The Prompt NFL Power Rankings: Week 4 – Touchdown Porn

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Hollywood Rams

It feels like a week ago (and by the time you read this, it was) but the Showtime Rams continued their incredible run of offense and beat the Vikings 38-31 last Thursday. Jared Goff posted career-highs of 465 yards and 5 touchdowns while his wide receiver trio was historic. Cooper Kupp, Brandin Cooks, and Robert Woods all had triple-digit receiving nights and each scored at least once. I thought I was going to let the cup/cooks/woods joke die but let’s fill it up again:

Poor joking aside, this team is nuts. They have now scored 33, 34, 35, and 38 points en route to the ??th* 4-0 start in team history. If you had only started Rams players on your fantasy team this week and left RB2 and TE empty you would have put up over 140 nerd points. Crazytown.

* = Weekly Disclaimer that I do not do research.

2. Patrick Mahomes

Is there anything this guy can’t do? The league’s only other undefeated team escaped Denver with a comeback win on Monday night thanks to their starting QB’s backup hand. The leading candidate for league MVP (R.I.P. Fitzmagic) managed to evade a Von Miller sack by switching to southpaw. Mahomes found Tyreek Hill on this crucial 3rd & 5 to pick up a first down during the eventual game-winning drive.

True story—I was checking out the NFL scoreboard on Monday and forgot that the Chiefs hadn’t played yet. I glanced at the preview for the MNF game and thought that the stats listed were actually from Sunday’s game:

I thought to myself, “Hmm, 896 yards and 13 TDs… that should probably be ranked #1.” The fact that it didn’t look that weird is a testament to how good this kid is.

3. Points

Holy scoring Batman! This was a busy week for the RedZone channel as touchdowns poured in left and right. A dozen teams scored 30+, 9 games saw the total hit or exceed 50, and the Browns and Raiders somehow combined for 87 points!

If you had played a drinking game on Sunday and shotgunned a beer after every score you would have definitely blacked out. Unless you’re one of those special heavy drinkers that has never blacked out before. You know the type… liars.

Note to self: Bet all the Overs in Week 4 next year.

4. Baker Mayfield

Yeah I know that technically Savior Mayfield didn’t get the W on Sunday, but his 295-yd/2 TD performance is worth mentioning. Through no fault of his own (except for a couple bad interceptions) the rookie QB was screwed out of a win by some terrible officiating. The game was over, the Browns had won by 8, but the refs decided to botch a ball-spot replay and give the Raiders another shot. Some crazy stuff happened… then overtime (I think)… and then the Browns lost again. In fairness, this all went down at like 7:30, and I was already drunk, so I don’t have all the details. Not drunk enough to require a Senate hearing, but drunk enough that I don’t remember the sequence of plays in a Browns-Raiders game.

5. Jon Gruden

The Cleveland loss was the first win of Chucky’s second tenure with Oakland. It was not pretty, and the Raiders still stink, but I’ve been waiting years to do this picture so here you go.

6. Same Old New England Patriots

Remember last week when I mentioned that this Week 4 game against Miami was a must-win if the Patriots wanted to right the ship and keep their AFC East title streak alive?

The dynasty continues as the Pats rolled the previously unbeaten Dolphins by a score of 100-3 (Editor’s Note: 38-7). Brady and Belichick reminded the rest of the NFL that the season doesn’t start until they say it does. Josh Gordon looks to be fitting in with the offense, Sony Michel and James White are developing a Thunder & Lightning backfield, and the defense didn’t look like slow headless chickens for the first time since mid-2017. Oh, and Julian Edelman returns this week like Gandalf coming from the east to save the day. Everything is back to normal.

7. Mitch(ell) Trubisky

We mentioned Goff, Mahomes, and Brady already, but the best QB this week was actually in Chicago. Trubisky completed 19 of 26 passes for 354 yards and 6 touchdowns. No Bear QB has ever thrown 6 TDs in a single game, I don’t think.

As the Bears improve to 3-1 it might be time to take them seriously, especially since their only loss was in a game where they dominated the Packers and fell victim to Aaron Rodgers’ pain killers.

Lastly, note to Trubisky: Your name isn’t Mitchell, its Mitch. You have always been Mitch. You were Mitch in college, Mitch at the draft, and Mitch last year. Stop trying to make Mitchell happen. Wait until you beat up a woman or drown a dog and let your PR firm change your name to Mitchell as part of the image rehabilitation campaign… don’t fire that bullet until you have to.

8. Alvin Kamara Fantasy Owners

The Saints’ second year running back just keeps getting better, and you nerds who drafted him won’t stop talking about it. Kamara tallied over 180 all-purpose yards and scored all 3 New Orleans touchdowns on Sunday.

On the flip side, if you passed on Kamara or Todd Gurley in favor of Le’Veon Bell you have probably quit fantasy football forever.

9. Cardinals #1 Pick

Speaking of suicidal thoughts, congrats to the stud offensive lineman that Arizona will be drafting with the #1 overall pick next April! The Raiders and Texans both won this week leaving the Cardinals as the league’s only 0-4 team, and things are not looking up. It’s way too early for actual draft projections, but I’m usually able to recycle this joke a few times a year, so here it is.

10. C.J. Beathard

I can’t believe I’m saying this but I think C.J. Beathard might actually be a leading man. Despite suffering a 29-27 loss to the San Diego Chargers of Los Angeles, Beathard looked formidable. If you’re still reading this far down in the column just pretend that I added more football analysis and didn’t just rank him so I could include this picture.

Also Receiving Votes: Josh Gordon’s Sponsor, Le’Veon Bell’s Agent, My Bookie, TBS, & Europe.