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It’s 3 P.M. and I just woke up—sorry NOT SORRY. I haven’t had any time to prepare my usual set of FUN trivia questions, but really, isn’t everything trivial? Sometimes you are a part of a great beautiful relationship and then BOOM you’re alone. Cassandra leaves you for a bunch of reasons that she says will become very obvious if I just do some thinking.
OK it’s 3:01. Whoopdie-doo. Today is Wednesday, February 14th because—of course it is—and I am Scott Rogowsky, your devastated, newly-single host for HQ Trivia. AKA Scotty apparently not hotty enough. AKA Petty Crocker. AKA Single and ready to Pringle.
I am live from New York but very much dead from inside my chest, and This is Trivia HQ, a game show on your phone, where you answer tough questions to win some moolah.
Be careful out there, winners! One day you have fat stacks of cash, wining and dining your lady around town, and then BLAMMO. Break up, tears, a sleepless night full of anger, reflection, more anger, journaling, sunrise, intense anger, intense journaling…
All of a sudden it’s two in the afternoon and some guy is telling you to put a suit on and smile. Life comes at you sad…
There are over 32,000 players in today’s game, which is probably 16,000 couples, because no one is single these days. So many HQ-ties out there. Are you single MissMissy1530? Queen underscore Pudding, I bet you have a boyfriend. Does he treat you well? I am seeing FrogKisser23 has just entered the game, so even frogs are kissing these days. Awesome… Just awesome…
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Is this your first time playing? Lemme run through the rules with you. 12 questions, ranging from easy to hard. You get 10 seconds to answer, and all you gotta do is survive all 12 questions. Get them all right and if you are left standing at the end, the cash prize is yours. Imagine all that you could do with $1,000. Imagine if you could just buy happiness.
Producer is telling me to get to the questions, so AWAY. WE. GO.
Question 1. Cilantro, Basil, and Rosemary are all types of what?
Is it A) Flowers, B) Herbs, or C) Toyotas?
Flowers, ha! What a waste! Seems like many of you got that one right, only 500 misses here. The correct answer, of course, is B) Herbs. The spice of life. OK moving right along…
Question 2. Valentines Day’s almost official mascot is Cupid, who is the god of love in which ancient mythology?
Is it A) Roman, B) Greek, or C) Etruscan?
Love is in the air, isn’t it? Thanks to my producers for that prickly arrow into my gaping wound. Time has officially run out on this question, but also on my likelihood of having kids one day. Cassie, I CAN DO BETTER!
And the answer, is clearly A) Roman. Well done, party people! The son of Mars and Venus who were probably proud and supportive through all of Cupid’s ups and downs and didn’t pester him about becoming grandparents.
You know what? I am changing the questions. I give and I give and I give, twice a day to you people. Scotty needs some help and I have 30,000 people remaining who can help me figure out why I’m single. I’m taking this game for a joyride.
Question 3. What is the number of consecutive texts that I can send to my girlfriend, without a response, before it gets weird?
Is it A) 3 messages, B) 5 messages, or C) 7 messages?
Isn’t communication at the heart of all relationships? Alright, everyone is locked in. WOW a shocking answer of B) 5 messages. That makes this a SAVAGE ANSWER to me. So what if I want to check in during the work day?
We lost another 5,000 contestants. For the other 25,000 of you, let’s move on.
Question 4. Tom Hanks famously said, “There’s no crying in baseball.” Is there crying allowed during The Puppy Bowl?
Is it A) Yes, B) No, or C) Depends if anyone gets along with the dachshund.
Aha! Not as obvious of an answer to this one. Maybe a couple points for ole Scotty here. Your answer, B) No. We go from 25,000 know-it-alls to just 12,000, so that’s a SAVAGE QUESTION! Next!
Question 5. If she doesn’t like Rick and Morty, am I supposed to just let that go?
Is it A) Yes. B) No. or C) I’M PICKLE RICK!
Your answers are in, and it’s A) Yes. OK, my bad. Pickle Rick always gets me. He’s just laying waste to all those rats! Now, 9,000 of you lovebirds are still in the game.
Question 6. Settle a disagreement: Should I be publicly mocked for not knowing the difference between curly kale and lacinto kale?
Is it A) Yes, they are very different, B) No, kale is kale, or C) Do you even watch Chopped, bro?
Here’s what I know: If it seems like disgusting lettuce, it’s kale. Straighten me out, people. The answer, WOW! C) Chopped. Cassie’s favorite. Of course. We lost another 5,000 so just under 4,000 left.
Question 7. Should I have just admitted that Aziz went too far with the girl from the blog post?
Is it A) Yes, sometimes men just need to listen, B) No, we need to have these kinds of debates, or C) The answer is A.
I’ll be honest, this one felt a lot tougher to figure out when we were at a dinner with Cassie’s work friends. All of you said A) so I’ll take the loss here. 3,982 of you are Perfect Tens to me. Let’s go.
Question 8. If Cassie says she is going to happy hour with her ex, and comes home late and drunk, which feeling is most appropriate?
Is it A) Fear, B) Sadness, Or C) Anger?
Now I am speaking my truths. It hurt. And I waited and waited. Our Kung Pao chicken just sat there getting cold. I tried to be easygoing. I tried to hide my vulnerability. I am only… OK, time’s up. Apparently A) Fear is the right answer.
That was a tough one for me and for many of you, as we say goodbye to another 2,000 players. The rest of you are really close to the cash. Cash sounds like Cass, who I am not at all close to anymore.
Question 9. Cassie, are you watching? Seriously. I just want to talk. I think I understand some of the things you meant and I have learned a lot here today. I can change and be the man you want me to be. I love your parents. Can I at least stay friends with them?
I am a shell of myself, faking it for this dumb game show where we are all losers, but I am King of the Nothings. Who am I without you? The talking guy in everyone’s phone. But what happens when that ends? It’s like one of those Schrödinger’s razor things where if you look inside me, the easiest explanation is that I am dead and you’ve killed me.
I hope you are happy now. I hope Donnie or whatever doesn’t cry and doesn’t constantly tell you all of the ways your are his daylight constellation. Cassie can you just please come home? So we can talk like mature adults?
Is it A) Yes, B) No, Or
Wow and the rest of you just voluntarily quit. I am alone. Again. Happy Valentine’s Day you fuc—
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