or in some other way. And I think you said you’re gonna test that,” Trump said, addressing Bryan. “And then I see disinfectant, where it knocks it [coronavirus] out in a minute—one minute—and is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside, or almost a cleaning. Because you see it gets in the lungs and it does a tremendous number on the lungs, so it’d be interesting to check that. So, that you’re going to have to use medical doctors with, but it sounds interesting to me.”

— President Donald J. Trump, April 22, 2020

Trump while having dinner with Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin:

“Steve, has anyone looked into using a very powerful vacuum to suck the virus out of people’s lungs? You know I’m actually friends with Jimmy Dyson. People hate the government but they love vacuums. They love the Dyson brand. I’ve heard Dyson vacuums are powered by little tornados. I have no idea how they catch the tornados and shrink them down like that but apparently it’s true.”

Trump on a call with German Chancellor Angela Merkel:

“Well the doctors tell me they know the virus is in the lungs, but they tell me they don’t know where in the lungs. One asked me, just recently in fact, could you help us find it? And I said maybe we could use Sea Monkeys.

When I was a kid they sold these kits with a plastic container, you’d fill it up with water and pour in the little sea monkeys that came in a pouch. Did you have those in Germany? They were very popular here. Tremendous, tremendous pets. The best ratings—much bigger than Bo Obama or Boots the cat. So I told the doctors, maybe we could put the sea monkeys into people’s blood—you know people who have the virus. Maybe they could help find the virus in the lungs. Perhaps using a homing beacon of some kind. I have no idea if they still sell the kits with the sea monkeys. They were really hard to see, I remember that. But the doctors say they will see if they can find some online. Maybe that could help.”

Trump in a briefing with the Joint Chiefs of Staff:

“What do folks do for the hiccups? I do a spoonful of peanut butter. JIF in particular seems to work best. I keep a 64 ounce jar of Extra Creamy JIF on my bed stand just in case I wake up with hiccups. I’m not really sure, but you know peanut butter is very sticky—they say women shouldn’t touch the stuff because of how it goes straight to their thighs. But, I think that may be why it helps with the hiccups, because it’s very, very sticky. So maybe the virus would, you know, stick to peanut butter, or maybe a hazelnut spread. Is anyone trying to test that?”

Trump calling in to a local Tallahassee radio show:

“Stevie Miller had a marvelous idea that I think is really great. Apparently this virus does just horrific things to the lungs, but if you get it somewhere else—say your stomach or your pinky toe—it’s a big nothing burger. Maybe one case, one death, but nothing like the fake news has been saying. Because you know we’re doing a tremendous job.

Anyways, Stevie has this idea that we could maybe build a wall around the lungs. Now Stevie thinks a wall can solve any problem, it’s true, but he’s a smart kid. Obviously in this case it’s not an actual wall—it’s a bit of a metaphor. But it would be a physical wall of some kind that protected the lungs from the virus. Maybe with holes so you could still breathe. So we are looking into it.”

Trump chatting with his personal hairdresser:

“Yesterday I was talking to Dr. Fauci, and I said, ‘You know our bodies are pretty good at fighting viruses.’ Most people think if you get sick you need to go to the doctor to get medicine, but you know your body actually makes its own medicine. Not a lot of people know that! So I said, ‘Tony,’—I call him Tony, I’m the President so he lets me call him Tony—what if we tried to get the body to make its own medicine to fight this virus?’ And he said, ‘Mr. President, you just invented the idea of a vaccine.’ And I didn’t know that. I didn’t know about vaccines but Tony said he couldn’t believe I’d just come up with that idea myself when some very smart people—it took them hundreds of years to discover vaccines. And then I also came up with vaccines, much, much quicker. So apparently they are already working on developing vaccines for this, which is great, but I didn’t know.”