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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Suck Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes or analysis that might offend you or your football team, and for the bad photoshopping.
Apparently this is officially Hate Week here at The Prompt. Yesterday, I revisited Chappelle’s Player Haters’ Ball and today I find it impossible to manufacture positive remarks about the NFL. You want Power Rankings? The Patriots are the best team in the league and the Cowboys might actually be for real. The Vikings are also really good, but they’re boring and were on a bye. Every other team stinks. There are your Power Rankings. HATE HATE HATE HATE!
Since I still owe a column we’re going to switch things up and rank the worst of the week. Here you go…
1. The National Football League
So apparently television ratings for the NFL are down this season, and pundits everywhere are trying to figure out why. Some point to it being an election year, others think Millennials and their short attention spans are to blame, or maybe it’s that the public is finally turned off by all of the concussions.
I have another thought, though. Perhaps the lack of viewership is because these games absolutely suck. You could make a case for 20 or more teams in the 32-team league being anywhere from “sub-par” to “god-awful.” There were at least 10 games this week that were borderline unwatchable, including Thursday night’s snooze fest in San Diego and Monday’s funeral for the Jets. I would consider myself a relatively intense football fan, but I would rather nurse my Sunday hangover with a Bar Rescue re-run marathon than increase my nausea with a Browns-Titans or Jaguars-Bears game.
2. The AFC North
Typically one of the strongest divisions in football, the blue-collar quartet had a terrible Sunday. The Steelers lost to the lowly Dolphins, and more importantly lost Ben Roethlisberger to a knee injury that will sideline him for at least a week or two. The Bengals got beat up in Foxborough, the Ravens lost to the Giants, and the Browns are still the Browns. Cleveland is now 0-6 after a loss to the Titans and has a stranglehold on the #1 overall pick in April’s draft (Believeland!).
3. Tony Romo
It was a wonderful week for the Cowboys, but not so much for their (backup?) QB. Dak Prescott threw for a career-high 3 touchdowns to get a win in Green Bay, further cementing himself as the starter on a red-hot first place team. With Romo ~2 weeks away from being healthy we have a good ol’ fashioned quarterback controversy on our hands! I’m sure whatever happens Jerry Jones will make the right decision though.
4. The Carolina Panthers
The defending NFC champions fell to 1-5 after losing to the Saints and look poised to be the first Super Bowl runner-up to miss the playoffs since the Matt Cassel Patriots. On a positive note, Cam Newton was composed and gracious in defeat, perhaps learning from past salty post-game performances. Just kidding, he refused to answer questions and stormed away from the podium like a little baby. As the great Vince Lombardi once said “Don’t dab on them folks if you can’t handle the consequences” or something like that.
5. Comedian Odell Beckham Jr.
Wide Receiver Odell Beckham Jr. was spectacular on Sunday, tallying 8 catches for 222 yards and a pair of scores, including the game-winning touchdown. Sideshow Distraction Odell Beckham Jr. was not as impressive, continuing his shtick with the kicking net (he proposed to it this time…so hilarious) and incurring another (potentially costly) 15-yard penalty. He is that guy who cries (literal, actual adult tears) when he is “unfairly targeted” during bad games, but hogs the spotlight when he is playing well. He and Cam should just get an apartment together.
6. Vontaze Burfict
This fucking guy. The dirtiest player in the league was back at it again on Sunday, first with a dive at Martellus Bennett’s knees and then a deliberate stomp to LeGarrette Blount’s ankle. This isn’t new behavior for Burfict, who already served a 3 game suspension in September for trying to take Antonio Brown’s head off in the playoffs last season. It would have been 4 games but apparently attempted murder isn’t as bad as getting a new cellphone… Roger Goodell’s NFL, ladies and gentlemen!
7. Rookie Quarterbacks
A few weeks back I made the mistake of complimenting the first-year QBs and how well they were acclimating to the show. Since then only Dak Attack has been impressive, while the rest have come crashing back down to earth. Both the Eagles and Broncos have lost their last 2 games, while Jacoby Brissett may never be more than the answer to a trivia question. They’ll always have Week 3 though. Can’t take that away from them.
8. Alshon Jeffery
After his team lost a hard fought (if not impossible to watch) 17-16 game against the Jaguars, the Bears star wide out explained math: “We’ve got to score fuckin’ touchdowns. That’s it. Period. Touchdowns win games. You see what 3 points gets us.” Step 1 is admitting you have a problem. Step 2 is figuring out that 7 is more than 3 and that scoring is a crucial element to having more points than an opponent. If catching passes doesn’t work out for Alshon I think he has a promising career as Andy Reid’s clock management assistant.
9. Stephen Gostkowski
The Patriots looked great against Cincinnati on Sunday, in the 2nd half at least. With Tom Brady back and on the war path there is not much for New England fans to complain about, with the exception of their typically reliable kicker. Gostkowski missed 3 field goals in the team’s first 5 games and shanked an extra point in the win over the Bengals… and then there was that costly missed extra point in last year’s AFC championship game. He has been arguably the league’s best kicker since 2013, never missing more than 3 field goal attempts in an entire season, so this concerning trend might be something to keep an eye on.
Since there was no humor in that last paragraph I was going to add a Ray Finkle joke, but that’s pretty lazy. Instead I encourage you to watch this clip from 1994’s Ace Ventura: Pet Detective through your 2016 eyes. I know we have a long way to go with LGBT equality but I think we can take a minute to appreciate some progress and reminder ourselves of the aggressive transphobia in one of our favorite childhood movies.
10. Greg Hardy
A “Powerless” rankings wouldn’t be complete without the inclusion of Greg Hardy. Without diving into the dark world of Hardy’s domestically violent past, I wanted to point out that he is still in fact, the worst. Since no NFL team will sign the disgraced defensive end, he is turning his attention to mixed martial arts, in an attempt to compete at the UFC level. No word yet on whether or not he knows that he’ll be required to fight in the men’s division or if he thinks he can just continue to beat up women. Either way, I don’t think it will end well for him, if this 2008 video is any indication. Take a minute to watch him get his ass kicked by a chubby 17-year-old kid during a charity boxing match back at Ole Miss and HATE HATE HATE HATE!
Also Receiving Votes: Defense (in general), Lambeau Field, Steelers Generic Wide Receivers, Jets Bowles Movement, Fantasy Owners Who Drafted Jay Ajayi and Dropped Him, Jeff Fisher, Ryan Fitzpatrick, and Jack Del Rio’s Balls.
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