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The Prompt NFL Power Rankings – Week 13: GOAT Shit

December 9, 2021

Sports

These are The Prompt’s own biweekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

1. Those Motherfucking New England Patriots

I’m going to be honest with you, I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know how to write about this team anymore. Not just the 2021 Patriots, the Patriots in general. As soon as it appears safe to reflect on the dynasty, they create more chapters. And make no mistake about it, what transpired on Monday night was another chapter in the folklore of the Belichick Patriots.

The Pats marched into Buffalo to face a Bills team that was supposed to win the AFC East with ease. They marched out with a 14-10 victory in a game where their quarterback threw the ball only three times for 19 yards. They ran the ball at will, played great defense, and showed a level of mental toughness that this Bills team with never come close to possessing.

And with that, the road to the Super Bowl ONCE AGAIN goes through Foxboro, Massachusetts.

2. That Motherfucker Tom Brady

While his old team was busy reestablishing themselves as AFC kings, the GOAT was over in the NFC throwing for 368 yards and four touchdowns. His performance in Atlanta solidified himself as the MVP front-runner at 44 years old.

I’m not going to say it, but you’re all thinking it.

Okay, I’m going to say it. We’re going to see a Brady vs. Belichick Super Bowl, aren’t we?

3. The Lions!

“I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.” — Lloyd Bensten to Dan Quayle

Well, I have watched winless teams. I know winless teams. I have bet against winless teams. Detroit, you’re no winless team!

I have been saying it all year, as much as Jared Goff and the Lions suck, they weren’t an 0-16-1 team. They just weren’t. Don’t get me wrong, they’re bad. They’re a 2-14-1 kinda bad. But they’re not that bad.

4. The Race to the Playoffs

We’re over a week into December and the NFL playoff picture is still a bit chaotic. The AFC race is especially cluttered, as 12 teams have a record of .500 or better. That dozen includes the entire North and West divisions, which is absurd this late into the year. That dozen does NOT include the Dolphins, a team on a five-game winning streak that could realistically run the table and make the tournament despite a 1-7 start.

The NFC isn’t as crazy, with the Bucs, Cowboys, and Cardinals all holding two-game division leads while the Packers have basically wrapped up the North. Instead the intrigue comes with the final wild card spots, where a sub-.500 team could easily make the playoffs. The seven-loss Eagles, Vikings, Saints, Panthers, and even the fucking Falcons are all a game back of a playoff berth. Wild indeed.

5. John Harbaugh’s Balls

The Ravens scored a late touchdown to bring them within 1 point of the Steelers, and it was decision time for Baltimore’s coach. Kick the extra point like a pussy? Or go for 2 like a boss?

He went for it. It cost them the game, but my god look at the size of those things!

6. Minshew Mania

BAH GAWD THAT’S GARDNER MINSHEW’S MUSIC!!!

When it was announced that Jalen Hurts’ ankle injury would keep him out of Sunday’s game, I can’t help but think that Eagles’ fans got a little excited. Hurts has been a great fantasy quarterback this year, but a mediocre real one. His biggest issue is that he can’t really throw the ball that well, and at this level the quarterbacks are expected to be able to throw.

Enter Gardner Minshew, the league’s most electric back-up. The Mississippi Mullet stepped in and started slinging, completing 20 of 25 passes for 242 yards and a couple touchdowns. Philly now has a bye week to decide if they should go back to a hurt Hurts or keep on driving down Sexy Avenue.

7. COVID

Assuming you’re a Cowboys fan and the virus keeps Mike McCarthy from coaching.

8. Kyler Murray Fantasy Owners

After a month-long hiatus from real football the Cardinals QB finally returned to the field and the fantasy dork lineups. Murray wasted no time reminder owners why they drafted him, passing for a couple touchdowns and rushing for a couple more. It was his first 30+ point game since Week 2, just in time to get you dorks into your dork playoffs.