The Prompt NFL Power Rankings: Week 9, 2029

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

Editor’s Note: The Patriots have lost a game, and Mike has lost his mind. We can’t confirm (or deny) that substances were involved, but this week’s rankings come to you from a decade into the future…

1. Steve Belichick

We start this week with the head coach of the 13-time Super Bowl champion New England Patriots. Belichick notched his 100th win with a victory in Buffalo, and is now the youngest head coach in NFL history to reach the milestone. He has silenced the critics who said that the team would stumble after Tom Brady’s retirement this past off-season, as the win over the Bills improves the Pats to a perfect 9-0 on the season.

2. Baltimore Ravens

The other juggernaut in the AFC secured their seventh W of 2029, thanks to 73 passing yards and 205 rushing yards from quarterback Le’mar Johnson.  Johnson is only the second Raven to start at QB this season, but the 27th in the past 10 seasons. Coach John Harbaugh has been criticized for deploying an offense that leaves their signal callers susceptible to injuries, but the approach has no doubt been successful.

3. New York Jets

The Jets beat the Bengals on Monday Night in what was a painfully boring contest. The fact that ESPN finally started airing the games without commentary has made the telecasts slightly more bearable, but this one was a real snoozer. The reason that the Jets make the list is because the win improved the team to 4-4, the first time they have been at .500 since week 2 of 2018.

The franchise has been through a lot over the last decade, starting with the untimely death of franchise QB Sam Darnold from a rare strand of mononucleosis. Jets fans hope that this season could finally be the one where they get back to the playoffs.

4. Washington Indigenous Peoples Fans

It has been a long time coming for Indigs fans, but Dan Snyder is finally selling his team. After 30 pathetic years the beleaguered owner has finally had enough of the public shaming and is walking away from football. The price of the franchise is rumored to be in the $4 billion range, and D.C. fat cats are already lining up to bid. Sources say that the current front-runner is Hunter Biden, who amassed his fortune abroad during his father’s presidency.

5. Jason Garrett

It was a great week for the Cowboys’ head coach because any week that he doesn’t get fired is a great week. It feels like Garrett has been on the hot seat forever, but for some reason owner unbeknownst to Dallas fans Stephen Jones has kept him around.

6. Philip Rivers’ Sperm

Congratulations to the retired Anaheim Charger quarterback and his wife Tiffany on the birth of their 15th child. If only Rivers could have connected with receivers as well as he does with ovaries, maybe he would have won a Super Bowl.

7. Gardner Minshew

Cumming in at No. 7 is Gardner Minshew, former backup quarterback of the London Jaguars. Minshew won his seventh AVN award at this past weekend’s show in Vegas, leaving no doubt that his 2021 retirement from professional football was the right move.

8. De’Baddest Cromartie Fantasy Owners

Whoa—175 total yards and 3 touchdowns!?! Nerds everywhere rejoice.

9. Sean McVay

The Rams’ innovative head coach celebrated his 30th birthday over the weekend, and we figured a nice present for him would be a spot on the rankings. HBD little guy!

10. O.J. Simpson

Rounding out our list this week is the Juice, who was recently re-inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton. It has been quite an eventful retirement for Simpson, full of well-documented ups and downs. This weekend’s ceremony marks a high point for the former Heisman Trophy winner, who was also the first man to rush for 2,000 yards in a single season.

The turnaround for O.J. came last year, when his oldest son Jason finally took responsibility for the murders that almost sent his pops to prison. The revelation has acquitted Simpson in the court of public opinion. He is no longer remembered as an abusive (and sometimes homicidal) husband, but rather as a father who would do anything to protect his son.

Also Receiving Votes: The constitutional amendment that permanently cancelled daylight savings time.