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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. Drew Brees
The No. 1 spot this week, and possibly this decade, goes to the most accomplished quarterback in the history of organized football.
This is a very polarizing time for our country. Republicans disagree with Democrats, Democrats disagree with Republicans, and Antonio Brown disagrees with most of the voices in his head. But one thing that every American can agree on is that Drew Brees breaking Peyton Manning’s record for career passing touchdowns (in the regular season) is important.
If anything can help this country heal it is coming together to celebrate this monumental achievement.
2. Lamar Jackson
Before the season started the Ravens QB was a 50-1 long shot to win the league MVP award. That quickly dropped to 10-1 and then 8-1 after an impressive first couple of games, but a brief regression saw the odds return to 50-1 as recently as mid-October. And then Lamar stopped fucking around.
In Week 6 against the Bengals, he threw for 236 yards and rushed for another 152, and his odds improved to 30-1. In Week 7 he went into Seattle, bested Russell Wilson, and was back to 10-1. After a Week 8 bye, he was 7-1, and then he demolished the Patriots, moving to 3-1.
You see where this is going. After Weeks 10-14 he was +250, +150, -300, -400 and then -700 before Thursday’s game with the Jets. Five touchdown passes later and he’s officially off the board. “Congratulations to your 2019 NFL MVP, Lamar Jackson.” — Las Vegas, Nevada.
3. New England Patriots
America’s Team went into Cincinnati and defeated a feisty Bengals squad 34-13. They ran the ball well, and Stephon Gilmore’s pair of interceptions cemented himself as the league’s best defensive player. Business as usual for the defending champs. Nothing to see here. Please disperse.
4. Jason Garrett
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: “After a series of bad losses due to horrible coaching, the underachieving Cowboys surprised everybody by notching a huge win and saving Jason Garrett’s job.” It’s crazy, this guy’s coaching tenure has been one prolonged stay of execution. Dallas hung 44 points on the defending NFC champs, Jerry is happy, and Garrett lives to fight another day.
The 7-7 Cowboys travel to Philly this week to play the 7-7 Eagles and determine which dogshit team will get the fourth seed in the NFC.
5. The Browns’ Week 4 Super Bowl Championship
Speaking of dogshit… Cleveland, your football team, WOOF!
It feels like I ask this every week, so I apologize for the redundancy, but HOW THE HELL DID THIS BROWNS TEAM BEAT THE RAVENS!?!
Seriously, how is that possible??? Cleveland lost in Arizona this week, giving up 38 points to a 4-9-1 Cardinals team. Kyler Murray outplayed Baker Mayfield in the battle of Heisman-winning Sooners, and any chance of the Browns making the playoffs was emphatically dashed.
Honorable Mention goes to Hue Jackson, who looks like Vince Lombardi compared to Freddie Kitchens.
6. Jameis Winston
The schizophrenic season of Jameis Winston continued Sunday, as he threw his league-leading 24th interception on the third play of the game. Then what did he do? He threw for 458 yards and 4 TDs. He now leads the league in passing for a mathematically eliminated Bucs team. It’s so hard to know which end is up with this guy, I would not want to be the GM who has to decide whether or not to sign this guy.
7. Bills Mafia
The last time the Buffalo Bills had a double-digit season win total was during the tail end of the Clinton administration. That was, until Sunday night, when they notched their 10th victory with a gutsy performance in Pittsburgh.
These Bills are not flashy, but they have a great defense, and a QB in Josh Allen who can do some things. He’s no Drew Brees, with all those incredible statistics, but he can move around and doesn’t make a lot of mistakes.
Buffalo travels to Foxboro for a Week 16 showdown with the Patriots. They are a +6.5 underdog, but given the current state of the Pats’ offense, I think you should take the points.
8. Trap Games
Last week the 49ers thought they were hot shit. They had the best record in the NFC, they just won a thriller in New Orleans, and they occupied the top spot in the Prompt NFL Power Rankings. The 4-9 Falcons were coming to town for what was supposed to be a relaxing game. Unfortunately for San Fran, Julio Jones & Co. had other ideas. Atlanta posted 19 points in the fourth quarter to pull off the shocking upset and send the NFC playoff picture into an uproar.
The Niners now find themselves in the fifth seed, needing a Week 17 win in Seattle to avoid a road game in the Wild Card round*.
*Good news, 49er faithful: That road game will be against the NFC Least champ in Dallas or Philly, so you’re probably fine.
9. Football Weather
There is nothing better than turning on RedZone and seeing white. Football in the snow is a truly awesome viewing experience. Unless you bet the over and then it really really sucks.
10. Drugs
I’ve never been a huge drug guy. That’s not to say I don’t have vices (all of the others), but I typically stay away from the banned substances. So I don’t know what a guy like Josh Gordon is going through, all I can do is feel bad that he has been suspended for the thousandth time for violating the NFL’s drug policy.
But maybe we shouldn’t feel bad for him. The guy has made over $5 million in a relatively short career, which isn’t much by athlete standards but might be a lot for a guy just looking to get high. Maybe Gordon just likes drugs more than he likes football. Perhaps he prefers being stoned to putting his body through the rigors of a football season. Many of his peers are developing chronic injuries that they will probably try to numb with drugs. Gordon is just skipping the CTE.
Also Receiving Votes: Eli Manning, Clark Griswold, and People Who Don’t Participate in Fantasy Football.
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