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Welcome to The Prompt’s own “weekly” Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. University of Maryland, Baltimore County
The greatest upset of all time? I’m not sure… but a #16 seed knocked off a #1 for the first time ever, led by a kid who looked like he just got cut from a high school JV team. Virginia was supposed to be the best team in the field, but they got absolutely run out of the gym by a borderline community college. Moments like this remind me that people who don’t like sports are weirdos.
2. Tiger Woods
Um, so fucking back!?! Hot off of a successful back fusion surgery Tiger is starting to look like Tiger again. That trickling sound you hear are all the other PGA tour golfers collectively pissing their pants. After a runner-up finish at the Valspar and easily making the cut at the Arnold Palmer Invitational, it looks like Woods might be the favorite at the Masters. Hey Augusta, HIDE YO WIFE!
3. Kirk Cousins
And the highest paid player in NFL history is… Kirk Cousins? Yes sir. The Vikings signed the possibly average free agent QB to a 3-year deal guaranteeing him $84M. It seems like a lot of money for a QB not named Aaron Rodgers or Tom Brady, but Captain Kirk has absolutely won the offseason. Also, unrelated but related, congrats to RG III on his new marriage—hopefully free agency works out for him as well!
4. Stormy Daniels
(This is a family website, no porn here, use your imagination).
I am not one to talk politics in these posts—the Power Rankings are a safe space to zone out and relax. But I will say this: The only scenario in which a woman would talk publicly about a night of intimacy with DJT is if he became the leader of the free world. You are absolutely not telling anybody about that encounter if he is still the host of Celebrity Apprentice. Also, the fact that the President is trying to cover up a previous extramarital affair with a porn star, and it isn’t one of the dozen craziest things happening in the West Wing is absolutely nuts. What a world.
5. Jim Nantz
Who has it better than this guy? March/April is peak Nantz season, and he is already in the zone. Coming off a revitalizing NFL season thanks to Tony Romo (R.I.P. Phil Simms), Nantz rolled into March hot. He just called the aforementioned greatest upset ever, still has five more rounds of the tournament before heading to Augusta for a Masters. And not just any Masters—the “Tiger Is Back In Contention” Masters. Doesn’t suck to be Jim Nantz.
6. Facebook Live
Now that Tom vs. Time has joined the pantheon of greatest television shows ever (with The Wire, Breaking Bad, Sopranos, and Always Sunny rounding out the Top 5), we must acknowledge the existence of Facebook Live. I was going to live the rest of my life ignoring the social media platform. I was resigned to the fact that Facebook is now just for people over 50 or former high school classmates that turned out to be sort of racist. But it looks like Zuckerberg did it again, that bastard.
7. Fortnite
I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I know what Fortnite is. The last video game I played was Madden 2005. What I will tell you is that it belongs on this list. Again, I don’t know why, but it is definitely hot right now. Seemingly every college bro, NBA player, and Drake is all about this game. I think you play it online and kill a bunch of people, but again, I’m clueless. I just know that I can’t put out Rankings and not include Fortnite, or the kids would stop taking me seriously.
8. Impractical Jokers
Shout out to these idiots. Once a year we’re reminded of their existence when a tournament game ends but the bartender never changes the channel from Tru TV. As CBS/Turner Sports’ fourth option, this obscure network gets a few Thursday and Friday March Madness games. They sandwich the games between re-runs of this hilarious show, presumably their only franchise, as I have never seen anything else on Tru TV. Haters gonna hate, ratings gonna rate.
9. D A R K
You know what show doesn’t suck? DARK on Netflix. If like time travel and are searching for a weird binge to take the place of football then look no further. This is the show that LOST could have been if it knew what it was doing. Not that say that DARK knows what it’s doing, but it is definitely awesome. The only problem is that it’s in German, so you either need to watch with subtitles or dubbed over in English (or be fluent in German I suppose). I recommend the subtitles, way less distracting.
10. Baseball!
Just kidding. Nobody cares about baseball.
Also Receiving Votes: Joe Lunardi, Bill Raftery, Nor’easters, the Cleveland Browns and people pretending to be Irish
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