The Prompt NFL Power Rankings – Week 6: Gridlock

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. New England Patriots    

It feels like just the other day that the Chiefs were undefeated and the belles of the AFC ball while the Patriots were getting their dicks stomped in by the Lions. Oh my how times have changed.

Little Patrick Mahomes and his 5-0 team came to Foxboro on Sunday night looking to put a stranglehold on the race for the #1 seed. Instead they received what so many teams before them have: a crash course in Ph.D.-level situational football.

The game was as close as the 43-40 score would lead you to believe, and the team who had the ball last was likely going to win. The Patriots had the ball last, because they have been in a hundred of these games and they know how to win them. Mahomes has started fewer games in total than Tom Brady has started in Super Bowls, and it showed—with two costly interceptions.

The Pats have now won 3 straight, averaging just under 40 points per game over that stretch, and head to Chicago for another showdown with an inexperienced QB.

The Chiefs will attempt to salvage whats left of their season when they host the Bengals.

2. Hollywood Rams

The Rams traveled up to the mountains and beat the Broncos, making them the league’s only undefeated team. This one was all about Todd Gurley, who had a couple touchdowns and rushed for more yards (208) than Jared Goff threw for (201). If you drafted Le’Vacation Bell first overall in your fantasy draft and passed on Gurley, then perhaps you should take up knitting.

Here at The Prompt, we often talk about how young coach Sean McVay is. But not today. Today I’ll remind you that Sean McVay was already the Redskins offensive coordinator when Tyreek Hill assaulted his pregnant girlfriend. Just something to remember.

3. AFC North

We have a good ol’ fashioned Mexican standoff up North in the AFC. After the Steelers won in Cincy and the Ravens blanked the Titans there is a lot of standings congestion going on:

I hesitate to say that a division including Andy Dalton, Joe Flacco, Mike Tomlin, and Hue Jackson is the best in the league, but it is certainly the most competitive. It will be fun to see who chokes the most down the stretch.

4. AFC South

A more comical instance of division standings deadlock can be found in the AFC South, where nobody has a winning record. The term “clusterfuck” gets thrown around a lot to mean all sorts of things, but I’m pretty sure this is the pictorial definition of a clusterfuck:

I’m not going to waste my time (or yours for that matter) on much analysis. The Colts gave up 42 points to the Jets, the Titans couldn’t score at home against the Ravens, and the Jaguars went into Dallas and got embarrassed. The only victor were the Texans, who squeaked out a win against Nathan Peterman and the Bills. This group is not exactly the darlings of the RedZone channel.

5. Philadelphia Eagles

The Wentz Wagon rides again! It has been a while since Philly’s prodigy passer had an impressive performance, and I heard rumors that Eagles fans were already calling for the backup. Granted, the backup is the reigning Super Bowl MVP, but Wentz is a talent that you don’t give up on. He posted a 122+ passer rating in a good road win over a division rival, and I get to keep making Wentz Wagon pictures. Everybody wins. Except the Giants.

6. London Seahawks

Cheerio! The Seahawks traveled 4,781 miles from the Pacific Northwest to London and absolutely dismantled the Raiders. For a team that loves their home field advantage, they sure looked comfortable across the pond.

As for the Raiders, you might as well rename them the Paul Allens, because they dead (too soon?). I know he is getting paid a truck load of money, but Jon Gruden MUST be wishing he had stayed in the MNF booth. The funny thing is, the worst part of the transition is not going to be the Raiders eventual 3-13 record, it will be the fact that we all need to listen to Jason Witten try to call football games.

7. San Diego Chargers of Los Angeles

The sneakiest team in the NFL is the San Diego Chargers. They are sneaky good, as their only two losses have come against the Rams and the Chiefs. They also managed to sneak out of San Diego without anybody noticing. Did you guys know that they play in L.A. now? No? Neither do people in L.A. Sure, the Chargers’ four wins have come against the Bills, Niners, Raiders, and Browns, but I think they’re capable of sneaking into the playoffs as well.

8. Jameis Winston Fantasy Owners (or Fantasy Owners Of Whichever QB Plays the Falcons)

Jameis Winston is a douche so this isn’t about him or his 395 passing yards or 4 TDs. This is about Atlanta’s defense, which has given up the second most fantasy points to QBs this year. The team that has given up the most points? The Bucs, which explains the 34-29 Falcons victory.

9. Brock Osweiler’s Agent

If you’re a long time reader of the Rankings you’ll remember Jimmy Sexton, the agent who somehow gets huge contracts for terrible quarterbacks. He must have been smiling this week as the prized giraffe in his stable got the start for the Dolphins and managed to beat the Bears. Brock Osweiler threw for 380 yards and 3 TDs against a defense we thought was good, meaning we might have a QB controversy in Miami. But even if Ryan Tannehill returns, Osweiler still cashes the checks.

10. Mason Crosby’s Therapist

Shout out to whoever was in charge of keeping the Packers’ kicker from jumping out a window after his historically terrible performance last week. Crosby bounced back by converting all four of his field goal attempts, including a 51-yarder, in the Pack’s tight win over San Fran. C.J. “Hard to Beat” Beathard put up a fight, but in the end Aaron Rodgers’ painkillers were too potent. The real crime in Green Bay’s come from behind win is the AGGRESSIVE C.J. Beathard picture that I had to scrap.

Also Receiving Votes: Saquon Barkley, Sam Darnold, Kirk Cousins and his Dance Moves, My Bookie and Bruce Irvin’s Wife.