Prompt Images
Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. Karma
Let us begin this week by addressing the obvious: Monday night’s game was brutal. I (obviously) love football, and for the most part I defend the players’ rights to make millions of dollars in exchange for a little CTE. But the Bengals and Steelers elevated the violence to a frightening level. Cheap shot after cheap shot, the penalty yards (and inevitable fines) kept adding up. Guys are being taken off in stretchers, and by the time that Cincy safety launched himself at Antonio Brown on the tying touchdown I was feeling a little gross about myself. It was the kind of game that makes you check your Comcast settings for a “Clear Recent History” option.
…with that being said, I couldn’t help but enjoy a few of the injuries. Specifically the hits that knocked Joe Mixon and Vontaze Burfict out of the game. As a good Christian, you are not supposed to wish ill will on any of God’s souls, but fortunately I am an agnostic heathen and I love to see people get whats coming to them.
Don’t forget, this is who Joe Mixon is…
…so seeing him on the receiving end of a concussion was a nice change of pace. As for Burfict, take your pick:
Will Juju Smith-Schuster be suspended for taking him out? Yes. Will this be everyone’s reaction?
Yes.
2. Seattle Seahawks
The Wentz Wagon was hijacked on Sunday night as the Seahawks flexed their muscles and reminded people that Seattle is still the toughest place to play in the NFL. Philly was probably due for a loss, but it doesn’t help the Super Bowl vibe in the City of Brotherly Love. The Vikings own the “winning percentage in common games” tiebreaker over the Eagles, so the birds no longer control their own destiny for home field. Things don’t get much easier as they head to L.A. for the first ever Goff-Wentz Bowl to retroactively determine the best 2016 draft pick.
3. New Orleans Saints
Drew Brees is like the old guy who had been manually cutting his grass for years and just recently got a riding lawn mower. The Saints’ two-headed running back monster of Mark Ingram and Alvin Kamara continued to dominate in a decisive win over the division rival Panthers. Ingram notched 122 yards and a TD while Kamara pretty much locked up the OROY award with 126 yards and 2 TDs of his own.
4. San Diego Chargers
Well that was fast. “L.A.” won their third in a row to improve to 6-6 while the Chiefs lost their fourth straight to drop to 6-6. The Raiders are also 6-6 making the the division very difficult to figure out. Thankfully I have taken the time to put everything in graphical terms for all you analytics geeks out there:
5. Vikings Defense
You can argue about Brady vs. Wilson vs. Wentz all you want, but the real MVP this year is Minnesota’s defensive unit. These guys are the absolute real deal. This week they went down to Atlanta and kept the Falcons out of the end zone en route to a 14-9 victory. The last time the Falcons failed to score a touchdown Sean McVay was in his twenties. The Vikings are now 10-2 and the #1 seed in the NFC with Case Keenum as their quarterback. You read that correctly.
6. Bill Belichick
The Patriots went into Buffalo and beat the Bills 23-3 on Sunday. There is absolutely nothing exciting or surprising about that sentence, as New England’s reign over the rest of the AFC East is not in question. What separates Belichick and the Pats from other dominant teams is their ability to win games they aren’t even playing in, while they simply focus on the task at hand. As the Steelers struggle in Cincinnati you just know that Tomlin is still thinking ahead to his Week 15 Super Bowl while Bill is focusing on Miami.
Granted I did this picture when the Steelers were losing 17-0 last night and now it doesn’t work quite as well, but whatever.
7. Eli Manning
The youngest son of Elisha Archibald Manning III had a bittersweet day on Sunday. His consecutive game streak was snapped, but in the process he was able to watch Geno Smith do what he does best: play so poorly that whoever decided to start him gets fired.
McAdoo should never have gotten the slick new haircut. That’s Coaching 101.
8. Aaron Rodgers
(Not Pictured: Aaron)
The Packers beat the Buccaneers in an overtime game at Lambeau. It may have felt like a meaningless game to the viewing public, but in reality the victory was very special for Rodgers. The win meant that Green Bay is still in wild card contention. It means that they will be 7-6 if they can beat the mighty Browns of Cleveland, after which AR-12 is eligible to return from the injured reserve list.
And what does all that mean? It means that Aaron can spend the holiday season playing football instead of sitting on the couch and not being part of his family. Seriously, this is his living room:
And this is his car:
He needs football. He doesn’t have anything else.
9. Greg Zuerlein Fantasy Owners
It is very rare that a kicker would ever be the MVP of fantasy football, but this might be the year. Greg The Leg is putting up some absolutely ridiculous numbers. His ~167 nerd points are more than any other non-QB not named Todd Gurley, Alvin Kamara, Le’Veon Bell, or Antonio Brown. Kind of puts the absurdity of the entire hobby into perspective doesn’t it?
10 (Tie). Tennessee Titans & Jacksonville Jaguars
If a division race happens in a forest and nobody is around to care about it, does it make a sound?
Also Receiving Votes: Jimmy Garoppolo, Jimmy Sexton, JJ Watt, Tiger Woods and the Cleveland Browns
RELATED
