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To: Satan (satan@hell.org)
From: Tom Brady (tom@tb12method.org)
Subject: Super Bowl
Hey, Big D!
Hope you’re well. It’s that time of year again. Wondering if I could get a little extra help with the Big Game! I know last year’s didn’t go according to plan (and I know—again, totally not your fault. We had no idea God was anointing Saint “Big Dick” Nick.) But this year seems like an ideal way to bounce back! So if you wouldn’t mind working a little bit of your dark magic, that would be super. If there’s anything you need from me, don’t hesitate to ask. Hoping to get a visit from you soon!
Thanks,
Tom
P.S. – Heard you had something to do with the whole Kavanaugh thing! Good one!
P.P.S. – Almost forgot, Hail Satan!
To: Tom Brady (tom@tb12method.org)
From: Satan (Satan@hell.org)
Subject: Re: Super Bowl
Thomas,
On the subject of your desire to win another Super Bowl, I must contemplate some possibilities. You’ve asked for my assistance so many times already. Do you think you could manage a win on your own for once? My other clientele has me a bit swamped at the moment (this guy Mueller is really scorching my ass, if you know what I mean), and I’m not sure I’ll be able to spare the firepower for another win for you, as it were. Although I appreciate your devotion to me, the Dark Lord, and the sacrifices you have made (i.e., your knee in 2008) I just don’t think I can win this one for you, my son. I look forward to collecting your blood sacrifice next month and so admire our eternal relationship.
Warm regards,
Satan
Lucifer
Beezlebub
The Devil
The Dark Lord
Mephisto
Creative Lead, Fyre
To: Satan (satan@hell.org)
From: Tom Brady (tom@tb12method.org)
Subject: Re: Re: Super Bowl
Hey S!
Totally fair, I get it! I mean, even the smallest contribution would be appreciated. Nothing too big, just maybe a Todd Gurley fumble in the 3rd quarter? And I’ll take care of the rest. You’ve gotten me this far, and I so appreciate it. And if there’s anything I can do with your clients, let me know! I’d love to talk to the president again, if need be.
Thanks and Praise You,
Tom
To: Tom Brady (tom@tb12method.org)
From: Satan (satan@hell.org)
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Super Bowl
Thomas,
I cannot stress enough to you how busy I am. Speaking confidentially, I am helping to kick off Bernie’s campaign amidst crisis managing the Mueller investigation, and I’m getting Billy McFarland out of prison early. You have five rings so far. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but don’t be greedy.
Satan
To: Satan (satan@hell.org)
From: Tom Brady (tom@tb12method.org)
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Super Bowl
But I mean… 6 rings! Like, 6 6 6? That’s your whole thing, right? I don’t mean to keep troubling you, and I am grateful for your contributions. We’ll see what we can do on our own, and if you’re keeping an eye on the game and things aren’t going our way, we’ll see if we can arrange a sacrifice at halftime. How does that sound?
Tom
P.S. – You’re welcome to stop by our place, any time!
To: Tom Brady (tom@tb12method.org)
From: Satan (satan@hell.org)
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Super Bowl
I’m getting a lot of inquiries about your retirement. Is this something we can discuss in person? Perhaps a trade?
To: Satan (satan@hell.org)
From: Tom Brady (tom@tb12method.org)
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Super Bowl
Hey!
I don’t think this is negotiable at the moment, I just love the game! But if there’s anything else I can do, let me know. Thanks!
-T
To: Tom Brady (tom@tb12method.org)
From: Satan (satan@hell.org)
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Super Bowl
Another Super Bowl for your soul and your retirement. That’s the deal, take it or leave it.
To: Tom Brady (tom@tb12method.org)
From: Satan (satan@hell.org)
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Super Bowl
I’ll have my answer to you by EOD. Thanks again, Big Bad Guy!
Hail Satan,
Tom
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