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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes or analysis that might offend you or your football team, and for the bad photoshops.
1. Bill Belichick (Previously: 2nd)
In what might be the greatest September (if not regular season) coaching feat in his career, Belichick masterminded a 27-0 rout of a (supposedly) competent Texans team. He did so with a third-3rd string rookie QB who didn’t throw a touchdown pass, without his stud middle linebacker and All-Pro tight end, and against his protege who probably knows the New England playbook as well as any opposing coach. In related news, Foxboro PD is still searching for Captain America JJ Watt, who has been missing since late Thursday evening.
2. Rookie Quarterbacks (Previously: 2nd & 8th)
While Carson Wentz is clearly the leader in the ROY clubhouse (3-0, 769 yards, 5 TDs, 0 INTs, 103.8 rating), it is impossible to deny the impact of other first-time starters this season. Jacoby Brissett guided the aforementioned Patriots offense to 27 points on Thursday night, Trevor Siemian led the Broncos to a huge road win in Cincinnati to improve to 3-0, and Dak Prescott sported a 123.6 QB rating in a victory over the Bears. Cleveland’s sacrificial lamb Cody Kessler doesn’t look quite as good, but the Cavs won so whatever.
3. The Glitz & Glam L.A. Rams (Previously: 4th)
OH YOU WANT TOUCHDOWNS!?! We have been joking about the high-flying & death-defying Showtime Rams here on The Prompt NFL Power Rankings, but the joke’s on us. Jeff Fisher is adamant about not going 7-9, and for once, that looks like a possibility. Case Keenum, Todd Gurley, and the rest of the Hard Knockers put up 5 touchdowns in an impressive road victory over the Bucs. That sentence sounded weird, let’s just say they got a win over the Bucs.
4. The Demogorgon (Previously Unranked)
The Saints were ambushed by a two-headed monster on Monday Night and found themselves unable to cast a protection spell. Falcons backs Tevin Coleman and Devonta Freeman were spectacular, combining for 296 total yards and 4 touchdowns, rewarding fantasy owners who started both of them (*cough*). I only know what a demogorgon is from the widely popular show Stranger Things and not from the fantasy role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons, because I am not a fucking nerd.
5. My Bookie (Previously doing very well, but Unranked)
Complaining about personal betting losses is the third3rd lowest form of conversation, right behind explaining why you double-bogeyed a hole and lamenting how you lost a big hand with pocket aces. But let me just say this: The NFL makes absolutely zero fucking sense.
The Seahawks lost to the Rams in Week 2…… the Rams got demolished by the 49ers in Week 1…… but the Seahawks were favored by 10.5 over the 49ers this week. Too much, I thought. Sam Bradford is not going to go on the road and beat the defending NFC champs, I thought., Ttease Carolina with Green Bay, easy money, I thought. The moral of the story is that gambling is bad and you shouldn’t do it, but on the other hand the Bengals -6.5 at home against Miami looks like a great bet for Thursday night and nobody likes a quitter.
6. Terrelle Pryor (Previously Definitely Unranked)
Not since Kordell Stewart made “Slash” a thing has an NFL athlete ever mastered the position of QB/RB/WR. That is, until Terrelle Pryor threw up a crazy stat line against the Browns on Sunday: 3/5 for 35 yards passing, 8 receptions for 144 yards, and 4 rushes for 21 yards and a touchdown. It’s great to see Terrelle succeeding at the pro level after taking a pay cut to leave Ohio State.
7. Dirty Dancing (Previously Unranked)
The much anticipated Odell Beckham vs. Josh Norman rematch lived up to hype and then some. The two were at each other all day, and while Norman didn’t exactly put Baby in a corner (ODB caught 7 balls for 121 yards) it was the Washington Racists who got the win. Beckham threw temper tantrums, cried, and certainly didn’t have the time of his life, despite Norman’s best efforts.
8. Minnesota Vikings
A beloved young quarterback suffering a season-ending injury in August usually means it will be a disastrous season. When that same team’s All-Everything running back goes down for the year in Week 2, you can all but plan a Viking funeral. But don’t tell that to Mike Zimmer’s squad, who are 3-0 after a decisive 22-10 win AT the NFC champ Panthers. It took Sam Bradford 7 years but it looks like he may finally meet expectations and lead a team to the playoffs. Good thing, because it was this or those Nissan Heisman House commercials and frankly, Manziel needs the work.
9. Carlos “Garbage Time” Hyde (Previously Unranked)
Fantasy owners of the 49ers running back were rewarded early Sunday evening as Hyde punched in a pair of touchdowns and a 2-point conversion in the 4th quarter to cut the Seahawks lead from 37-3 to 37-18. If only he had shown the same drive all game, my bookie may not have made this week’s list.
10. Alphonse “Big Boy” Caprice (Previously Unranked)
Congrats to Al Pacino’s character from Dick Tracy on owning the Atlanta Falcons. That’s the whole joke, but I’m confident enough to end with it.
Also Receiving Votes: Jack Del Rio’s Brain, Tom Brady’s Tan Lines, Female Running Backs, Dustin Hopkins, Dustin Hoffman, Anthony Hopkins, and Drapery Installers.
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