The Prompt NFL Power Rankings: Week 2

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes or analysis that might offend you or your football team, and for the bad photoshops.

1. NFL Referees (Previously Unranked)

Across the league the refs managed to make the game about themselves, calling 15 excessive celebration penalties. FIFFUCKINGTEEN! Heaven forbid they let these guys express themselves before head trauma decays the creative parts of their brain…THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!

2. Patriots Quarterback (Previously: 1st)

What happens when your impossibly handsome backup quarterback is knocked out of the game in the 2nd quarter after a 3-TD half with a 130.8 pass rating? You bring in your backup backup QB from NC State who nobody has heard of. Trying to fill the shoes of the guy trying to fill Tom Brady’s shoes is no easy task, but Jacoby Brissett managed to manage the game, not make any mistakes, and guide the Pats to their second victory. Halfway to the return of TB12 and another division title appears to be a foregone conclusion.

3. Rob Ryan (Previously: Unranked)

Rarely does a football team lose 37-31 and promptly fire their OFFENSIVE coordinator, but that’s what just went down in Buffalo. What else was head coach Rex Ryan going to do? Fire his brother Rob, Assistant Head Coach in charge of the defense? Nepotism at its finest!

4. The Showtime Rams (Previously: 10th)

Who cares that the L.A. Football Rams have yet to score a touchdown? Offense is back in Tinsel Town! Thanks to three field goals and solid D, Jeff Fisher’s squad avenged their Week 1 shutout loss with a 9-3 THUMPING of the Seattle “DGAF ‘Til November” Seahawks. This proves what I have long thought: Case Keenum is the next Magic Johnson.

6. Knee Surgeons (No Change)

Another week and we have more crippling knee injuries. Danny Woodhead tears his ACL and is out for the season, while Adrian Peterson has a torn meniscus and ruined your co-worker’s fantasy season (“Oh no, really? Tell me the story…you had Tony Romo too?? That’s terrible! Should I be watching Mr. Robot??”). The hits just keep on coming, but the orthos are measuring their new yachts. In related news, AP is one of the greatest runningbacks of all time, can we get him a golf cart!?!

7. Jack Del Rio’s Balls (Previously: 2nd)

Despite a tough home loss to the Falcons, Black Jack was up to his gambling ways again this week, not letting a pesky thing like 4th down stop his offense from going for it with the game on the line. As a team the Raiders looked incredibly beatable, but their coach’s nuts remain undefeated.

8. Gingers (Previously Unranked)

Let’s hear it for the redheads! Carson Wentz is 2-0 and leads the Rookie of the Year race; Jason Garrett picked up a big win in the division; and despite a loss to the Steelers, Andy Dalton threw for an impressive 366 yards. Willie Snead is probably not a natural ginger, but he caught another TD pass as well. And don’t forget Rams punter Johnny Hekker, who has had to boot 16 times already this year (not an L.A. bulimia joke, their offense just sucks).

9. Marshawn Lynch (Previously Unranked)

Beast Mode is killing the retirement game and the Seahawks are desperately feeling his absence. Seattle has scored 15 points in the first two weeks and only managed to rush for 67 yards on Sunday as Christine Michael sets the feminist movement back a decade.

10. The Carolina Panthers Against Bad Teams (Previously Unranked)

Not since the 2013 Miami Heat has a team been better when they’re better than the Carolina Panthers. As long as they’re ahead and not facing a great defense, and Cam has had his greek yogurt, they are absolutely unstoppable. That type of front-running is dynamite until the Super Bowl.

Also Receiving Votes: Melvin Gordon’s Mother, The Vikings Defense, The Browns in the 1st Half, Jerick McKinnon Fantasy Owners, The Giants/Saints Under, Texas Barbecue, and Wide Receivers with the last name Benjamin.