The Prompt NFL Power Rankings: Week 9

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes or analysis that might offend you or your football team, and for the bad photoshopping.

1. The Election

Let’s face it, Week 9 wasn’t exactly the most riveting collection of football ever played. Six teams were on a bye, and the games that did occur were, for the most part, underwhelming. Thankfully for the NFL, they can continue to blame any low ratings on the fact that no on-field matchup can live up to the drama unfolding on CNN (or Fox News, for you Cowboys, Chiefs, Titans, and maybe Cardinals fans). Thankfully this will all be over today (probably? maybe?) and we can go back to caring about football first and the future of our country second.

Forget the coaches nuts for a second, this team might actually be good! The Raiders improved to 7-2 with a home win over divisional rival Denver and are now alone in first place. They join the Patriots and Cowboys as the 3rd team to get to 7 wins and have one of the best offenses in football. I have been blindly making testicle jokes all season while Cactus Jack has quietly built a playoff team. I didn’t see it coming.

3. The New York Football Giants

The Wentz Wagon suffered another setback as the Eagles’ rookie QB threw a pair of interceptions in a loss to the G-Men. Philly is now alone in last place in the surprisingly competitive NFC Beast, while the Giants sit in a playoff spot at the halfway point of the season. Fans blame coach Doug Pederson for the loss, pointing at a couple botched 4th down play calls after foregoing a pair of field goals (not a good look when you end up losing by 5). Looks like Doug is more of an “attempt to ford the river” guy then a “caulk the wagon and float it across” man. I always paid for the ferry, but to each his own.

4. Travis Kelce

The officiating in the No Fun League has reached an all-time low this year due to a mix of missed calls, bad calls, and penalizing almost every good celebration. On Sunday the Chiefs tight end was fed up and did what many of us wish we could do and threw his own flag on a ref. He ended up getting ejected, but it produced a decent GIF and it’s a slow week so he gets the #4 spot.

5. Ben Roethlisberger’s Balls…

…but not Ben Roethlisberger’s brain. Nobody can ever question the toughness of Pittsburgh QB, but attempting to play just three weeks after knee surgery might not have been the smartest move ever (though not his dumbest move ever, either). Big Ben was completely ineffective in Baltimore until the 4th quarter, and by then it was too late to mount a successful comeback. Both the Steelers and the Ravens are 4-4, the Bengals are 3-4-1, and the Browns are the Browns… an underwhelming first half for the Great Houses of the North.

6. Golden Tate

The Viking funeral continued this week as the Lions marched into Minnesota and handed the previously 5-0 Viks their third straight loss. Tate added insult to injury with a flat out disrespectful catch & run & flip touchdown to win the game in overtime. As shocking as that play was, I’m even more surprised that the refs didn’t flag Tate for exuberance, knock the Lions back 15 yards and then fine him a week’s pay.

7. Matt Ryan

Matty Ice is leading the league in both passing yards and touchdowns after Thursday’s blowout win in Tampa. His Falcons are in 1st place and many are calling him the favorite to win the MVP award. I would like to remind those people that Tom Brady still exists, but let’s let the season play out. Atlanta has some tough games upcoming (@ Philly, vs. Arizona, vs. KC, @ L.A.), all top defenses that could turn him into Matural Light, but for now he deserves a spot on the list.

8. Alabama Crimson Tide

It’s November, which means it’s time for the most ridiculous talking head sports argument of the year: Could the best college football team beat the worst NFL team!?! Let me save you some time… no, Alabama could not beat the Cleveland Browns. There might have been a Kentucky Wildcats basketball team a few years back that could have beaten a tanking NBA squad, but besides that this conversation is always asinine. Shutting out LSU in Death Valley was impressive, and ‘Bama probably has 6 or 7 guys who will go in the first round in April, but could they beat a team of 53 NFL players!?! C’MON MAN!!!

9. Randy Moss

STILL GOT IT! Like I said, slow week.

10. Cardinals, Redskins, & Bengals

You can’t tie when you’re on a bye! Sadly, the result is the same.

Also Receiving Votes: Brett Favre, Melvin Gordon, Melvin Gordon’s mother, Richard Sherman, Dak Attack, The Mannequin Challenge, and Jerry Thornton.