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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. Philadelphia Eagles
ALL ABOARD THE FOLES WAGON! It certainly doesn’t have the same ring to it, but Eagles fans don’t really have a choice at this point. Time to play a little game of Good News/Bad News to help get them through this…
Good News: Your team improved to an NFC-best 11-2 with an impressive win over the Rams in L.A.
Bad News: Your MVP quarterback tore his ACL and is done for the season.
Good News: Nick Foles threw for 27 touchdowns and only 2 interceptions over 13 games the last time he took over the Eagles after the starter went down.
Bad News: That was way back in 2013, when Sean McVay was a 27-year-old Tight Ends coach for the Redskins and Donald Trump was just reality TV host and a sexual predator.
2. 1995 Expansion Teams
Huge weekend for the Cats! The Panthers were able to put 31 points up on the Vikings defense while the Jaguars hung on for an ugly win over the Seahawks. Each team improved to 9-4 and are firmly in the playoff picture, as Carolina is the top wild card in the NFC, while the Jaguars are the front-runners to win the AFC South.
P.S. Remember how big teal was in the ’90s? What happened to teal? What did every new expansion team have teal uniforms? Seriously… Hornets, Sharks, D-Backs, Rays… which focus group decided on teal? R.I.P. Teal… good run.
3. New England Patriots
Yup, this is the angle I’m going to take, so buckle in and try not to get lost in the spin zone.
This was a great week for the New England Patriots. Not only was Gronk able to get a little rest, but the Pats were able to enjoy a quick trip to South Beach without the stress of actually executing a game plan. The worst thing that could have happened going into next week’s showdown with the Steelers was an easy victory on Monday Night.
Whichever team wins in Pittsburgh is going to be the #1 seed in the AFC. A loss to Miami doesn’t change that. If anything, it opens the door for Belichick to be Belichick and mentally prepare his team for the game that matters. Heck, it wouldn’t surprise me if they lost on purpose… next level strategy.
Seriously though, if you’re a Patriots fan and you think that losing 27-20 in Miami makes it LESS likely that they win next week then you just haven’t been paying attention for the last 17 years.
4. Chris Boswell
Le’Veon Bell amassed 125 yards and scored 3 touchdowns in Sunday night’s win over the Ravens. Antonio Brown caught 11 balls for 213 yards. Ben Roethlisberger became the first QB in NFL history with 3 games of 500+ passing yards.
So obviously they won easily right? Wrong. The Steelers are so distracted by the Patriots that they had to rely on their kicker to win the game in the final seconds FOR THE THIRD STRAIGHT WEEK! 31-28 over the Brett Hundley Packers, 23-20 over Cincy after trailing 17-0, and now 39-38 over Baltimore.
Prediction: Patriots 34 – Steelers 24, Mike Tomlin befuddled.
5. San Diego Chargers
Things are heating up out west! The Bolts won their fourth straight game by trouncing the Redskins 30-13 while the Chiefs managed to halt their losing streak with a win over the Raiders. Each team carries a 7-6 record into Saturday Night’s main event showdown in KC, a game that will likely decide the division.
Side note: You can really tell a lot about your age and where you are in life based on your reaction to the Saturday night NFL games in December. If your reaction is “Damn, I wanted to see that game but it will be tough to watch while I’m out at the club” then you might still be in your 20s. My 33 year-old reaction is “Sweet! Now I have something to do on Saturday night!”
—Wait, sorry… my producer just informed me that if you’re actually cool you don’t go to a club at 8:30 P.M., and you can watch this game and then go out… my bad.
6. Snow!
Easy Michael Irvin, not that kind. I’m talking about that blizzard that the Colts and Bills tried to play in on Sunday. Granted I was only following it via the RedZone channel but from what they showed it looked like a fun game to watch. Neither team could throw the ball consistently or even trudge through the snow to reach the sidelines, so the clock rarely stopped. Punting was hilarious—20 yard ducks that reminded me of pick-up football at recess… Ahh, a simpler time.
7. Chicago Bears, I guess
The Bears went into Cincinnati and dominated on Sunday, scoring a 33-7 victory. Mitch(ell) Trubisky played well and the future looks bright in Chicago! Not as bright as it would look if they had lost though. Instead of drafting in the 3rd-5th pick range they are now looking at the ~8th pick, or worse if they keep winning. Some teams just can’t do anything right.
8. Aaron Rodgers
The Packers’ overtime victory in Cleveland improved their record to 7-6 and kept them in playoff contention. That opened the door for Tuesday’s night’s announcement… AARON RODGERS IS BACK! The star QB will forgo his family holiday plans (he had none) and attempt to run the table yet again. Big week for Green Bay, and an even bigger week for the fantasy football nerds who stashed him on their bench for their Week 15 playoff game.
9. Jimmy Garoppolo
Another start and another win for Handsome Jimmy. The dashing QB remains undefeated after throwing for 334 yards in Houston. The 49ers are another team that keeps dropping back in the 2018 draft, but thanks to Garoppolo the future in San Fran appears to be as bright as his smile.
Some people actually say that we look alike. I don’t see it, but people are definitely saying that.
10. Scott Hanson
Can’t end the week without a quick hat tip to the legend Scott Hanson. All good things must come to an end.
Also Receiving Votes: Ron Artest, Josh Gordon, Jay Cutler, Neon Deion Jones, Cam Newton’s Hat Guy, Bitcoin, Baker Mayfield, Army, My Bookie and Roger Goodell.
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