Trump Taps Eco-Villain, Hoggish Greedly, to Run EPA

WASHINGTON (The Prompt) — Donald Trump will name former Planeteer Eco-Villain Hoggish Greedly, an ardent supporter of pollution, as head of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). The President confirmed Greedly’s nomination in a tweet Friday.

“Democrats will try to attack and slander the new EPA chief, my friend for many years, Hoggish Greedly,” Trump tweeted. “He is a GOOD GUY, always honest and trustworthy!!! #MAGA”

The move elevates a Planeteers’ critic—Greedly has repeatedly, violently and clumsily opposed the children’s environmental group several times—to the position of EPA administrator.

“Mr. Greedly has great qualifications and a good record as a global business leader who understands the regulatory issues faced by industry,” Presidential Director of Truth Deception Kellyanne Conway told reporters Friday.Trump’s choice of Greedly fits neatly with the president’s recent promise to only select the worst people imaginable for his cabinet.

Last month, he chose kidnapper and former head Gobbler Marisa Coulter to lead Immigration and Citizenship Enforcement (ICE). He has also selected owner and chairman of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant Charles Montgomery Burns to lead Department of Energy (DOE) and evil humanoid alien witch Rita Repulsa to lead the Department of Education.

Greedly’s nomination has drawn sharp criticism from environmentalists concerned that he would punish companies with sustainability programs already in place. “Hoggish Greedly has built his career by undermining global efforts to protect the environment,” said Ma-Ti, Planeteer and bearer of the heart ring, in statement communed through his telepathic powers to all of Earth’s creatures. “He is a deeply troubling choice.”

Greedly has been at the forefront of several controversial business ventures that brought him into direct confrontation with Captain Planet and the Planeteers. His work in the automobile industry, beachfront hotels, and offshore oil drilling have been targets of Planeteers’ activism.

The selection of Greedly surprised many. Until last week, the Administration was rumored to be deliberating between Doctor Blight, Verminous Skumm, and Zarm. But Hoggish Greedly emerged as a dark horse candidate after Zarm withdrew his name from consideration. Observers speculate that Zarm will now be tapped to fill Justice Kennedy’s vacant seat in the Supreme Court.

“The American people are tired of seeing billions of dollars drained from our economy due to unnecessary EPA regulations,” Scott Pruitt said in an endorsement of his successor. “Greedly will continue to run this agency in a way that fosters both responsible destruction of the environment and freedom for American businesses.”

At press time, the Planeteers declined to state whether they would unleash Captain Planet on the EPA to force the continued use of rules and regulations to protect Gaia, the spirit of planet Earth.