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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes or analysis that might offend you or your football team, and for the bad photoshopping. Welcome to Week 14.
1. The New York Football Giants
In lieu of a silly MS Paint picture, you should just watch how much faster Odell Beckham is than the entire Dallas defense. In a game that ended up being an epic defensive battle, that play was the difference, as the Giants complete the season sweep of the Cowboys. They’re now 9-4 and looked poised for the top wild card spot, but how did they do it? Apparently Coach Ben McAdoo pumped the team up with that clip of the dude punching a kangaroo. Whatever works mate.
2. Olivia Munn
If we’re going to praise Jordan and the estranged Rodgers family when the Packers go on a losing streak, we need to shift focus back to Aaron’s main squeeze when they’re rolling. Olivia’s boyfriend has Green Bay back in playoff contention after Sunday’s 38-10 thrashing of Seattle. Munn looks to continue to prove that she isn’t a curse as the Packers travel to Chicago next week for a must-win game against the Bears.
3. Patriots Mystery Wide Receivers
Rob Grownkowski is likely out for the year, but that didn’t stop the Patriots from hanging 30 on the best defense in the NFL*. Brady’s Bunch hosted the Ravens on Monday night, and despite not having all of their weapons, they were able to do Patriot-type things. TB12 spread the ball around, feeding not-quite-household names like James White (81 yards), Malcolm Mitchell (41 yards + TD), and Chris Hogan (129 yards + TD). In all, Brady threw for 406 yards in a game that was only close because of a pair of special teams miscues. The win improves New England to 11-2, as they control their own destiny for home field in the AFC.
* Baltimore led the league in fewest yards allowed coming into the game, but according to my eyes they are decidedly not the best defense in the NFL.
4. Le’Veon Bell
HAVE A DAY LE’VEON! The Steelers running back posted the most impressive individual performance of the season in Buffalo, delighting fantasy football owners everywhere. Bell turned Orchard Park into his own winter wonderland, tallying 236 yards on the ground, another 62 receiving, and scoring 3 touchdowns. For all you nerds out there that means ~48 points in standard scoring leagues, just in time for the playoffs.
5. Cam Newton’s Fashion
Not Cam Newton’s record (5-8, last place), or his completion percentage (53.5%, 37th out of 37 QBs who have thrown 75+ times), neither of those are impressive. But his fashion is certainly distracting if nothing else.
6. Quarterdak Controversy
It took a matter of minutes after the Cowboys’ first loss in a dozen games for the Romosexuals to come out of the woodwork calling for a QB change in Dallas. Jason Garrett insists that Prescott will continue to start, as he should, but it will certainly get interesting in Jerry World if Dak has another sub-par performance.
7. The Houston Texans’ 1st Round Opponent
For the Texans to win the AFC South, they will likely need to win in Tennessee on Week 17. If that happens they will likely open the playoffs against the top wild card team, likely the Chiefs or Raiders. I will likely bet every dollar I have and some that I don’t against Brock Osweiler in this game. Gambling opportunities like this don’t come along very often, you must seize the day, and the spread.
8. Johnny Manziel
I never thought I would be saying this in Week 14 of the NFL season, but Johnny F*cking Football had a great weekend. First and foremost, he is still alive, so he has that going for him. Then, he shows up at the Heisman Trophy presentation, just one of the guys, and gave some advice to the newest member of the club (live look at Lamar Jackson’s family, friends, coaches, and NFL scouts). Finally, RGIII showed that playing quarterback for the Browns is really tough, and maybe JFF wasn’t all that bad of an option. When you’ve hit rock bottom, these are the takeaways you need to look for. A job well done, Johnny.
9. Jeff Fisher
We can’t let the week conclude and not pour one out for Jeff “I’m not going fucking 7-9” Fisher. Unfortunately for the veteran coach, he was fired 3 games (and 3 wins) away from his typical record. After a hot start, the Hollywood Showtime Rams have slowed considerably. Their only win since Week 4 was a 9-6 shootout over the Jets, and obviously L.A. football fans deserve better. Goodnight sweet prince.
10. The Christmas Season
ICYMI: The Prompt NFL Power Rankings staffs delivered probably the dumbest piece in site history. Or maybe the most brilliant? Nope… definitely the dumbest… but it’s a smile: CHECK IT OUT.
Also Receiving Votes: The Falcons Over, Pacman Jones Prop Comedy Hour, The Elements, The Manning Face, Jeff Fisher’s Agent, playing against Dez Bryant in your fantasy football playoff game, and the Steelers ball deflation scandal (just kidding, nothing to see here folks).
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