Prompt Images
Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. Cleveland Browns
Rejoice, Cleveland! For the first time since Christmas Eve 2016 your Browns have won a professional football game. TWENTY-SIX quarterbacks have started for the Browns since they last made the playoffs in 2002, but it looks like they may have found their savior.
Baker Mayfield made his much anticipated debut in the second quarter of Thursday’s game against the Jets. Tyrod Taylor was abysmal (4-14 for 19 yards) before mercifully getting injured and opening the door for Baker Mania. The #1 overall pick did not disappoint, completing 17 of 23 passes for 201 yards and leading four scoring drives en route to a 21-17 victory.
I look forward to watching Hue Jackson screw this up.
2. Upsets
First of all, I am very sorry that you were knocked out of your survivor pool. I know you felt great about yourself after avoiding the Saints in Week 1 and thought that this might actually be the year that you took home some money. We all feel bad for you.
Week 3 saw a few ridiculous upsets (Titans over Jaguars, Lions over Patriots, Redskins over Packers) but none was more unexpected than the 0-2 Buffalo Bills going into Minneapolis and beating the Vikings. Not only did they beat them, they demolished them. The Bills put up all 27 of their points in the first half and carried a shutout into the fourth quarter.
The Vikings were 16.5 point favorites in this one, making it the biggest upset from a gambling perspective since 1995. And, yes, of course I had Minnesota laying the points.
3. Fitzmagic (born 9/9/18 – died 9/24/18)
Well, it was fun while it lasted. Unfortunately for Bucs fans it looks like the Fitzmagic has worn off. At first glance Ryan Fitzpatrick’s Monday night stat line was impressive: 411 yards passing and 3 touchdowns! If you watched the game you would have understood that his 20 incomplete passes and 3 terrible interceptions told the more familiar story of the journeyman QB.
Let’s not pretend like we haven’t seen this play out before… things get Fitzmagical for a couple weeks, just enough time for people to convince themselves that he could be THE guy for a contending team. And then things get Fitzpatricky, the turnovers pile up, and the fans start clamoring for the other QB (even if he is a sexual predator).
4. Hollywood Rams
The Rams hung 35 points on the Chargers in the battle of “L.A.” teams and are now the NFC’s only unbeaten squad. Todd Gurley continues to dominate on the ground while Jared Goff and his trio of stud wide receivers were spectacular through the air. Cooper Kupp (71 yards & a TD) and Brandin Cooks (90 yards) were good, but it was Robert Woods’ day to shine with 104 yards and a pair of touchdowns.
Next up are the Vikings, who come to Tinseltown next week to try and slow down the Greatest Show on Bermuda Grass.
BONUS PIC:
5. Patrick Mahomes Fantasy Owners
Congrats nerds, it must be fun to walk around the office telling everyone how you knew this guy would be a stud. You’re so cool.
The most impressive looking team in the AFC through 3 weeks is undoubtedly the Mahomes-led Chiefs, who took down the 49ers on Sunday thanks to another ridiculous performance by their young gunslinger. Mahomes had another 300+ yard 3-TD 0-INT game, making him the surprising front-runner for league MVP.
6. Miami Dolphins
The last franchise in NFL history to go undefeated is also the third (and most surprising) 3-0 team in the league. The Dolphins might also be the most boring team in the NFL. They beat the Titans by 7, the Jets by 8, and the Raiders by 8. Do you remember anything about any of those games? Could you pick Kenyan Drake out of a lineup?
Miami will now travel up to New England where a win would actually mean something.
7. Free Agent Quarterbacks
There looks to be a job opening in San Francisco thanks to Jimmy Garoppolo’s recently torn ACL. It was a rough scene watching the $137 million dollar man get carted off the field, you hate to see bad things happen to such handsome people.
Unless the 49ers are willing to give the starting role to 70’s pornstar C.J. Beathard they will be looking to fill the void quickly. Apparently interviewees this week include Tom Savage, Kellen Clemens, T.J. Yates, and E.J. Manuel, among other no-names.
Is that it? Are there any other free agent QBs out there? Perhaps one with with ties to the Bay Area? Mobile, good arm, 30ish years old, Super Bowl experience?
Nope.
8. Tiger Woods
Yeah sure technically Tiger doesn’t play in the NFL, but if you play on Sunday in September then you qualify for the rankings. As an unapologetic TW fanboy, I needed to include him after he actually won a golf tournament. Some will argue that the Tour Championship is a bit contrived, and that a 30-player field isn’t a true test. I disagree, considering these were the 30 best golfers in the world, and that Woods has been knocking on this moment’s door all year. Now he and the boys fly to France to try and successfully defend the Ryder Cup on foreign soil for the first time in decades. Caché tes femmes!
9. Matt Patricia
Well, apparently the student has become the teacher. It was supposed to be a “Bill Belichick Never Loses To Ex-Assistants And He Certainly Never Loses Two Weeks In A Row” bounce-back game for the Pats. Instead it was possibly the worst Patriot performance since that Monday night in Kansas City back in 2014. Remember that game? This might jog your memory:
A couple Super Bowl wins later that penis with a goatee is still apologizing for saying this, which is why you shouldn’t jump to conclusions in September. That said, Sunday night’s 26-10 loss in Detroit was really ugly. I don’t want to label a Week 4 game against Miami as a “must-win”, but falling to 1-3 and letting the Dolphins get to 4-0 might be the end of the Pats’ record streak of 9-straight division titles.
HA! What am I saying? The Pats could win the AFC East with Brian Hoyer throwing to Phillip Dorsett. Carry on.
10. Sunday Night Scaries
I’ll be honest with you guys, this week was bad. Not only did I stay up for the entire train wreck of a game but I made a few mistakes in the process. The first was not switching to light beer, instead I overdosed on hops. Then I poured way too much red pepper flakes on my pizza. AND THEN I ate the whole pizza.
I tell you all this so you understand the ridiculous heartburn that I woke up with at 3 A.M. I spent the early morning hours sitting in the dark eating Tums like popcorn. My anxiety alternated between end-of-Q3 sales numbers and the fact that the Pats have the slowest linebackers in football history.
We’re only 3 weeks into the season, but this might be the one that kills me.
Also Receiving Votes: Drew Brees, Calvin Ridley Fantasy Owners, John Deere, AP, Saquon Barkley’s Legs, The 12th Man and Mike Tomlin’s Job.
RELATED
