The Prompt NFL Power Rankings – Week 5: The One Where The Dolphins Didn’t Lose

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Not Redskins Fans

Congratulations to all fans of any of the 31 non-Washington franchises in the NFL: You’re ranked at No. 1 this week! All it took for Jay Gruden to get fired was 5+ mediocre seasons, an 0-5 start to the year, and Bill Belichick coming to town to finish him for good.

Dan Snyder is now neck-and-neck with James Dolan in the race for Worst Owner in Sports, better known as the Donald Sterling Cup. One positive thing to come out of the Redskins’ failure is that people are so busy criticizing the football team that they forgot about the racist nickname.

2. The London Raiders

Jon Gruden had a much better week than his younger brother. He took his team across the pond and beat the Bears in front of 60,463 confused soccer fans. The Raiders go into their bye week with a winning record for the first time since (Insert: The year that my intern would have identified based on research if I had an intern).

3. Indianapolis Colts

Derek Carr defeating the Bears’ defense was surprising, but the biggest shock of the week came Sunday night at Arrowhead. Nobody picked Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs to lose to this Colts team, and now people are scrambling to figure out if Indy is actually good, or if there is something wrong in KC.

I’m too lazy to do a human centipede picture this week since it seems like almost every team has beaten almost every team. Instead you can noodle on these 3 results:

4. Browns Bandwagon Available Capacity

Speaking of confusing team… EVAKUIEREN!!! Everybody off! False alarm!

I thought the Browns getting 3.5 points after beating the Ravens was a smart play, and boy was I wrong. I’m sorry if you lost money on my “lock of the week”, but if you’re taking my advice at this point then you probably deserve it.

This team is like Dr. Jekyll and Carlos Hyde, one week their good, the next week they’re bad. So frustrating.

5. The Remaining Undefeated Teams

As the dust settles on Week 5 there are only two squads yet to lose, and both a quarterback by objectively handsome men. While the 5-0 Pats and 4-0 Niners should both feel good about their hot starts, they really shouldn’t feel that good. Those 9 wins came against the Jets, Dolphins, Redskins, Bengals, Browns, Bucs, Bills, and Steelers x2. Of that group, only Buffalo has a winning record, and their none of their four victories are over a team with a winning record. I feel like I’m losing you… all I’m trying to say is that we don’t really know who is good yet. Let’s move on.

6. Christian McCaffrey

The hot topic for talking heads this week is whether or not the Panther’s whunning back is the top candidate for MVP. Seeing as it’s early October, I don’t think we should waste time on stupid discussions. The Prompt doesn’t pay me by the word, so I’ll just say that McCaffrey is a stud, one of the best fantasy players in a while, and probably definitely Donald Trump’s favorite running back.

The Prompt does pay for traffic, so we need to mention Gardner Minshew. The ‘Mania was in full effect in Carolina as Minshew passed and ran for over 400 yards and a couple touchdowns, but it wasn’t enough to overcome RUN CMC.

7. Seattle Seahawks

It feels like a week ago because it was, but the Seahawks busted out their ridiculous “color rush” uniforms and beat the Rams last Thursday in a wild game. Russell Wilson is having his best season ever, but it still took a few wild plays, annoying penalties and a missed field goal from Greg The Leg to give Seattle the W. I don’t remember much else, so apologies for the lack of analysis, I just wanted to reuse the highlighter picture.

8. Justin Tucker

I try not to let kickers sneak into the top 10, but this dude beat the Steelers almost by himself. He hit a pair of game-tying field goals in the fourth quarter and then delivered the game-winner in OT. I think kicking should probably be eliminated from the game altogether, but while these pipsqueaks are still involved I’ll give credit where credit is due.

9. Aaron Jones Fantasy Owners

I started the Eagles defense too in case you were sitting there wondering how my fantasy team did this week.

10. The No. 1 Draft Pick Sweepstakes

Next week, on the NFL Power Rankings… Now that the Broncos have been sent home only four winless teams remain! In a twist that nobody saw coming the Redskins will take a romantic helicopter to Miami to play the Dolphins in a dramatic game where there will only be one rose… That’s all NEXT WEEK, on the NFL Power Rankings.

Also Receiving Votes: Bills Mafia, Sam Darnold’s Spleen, The Wentz Wagon, Kyler Murray’s Legs, My Bookie and Fantasy Owners of Deshaun Watson, Will Fuller V, Michael Thomas, Amari Cooper, Adam Thielen, Josh Jacobs, Matt Breida and whoever DJ Chark Jr is.