The Prompt NFL Power Rankings: Week 8 is Gr8

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Baseball

Giving the top spot in an NFL Power Rankings to a different sport? Bold strategy Cotton! Let’s be honest though, this football season hasn’t exactly been the most electric. With the exception of a few games (Packers-Cowboys, Chiefs-Raiders last Thursday, and the one I’ll discuss next) the first 8 weeks were pretty forgettable.

If you’re a fan that thinks football is awesome and baseball is boring then you haven’t been paying attention this month. The World Series has already had a couple incredible games, including insane back-and-forth extra inning contests that our grandchildren will watch on the ESPN Classic app in their eyeball.

2. Russell Wilson

If you’re a fan that thinks offense is awesome and defense is boring, then boy do I have the game for you! Sunday’s Texans-Seahawks game was a wild shootout as both quarterbacks seemed to be able to throw the ball whenever, wherever and to whomever they wanted. Gone are the days of a dominant secondary in Seattle…

…Get it? Like there was so much room out there that DeShaun Watson was able to throw for 402 yards and 4 touchdowns! There were some crazy wide receiver stat lines in this one: DeAndre Hopkins (8 catches, 224 yards and a TD), Will Fuller V (125 yards/2 TDs), Paul Richardson (105 yards/2 TDs) and Tyler Lockett (121 yards) all had career days. At the end of the day it was Wilson who put up the top performance, besting his rookie counterpart with 452 yards, 4 TDs, and only 1 interception to Watson’s 3.

3. The Inmates

Watson may have been second best in Seattle, but he is looking so much like the NFL’s future that Wilson may start raising his kid. Aaaaand that was the weekly joke that my dad will definitely need to look up on his iPad.

Back to the Texans, who forgot how to cover receivers but did play inspired football. Most of the team took a knee during the anthem to protest the fact that their owner idiomatically referred to them as “inmates.” I don’t know much about much, but that type of rhetoric is a bit problematic coming from a billionaire who owns a team of football players and looks like a older version of Daddy Warbucks.

4. Philadelphia Eagles

Rollin’, Rollin’, Rollin’! The only reason the NFL-best Iggles dropped to #4 is because they beat the winless 49ers this week. Had they beaten an NFL team they would have been higher.

Not much more to say about these guys: Wentz, Balance, Consistency…etc. At this point all that is left to do is to figure out what I added to the Wentz Wagon picture every week.

Spoiler Alert: The eagle is now holding a cheesesteak.

5. Colin Kaepernick

If you have a life and didn’t tune in to Thursday’s Miami-Baltimore game, you didn’t miss much. The Ravens won 40-0 against a Dolphins team that was “indept” (coach Adam Gase’s words, not mine). What you did miss was the triumphant return to the starting quarterback position by incomparable Matt Moore. Yes, that Matt Moore, the back-up QB from Season 8 of Hard Knocks from way back in 2012. For context, Ochocinco was on that team. Predictably Moore was not the answer behind center for Miami, with a 176 yard –  0 TD – 2 INT performance. (Insert Kaepernick Rant Here).

6. New Orleans Saints

The Saints have won five in a row and are the hottest team west of Philadelphia. They hung on to beat a pesky Bears team on Sunday and have a half-game lead in the division. But apparently Drew Brees completed his 6,000th career pass, so that is what we’re supposed to be talking about.

I have said this before, but NOBODY in sports cares more about their personal statistics than Drew Brees… not even the late Peyton Manning. A few years back Brees set some meaningless record for consecutive games with a touchdown pass and a huge celebration ensued. They stopped the game, gave him the ball, he hugged all his teammates, his wife came on the field, and I think there may have been a Mardi Gras float. A month later Tom Brady broke that record and there was no mention of it until a reporter asked TB12 about the milestone after the game, to which he replied “I’m just glad we won.” Keep doing you, Drew.

7. My Bookie

“Today I consider myself the unluckiest man on the face of the earth.”

It is with a heavy heart that I officially announce my retirement from gambling. I know, I know, nobody likes a quitter… but it’s time. If you’ve been following the Rankings you know that this season has been a challenge to say the least. I decided to make one final stand this week, and if I was General Custer and my Pats-Bengals tease was Little Big Horn then the Colts were the Indians. Sometimes you just need to know when to hang them up.

P.S. This was the runner-up photo for all you WrestleMania VII fans:

8. London

Finally the city of London can rest easy knowing that the obnoxious Americans and their terrible brand of football won’t be coming back for at least another year. I feel terrible for what they have had to endure this season. Seriously, look at these games:

These poor Brits had to pay to watch Drew Stanton, Blake Bortles, Jay Cutler, Case Keenum, and DeShone Kizer.

The last time we sent garbage this bad to Europe it was wearing a leather jacket and a piano scarf and singing “Looking for Freedom.”

9. New York Giants

Well, the Giants made the list because they didn’t lose this week. That is the beauty of the bye. They are still 1-6, which is the third-worst record in the league… right in that sweet spot where you have no shot at the playoffs but won’t get the #1 or #2 pick either (otherwise known as the “Marrone Zone”).

The well-rested G-Men will face off against the Rams in Week 9. The Rams of course are led by young Sean McVay, who was a 24 year-old Assistant Tight Ends coach with the Redskins when Rex Ryan’s foot fetish video first leaked.

Choose Your Own Adventure!

(Full disclosure: As you’re reading this I am currently traveling for real work and unable to adhere to my normal writing schedule. Therefore this post is being turned in before the Monday Night game kicks off. Figure it out.)

10. Kansas City Chiefs

As expected, the Chiefs were able to end their two-game losing streak with an impressive (maybe just average?) victory over the Broncos at Arrowhead. Andy Reid re-established himself as the Warden of the West and KC now has a two-game lead in the division. Kareem Hunt also gained some yards in the win, while Jon Gruden loved both quarterbacks.

10. Denver Broncos

Wow, I did NOT see that coming. After consecutive losses to the Giants and Chargers it looked like Denver was dead in the water. DON’T TELL THAT TO VON MILLER AND ANY OTHER BRONCOS WHO PLAYED GREAT IN THIS GAME! Every ESPN analyst picked this game incorrectly… such idiots.

With the impressive road win the Broncos are back above .500 and look to upend the Wentz Wagon in Philly next week!

Also Receiving Votes: Ryan Mallett, Steve Smith Sr, All 5 Will Fullers, Jimmy Garoppolo’s Agent, Juju Smith-Schuster, and Bills Mafia.