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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Well this doesn’t make much sense does it? I could sit here and try to analyze the NFL but I wouldn’t have any more success than the idiots that get paid to do it. Nothing computes anymore. Jay Cutler and the Dolphins went into Atlanta and beat the reigning MVP, eliminating almost everyone from their Survivor league. The Bears traveled to Baltimore and defeated the Ravens thanks to a TD pass from a 5’6″ running back. Then the 1-4 Chargers went up to Oakland and beat the Raiders in Derek Carr’s return.
And those weren’t the most surprising games of the day!!!
Big Ben was left for dead after throwing 5 picks last week and saying that he didn’t have it anymore…
Of Course the Steelers would go to Arrowhead and take down the undefeated Chiefs.
At least the night game would be an easy one to pick, surely the depleted Giants wouldn’t have a chance in Mile High against the “No Fly Zone” Broncos defense…
Naturally.
Again, I have no answers or analysis. I will just point you to the Jaguars’ results so far this year for proof that the 2017 season is beyond silly:
Speaking of the Jags, never forget:
2. ’72 Dolphins
There was at least one group of people that we know were celebrating amid Sunday’s chaos. The old, bitter, likely senile remnants of the 1972 Miami Dolphins. They pop champagne every year when the last unbeaten team falls, a petty tradition that wouldn’t exist if not for either their 14-game schedule back then or David Tyree. Congrats guys, lets hope you don’t live long enough to see another undefeated season.
3. Tom Brady
At least one thing happened on Sunday that made sense: The Patriots regained the top spot in the AFC East while the Jets managed to find a way to lose. I’ll hand it to Gang Green though, even in defeat they manage to do something that nobody has seen before. This wasn’t as memorable as the Butt Fumble (still the GOAT of ridiculous plays), but the “Touchdown Fumble” was impressive in it’s own right:
Only the Jets could manage to score a touchdown that results in zero points and gives their opponent the ball 20 yards in the other direction.
As for the Pats…well, the defense may still need some work. Josh McCown threw for 354 yards, increasing the total number of QBs who have thrown for 300+ yards against New England this season to all of them. The only guy to throw for less than 300 yards in a Patriots game this year is Tom Brady.
Speaking of TB12, it must be noted that he won his 187th career regular-season game this week, which is the MOAT. Despite being sacked more in 6 games (16 times) than all of last season (15) he isn’t showing any signs of slowing down. The bottom line is, if you eat nightshades you deserve to suffer season-ending injuries…
4. The Other NFC Northern Teams
One guy who clearly didn’t read The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Sustained Peak Performance is Aaron Rodgers. In fairness, his parents sent it to him for his birthday, but he refuses to open it. AR12 is likely done for the season with a broken collarbone… or clavicle. Are collarbones and clavicles the same thing? They are, I just looked it up. As a society I think we need to come to a consensus on what to call it, right?
Anyway, huge week for the Vikings, Lions, and Bears. The NFC North is now wide open. Sure, the Packers still have a 4-2 record and a ton of weapons, but where will they find a competent quarterback to fill the void?
5. Colin Kaepernick
Another week, another heaping pile of evidence that Colin Kaepernick should be a starter in the NFL. Kevin Hogan was dreadful for the Browns throwing 3 picks and putting up a 38.1 QB rating. The aforementioned Packers seem content to stick with a guy who entered Sunday’s game with 3 career completions on 11 attempts for 17 yards. Oh, and Kap’s old team benched Brian Hoyer in favor of some guy who sounds more like a bad porn star than a football player:
6. Brett Favre
You knew this was coming. You knew that the Rodgers injury meant that 48-year-old Brett Favre’s name would be mentioned. And you knew that Ed Werder would be the guy to do it…
…so obvious that you could have set your watch to it. I wonder how old the gunslinger will have to be before Ed Werder stops asking. 50? 60? And you know Favre LOVED getting that call. Denying rumors of his own triumphant return is all that keeps #4 alive these days. Newsflash Brett, nobody wants a 48-year-old QB with a small dick. People don’t forget.
7. Philadelphia Eagles
Serious question: Are the Eagles the best team in the NFC? They just went into Carolina and won, Rodgers went down, the Falcons are a mess, and the Seahawks can’t block. Another serious question: Is Carson Wentz the MVP? Hot Take City, U.S.A. The only passer in the league with more yards and more touchdowns was ranked #3 this week. All aboard the Wentz Wagon indeed!
8. Ira Toyota of Danvers
(Sponsored) Coming in at #8 is the best place to purchase a new or used car on the North Shore! Ira Toyota has proudly served members of the Danvers, Peabody and Salem communities for years, and when you shop with them you’re the top priority. Visit their showroom on Andover Street today, and drive off in a certified pre-owned Corolla for NO MONEY DOWN.
(Note: If you want to see your business featured on the Power Rankings AND help to pay down a gambling debt please send us a DM on any social media platform)
9. Adrian Peterson’s Switch
Guess who’s back, back again… AP’s back, tell a friend! It looked like Peterson’s career may be over as he stumbled through a brief but useless tenure as a Saint. In four games he rushed for 81 yards on 27 carriers without scoring a touchdown. In one afternoon with his new squad he piled up 134 yards and found the end zone twice. Props to fantasy owners who hung on to AP. It will be interesting to see what happens if/when David Johnson comes back this year. Just good to see AP using a switch for something that doesn’t involve a bruised 4-year-old. People don’t forget.
10. Hollywood
On the surface it wasn’t a great week for Tinseltown. I’ll leave the social commentary to my esteemed colleague Al Michaels, and instead focus on the positives. This week the Chargers squeaked by the Raiders while the Rams were defeating the Jaguars. It marks the first time that two professional football teams from L.A. have won on the same day since WEEK 18 of the 1993 season!
Seriously, look it up, apparently they had an 18-week season in ’93 to give the players an extra bye week to recuperate. Nice that they cared about player safety 24 years ago (since then studies have shown that football is safe though, so NBD).
Anyway, back in ’93 (actually January 2nd of 1994) the Raiders beat the Broncos 33-30 at the Coliseum while the Rams were trouncing the Jim Harbaugh-led Bears 20-6 at Anaheim Stadium. 8,688 days later the City of Angels would go 2-0 again. Shout out to the haters who said I was incapable of doing research and presenting facts.
Also Receiving Votes: Deshaun Watson, Leonard Fournette, Alfred Morris and/or Darren McFadden Fantasy Owners, Unemployed Kickers in the Jacksonville Area, Cooper Cousins, and My Bookie.
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