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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes or analysis that might offend you or your football team, and for the bad photoshops.
1. The Stylin’, Profilin’, Limousine Riding, Jet Flying, Kiss-Stealing, Wheelin’ n’ Dealin’ FIRST PLACE Hollywood Showtime Rams (Previously: 3rd)
Are the Rams actually good!?! Their inclusion in these rankings started as a joke, but since the Week 1 debacle in Santa Clara they have been one of the more impressive teams in football. After a road win against the group of guys wearing Arizona Cardinals uniforms this year the L.A. Professional Football Team finds themselves atop the AFC West. If it were a movie script, it would be too far-fetched! But then again, this is HOLLYWOOD.
2. Rex Ryan
Congrats to Big Sexy Rexy on his Week 4 Super Bowl victory! Ryan led his Bills into Foxboro and shut out the Patriots, the first time New England has failed to score at home since 1993. By beating Bill Belichick in an incredibly meaningful October 2nd game, Rex can finally close the book on the 2016 season and shift down to cruise control. The rest of the year will be a healthy dose of funny press conferences, buffalo wings, and an 8-8 record.
3. The Ryder Cup
Let’s face it, there was more action at Hazeltine National Golf Club over the weekend then there was at any NFL stadium. The drama was better, the competition was fiercer, and they actually let the golfers celebrate! If Matt Kuchar and Phil Mickelson did their shimmy dance anywhere near an NFL referee, they would be teeing off 15 yards back on the next hole. Oh, and don’t forget that golf has WAY fewer concussions than football (and way more Paulina Gretzky).
4. Jimmy Sexton
Who is Jimmy Sexton you ask? He is the agent who was able to convince the New York Jets to give Ryan Fitzpatrick $12 million guaranteed dollars for the 2016 season. A season in which Fitzpatrick is on pace to throw 40 interceptions and is currently dead last in the league with a 57.6 quarterback rating. Unless he is able to Fitzmagically turn it around, I think we can safely call the QB the most overpaid Harvard graduate since Eduardo Saverin.
5. Jack Del Rio’s Balls (Previously: 2nd, 7th, unranked)
If we’re being honest with each other, I just really wanted to use this picture again. Del Rio didn’t go for it on any 4th downs and there were no crazy 2-point conversion tries, but his Raiders went into Baltimore and picked up an important win. They are now 3-0 on the road with their only loss coming at home to an Atlanta Falcons team that might actually be good, and Captain Jack has everyone in Oaktown thinking WILDCARD, BITCHES!
6. Julio Jones
The Falcons wideout caught 12 balls for 300 freaking yards on Sunday, becoming just the 6th player in NFL history to get to 300 in a game. The all-time record of 336 was set in 1989 by Flipper Anderson, so the next time you’re doing pub trivia and the question is “Which former L.A. Ram who shares his name with a 1960s TV show about an aquatic marine mammal holds the record for most receiving yards in a single game?” you’ll look like a genius.
7. Rehab
If you’re an Amy Winehouse fan you may think that only dorks go to rehab, but Josh Gordon is changing that perception. The stud receiver, who was set to return from a drug suspension, decided to put football on hold and enter a treatment facility for alcohol. As a guy who drafted Gordon as a fantasy football sleeper, I was disappointed with the news, but as a fan of VH1 reality shows, I look forward to his group sessions with Dwight Gooden, Heidi Fleiss, and that messed up drummer from Guns N’ Roses.
8. Brexit
I have an idea, instead of just sending the Colts and Jaguars over to London to play a game, why don’t we just send the entire AFC South and let them stay there? Sort of how the Brits do that relegation thing in their version of football. The worst division in the league is a combined 6-10 and just lost JJ Watt for the year. I look forward to betting against their division winner in the Wild Card Weekend early Saturday game that is always terrible.
9. The Doppler Radar
For the second straight week, the Tampa Bay Bucs game was delayed due to rain or lightning, leaving the broadcasters with nothing to do but try to interpret the weather images that nobody really understands. The Bucs travel north to face the Panthers next week, but Carolina residents are not fearing Hurricane Jameis, a storm that will probably be intercepted before doing any damage.
10. The Falcons Over
The point totals in Atlanta’s first four games have been 55, 63, 77, and 81, while the over/under lines have been 47, 47.5, 54.5 and 48.5 respectively. This is especially significant if you look back at previous seasons, because the Falcons have been an incredibly consistent “under” team in recent history. In 2015 their games’ total went under the spread 13 times, over twice, and pushed once, including an 11-0-1 under record after the first four games, which is absolutely ridiculous from a gambling perspective. It was a great run, but there is no loyalty in betting like a degenerate, so Over here I come! (Note: If you’re looking to get out, there is help)
Also Receiving Votes: My Bookie, Tom Brady, The Minnesota Vikings, William Vincent Fullers I, II, III, IV & V, Big Ben, Jimmy Graham, Da Bears & Rosh Hashanah
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