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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. New England Patriots
*That feeling when you accidentally shoplift and feel like a criminal*
Well, that was quite a game to say the least. My prediction from last week was “Patriots 34 – Steelers 24, Mike Tomlin befuddled.” I gave the Pats an extra touchdown but managed to nail both the Pittsburgh total as well as Tomlin’s post-game emotional state.
When Big Ben threw that inexplicable interception at the buzzer the Steelers’ coach went full Ralph Wiggum:
You’d think that while overlooking every opponent for the last month and only focusing on the Patriots, Tomlin might have come up with a better game plan than “cover Rob Gronkowski 1-on-1 and see what happens.”
I don’t want to pile on the Steelers, but this is why you’re you and the Pats are the Pats. It would be easy to say that the final play was lucky, but it wasn’t. One team was prepared and the other wasn’t. One team was calm and focused under pressure and the other spazzed out and pooped their pants. One team practices situational football and the other practices choreographed touchdown celebrations.
It appears that yet again the road to the Super Bowl goes through Foxboro.
2. Hollywood Rams
It was supposed to be the game that brought the L.A. Showtime Rams back down to earth. A December showdown in Seattle against a Seahawks team that has dominated the NFC West for the better part of a decade. Unfortunately for the ‘Hawks nobody told Todd Gurley. The Rams’ back solidified his stardom with a performance for the ages: 180 all-purpose yards and 4 (count ’em) 4 touchdowns en route to a 42-7 bloodbath.
Gurley’s 42 fantasy points are the most a Ram has accumulated since Marshall Faulk put up 47 against the Seahawks in Week 7 of 2002*… not the most disrespectful thing that Faulk has ever done to someone, but it is the on-field equivalent of repeatedly whipping out your penis and demanding oral sex.
*(Insert joke about Sean McVay getting his driver’s license)
3. Jacksonville Jaguars
It has been a long, strange trip for the Jacksonville Jaguars, but thanks to the league’s best defense and a resurgent Blake Bortles they are returning to the playoffs for the first time in a decade. That is not a short layoff… Tiger Woods has won a major more recently than the Jags have played past Week 17. Am I salivating at the mouth to bet against them in the playoffs? Yes I am, but for now they deserve some props.
P.S. – Never forget:
4. Philadelphia Eagles
The Foles Wagon rolled through the swamps of Jersey as the Eagles managed to notch their 12th win over the feisty Giants. Philly’s QB looked like 2013 Nick Foles, throwing for 4 TDs and zero interceptions in the 34-29 victory. The Eagles own the tiebreaker over the 11-3 Vikings, which means the only thing standing between them and clinching the #1 seed this week are Jack Del Rio’s balls.
5. Kansas City Chiefs
Talk about a demoralizing loss. The San Diego Chargers’ winning streak came to an end in Kansas City on Saturday as the Chiefs won the de facto playoff game in convincing fashion. The only way for the Bolts to take the division now is if they win @ Jets and vs. Raiders while the Chiefs lose at home to the Dolphins AND in Denver. The odds of that happening are… tries to do math… keeps trying… fails…
6. NFC Playoff Race
The race for the last NFC playoff spot is more of a clusterfuck than the NFL Network’s HR department:
It should make for some fun games over the next two weeks though. The Falcons control their own destiny but have tough games against the Saints and Panthers to close the season. Either the Seahawks or Cowboys will be eliminated when they play on Christmas Eve. Don’t count out the Lions either, if the Falcons go 0-2 they would slip in with wins over the Bengals and Packers. Good luck to all these teams in the “Get Your Ass Kicked By The Rams” Sweepstakes.
7. Bills Mafia
After losing 23-3 to the Patriots in Week 13, it looked like the Bills were sleeping with the fishes. Two wins later they are back in the playoff picture, so we need to give #BillsMafia one last shout-out this year. Their postseason hopes are likely short-lived, thanks to a rematch with the Pats this week and a favorable schedule for the currently 7th-seeded Ravens, but it was a good run.
Is this my best MS Paintjob yet? Might be, right?
8. Jimmy Sexton
In a sentence that I never thought I would type, Brock Osweiler may have just played himself into another big contract! Crazy as it sounds, the Brockstar posted a 147.7 QB rating in Thursday’s win in Indianapolis. He was an efficient 12-17 for 194 yards and a pair of scores, a line that must make his agent drool.
Sexton is having a huge year, having just gotten Jimbo Fisher a $75 million contract with Texas A&M. With his 8 percent cut that makes it a nice payday of (tries to do math again, fails) a lot of money!
9. Jimmy Garoppolo
Another week another win for the sexiest QB alive. 381 yards, a TD and no picks… ho-hum.
I got a bunch of emails after last week’s rankings about Jimmy G being my doppelgänger. Please stop with all that. He does his thing and I do mine… the comparisons aren’t fair. I understand where you’re coming from, but still, enough.
10. Brett Hundley
Packers Quarterbacks in the month of December:
Hundley: 2 wins, zero losses, 1 interception
Aaron Rodgers: Zero wins, 1 loss, 3 interceptions
Also Receiving Votes: Devonta Freeman, Todd Gurley Fantasy Owners, The Vikings Defense, Non-MVP Candidates, Sean “Puffy” Combs, Gene Steratore, My Bookie and the 2008 Detroit Lions.
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