The Prompt NFL Power Rankings: Week 8

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes or analysis that might offend you or your football team, and for the bad photoshopping.

1. Dak Prescott (Previously 2nd, 3rd)

The Cowboys trailed 20-10 in the 3rd quarter on Sunday, and it seemed like everyone was ready to board the Wentz Wagon once again. That was when Dak attacked, driving his team down the field and eventually throwing a touchdown to Dez Bryant to send the game to overtime. Another strong drive and a game-winning TD pass to Jason Witten leaves the Dallas front office with a decision to make: stick with the hot hand or go back to Tony Romo?  I’ll leave you with the lyrics going through the mind of Jerry Jones:

We met some time ago
When we were so young
We’ve been through thick and thin

2. Kissing Your Sister (Last Week: 3rd)

For the second week in a row an NFL game ended with a tie. The Redskins and Bengals made the trip to London for the monthly “Oh Shit I Need To Set My Fantasy Lineup… Fuck It, I’m Too Hungover” Game, and neither came back with a win. Unlike last week’s 6-6 shootout, there was actually plenty of offense in this one, but another missed chip-shot field goal at the end of OT had everyone feeling like they lost. Not a good day for the NFL Foreign Relations Department’s ongoing mission to wean Europeans off boring games that are decided by kicks and end in ties.

3. The New England Patriots, but really – DILDO!

Sure, I could throw in a paragraph about how the only question for the Patriots this season is who their opponent will be in the AFC championship game in Foxborough, but that would be boring. I could discuss Tom Brady’s near-perfect four games coming off the suspension (12 TDs, 0 INTs, 330 YPG, league-best 133.9 passer rating), but nobody wants to read about how dominant TB12 is. I could talk specifically about how the Pats went into Buffalo, embarrassed the Bills, and basically won their division in October, but again, that angle is played out.

Instead, let’s discuss the important issues: SOMEBODY THREW A DILDO ON THE FIELD! As Brady said afterwards, “Only in Buffalo.” Just as the game got boring, a card-carrying member of the Bills Mafia threw the foreign object onto the field, confusing the announcers and embarrassing a referee, who kicked it to the sidelines to save himself from having to pick it up. In lieu of further sex toy analysis, here is a picture of Rex Ryan yukking it up with his assistants with less than a minute left in an 18-point loss:

4. Cleveland Indians (Last Week: 5th)

Nothing is going right for the Browns this season, even their banners are ass-backwards. They blew a 13-point 3rd quarter lead at home against the almost as stinky Jets, and now sit at 0-8. BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS! The Tribe took 2 out of 3 at Wrigley this weekend and are a win away from the city’s first World Series championship in 68 years. I’m not sure how Believeland went from the most tortured fan base in sports to the most spoiled, but at least the Browns will always be the Browns.

5. Jack Del Rio’s Balls (Previously 2nd, 7th, 5th, unranked)

Jack’s Sack was on display again this week, as the Raiders won another road game (5-0 this year) to improve to 6-2 overall. The story, however, wasn’t about Del Rio’s coaching abilities, nor was it about his QB Derek Carr’s record-setting day (513 yards passing). No, the story was that the Raiders managed to set an NFL record, committing 23 penalties. 23! They were docked 200 yards in total, the length of 2 full football fields or approximately 600 dildos.

6. Ciara

Back when Russell Wilson was a born-again virgin he was arguably the best quarterback in the NFL. He posted a 110.1 passer rating last season, top in the league. Then he had sex with his wife and it all went to shit. Russ has gone 3 games without a touchdown pass, and hasn’t rushed for over 16 yards in a game all season. I think it’s safe to say that he has lost his mojo, and I think I know who took it.

7. Jay Cutler

Speaking of mojo, it looks like Da Bears are da back! Or maybe the Vikings are just wildly overrated and have a terrible offensive line. Whatever the case may be, Bad Boy Jay Cutler returned on Monday night and played mistake-free football en route to an improbable win. A pessimist might say that the win just hurts the team’s draft position, and that Cutty’s performance was an audition for other teams. Chicago needs optimism though, especially leading into a do-or-die Game 6 for the Cubbies, and blasting Go Cubs Go in Solder Field can’t hurt.

8. Carts

Quick shout out to the golf carts, Med Beds, and Gators used to transport old injured men to safety this weekend. Whether it’s Wade Phillips getting trucked by Melvin Gordon, or the ref on Monday night who suffered a non-contact knee injury (always the worst kind), it’s a good thing that these multi-purpose vehicles are on-hand. Also a big resurgence for the “It’s OK everyone, I’m going to live!” thumbs up. I suppose the Phillips hit was a bit scary, but the ref just slipped. Nobody was crying for you, Argentina.

9. Eastern Time

Quick gambling tip: If the Arizona Cardinals travel to the East coast and playing a 1:00 game, it’s a safe bet that they’re going to lose. After getting crushed in Buffalo Week 3, we should have all remembered this, but they were actually favored going into Sunday’s game in Carolina. After holding Seattle to 6 points in the Tie Heard ‘Round the World, they gave up 30 to the flawed Panthers and their MVP quarterback who hates any contact that he doesn’t initiate.

10. Bill Belichick

I couldn’t let the week pass without addressing the elephant in the room for Patriots Nation. Belichick did another Belichick thing on Monday and traded stud linebacker Jamie Collins to the Browns for a 3rd round pick. I’m not going to get into the compensation, I’m not going to speculate about any off-field issues, and I’m not going to pretend to understand the Patriots’ salary cap strategy. I will just say this: Chill the fuck out. Sure, on the surface I can’t comprehend this move, but that’s why I’m not running an NFL team, let alone the most successful franchise for this entire century. Lawyer Milloy, Richard Seymour, Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Logan Mankins… and now Collins. The moves don’t make sense at the time, but if you start questioning things now you’re a crazy person. Brady is going to play until he’s 50… one season is no more important than the next. Just go with it.

Also Receiving Votes: Nick Foles, Tim Hightower, Fitzmagic, Every Texans Player With The Exception Of Brock Osweiler, Matty Ice, Gronk’s 69, but definitely not the Thursday Night Color Rush uniforms.