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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. New England Patriots
It’s Thanksgiving week here in America, which means most Americans will observe a few special traditions. First, get together with family and/or friends. Second, eat a gluttonous amount of food and get maybe a bit too drunk. Third, we watch a few terrible football games while discussing how the Patriots are definitely going to the Super Bowl again.
Down in Mexico they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, but thanks to some convenient scheduling by the always-friendly league office, their soccer fans got a glimpse of tradition #3. Brady, Belichick & Co absolutely destroyed Los Raiders in every phase of the game. They haven’t lost since October 1st, control their own destiny for the #1 seed (again), and play 5 of their final 6 games against AFC East opponents. The Jets, Dolphins, and Bills are a combined 2-10 over their last 4 games each.
P.S. – TB12 leads the league with 3,146 passing yards and a 110.9 passer rating, while throwing 22 TDs and only 2 picks, even with his favorite receiver out for the year. He won’t win the MVP award, but just wanted to remind you of how silly that is.
2. Philadelphia Eagles
Sunday November 19th @ Dallas was supposed to be the big test for the NFC’s best. Then Zeke Elliott’s suspension kicked in, the Cowboys suffered a few costly injuries, and the Wentz Wagon steamrolled Jerry’s Kids in a 37-9 blowout. Philly has a couple more tests coming up (12/3 @ Seahawks, 12/10 @ Rams) but it appears that their destination is the top seed in the NFC.
3. Minnesota Vikings
The next impressive NFC win on Sunday went down in Twintown. The hot L.A. Rams, with their young head coach and sexy team, went up north and got slaughtered. Case Keenum is (somehow) 7-2 as a starter and rocking a 93.7 QB rating. The Vikings have the fifth ranked defense AND the fifth ranked offense in the league. I’m not sure that they’re destined for the Super Bowl, but if they make it, they will be the first team in NFL history to play the big game in their home stadium.
While this isn’t necessarily “end scene” for the Rams, you have to question Sean McVay’s youth and inexperience. He wasn’t even born when Ronald Reagan first made that joke.
4. New Orleans Saints
DON’T CALL IT A COMEBACK! I’ve been here for years, rocking my peers and putting suckas in fear!
The other 8-2 team in the NFC won in style on Sunday, as the Saints made a furious comeback to knock out the Redskins. Down 31-16 with less than 6 minutes left, Drew Brees led a couple scoring drives that sent the game to overtime, where they would win by a field goal. The running backs were dominant again (155 total yards for Mark Ingram, 116 for Alvin Kamara), and New Orleans looks like a real contender. Next week they will try to make it big in Hollywood.
5. Tyrod Taylor
If the season had ended on Sunday morning the Buffalo Bills would have been a playoff team. So naturally their brilliant head coach Sean McDermott decided that the best move would be to bench their Pro Bowl quarterback in favor of this guy:
And what did N. Peterman do? He threw five (Count em, FIVE!) interceptions against the Chargers. “Wow, five interceptions in one game?” NO NO NO, IN THE FIRST HALF! It was one of the worst performances by a quarterback in the history of this silly game. Taylor was a professional about the whole ordeal, took over in the second half and threw for zero interceptions, and will likely start for the rest of the season. Nathan Peterman may never be heard from again.
6. San Diego Chargers
I refuse to call them the L.A. Chargers for a simple reason:
It doesn’t matter where they play though, the Chargers do not look like a team that plans to go quietly into the night. After an 0-4 start that included some heartbreaking losses they have won 4 of 6 and are back in the playoff hunt. They lost in New England in a game that came down to the final play, and in Jacksonville in overtime. Almost every one of their games is close. I predict an 8-8 record and a (gulp) playoff berth.
The Chiefs, on the other hand, are going in the other direction. The league’s last undefeated team has lost four of its last five games, a streak of poor play culminating in Sunday’s 12-9 loss to the Giants. The same Giants that quit on their coach a month ago and are just going through the motions at this point. September 7th feels like it was 25 years ago.
7. Aaron Rodgers
So I guess it turns out that this guy was good, huh? The Packers are 1-4 since the infamous collarbone injury, and the QB play has all 370,000+ owners quite concerned. Brett Hundley threw 0 TDs and 3 INTs in Sunday’s 23-0 loss at home to the Ravens, and has a QB rating of 63.3. That would be the worst rating in the league if not for DeShone Kizer.
It’s even worse for fantasy football dorks who are now benching Jordy Nelson. It turns out that the little white wide receivers are way better with a hall of famer throwing to them…
…than without:
8. The Guy In Your Survivor Pool Who Picks Against The Browns Every Week
As long as this asshole was able to find a winner during Cleveland’s Week 9 bye he has probably already won the contest. Not much to be said for his originality, but you can’t knock the strategy:
9. Mediocrity
I can’t let the week pass without noting some incredibly mediocre teams. The Ravens and Titans are both currently in the AFC playoff picture, while the Lions are 7th in the NFC. Raise your hand if you remember any of these teams winning an impressive game this year. The Lions beat the Vikings in Week 4… the Titans beat the Ravens… and the Ravens haven’t beaten anybody. I look forward to betting against these schmoes in the playoffs.
10. Ocean Spray Jellied Cranberry Sauce
You know what isn’t mediocre? The GOAT of Thanksgiving complementary* sides (*Different category than Mashed Potatoes or Stuffing. I just want to make that clear). There are bunch of different ways to serve cranberry sauce and all but one of them are incorrect. It has to be out of a can, that can has to say Ocean Spray, and it needs to be Jellied. Don’t come at me with that pompous “Whole Berry” nonsense, and please do not show up with some homemade Pinterest garbage. It takes balls that you don’t have to futz around in their kitchen and make a cranberry sauce better than the OG. Please don’t try. And if you’re one of the people who gets grossed out by the shape of sliced sauce I have a little trick for you: mix it up with your fork, nerd.
Also Receiving Votes: My Bookie, Colin Kaepernick, Brandin Cooks, and Every Quarterback Who Ever Played Before and After Nathan Peterman.
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