The Prompt NFL Power Rankings: Week 10

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes or analysis that might offend you or your football team, and for the bad photoshopping.

1. Seattle Seahawks

A New England football fan might tell you that a regular season non-conference loss isn’t as important as a blowing a Super Bowl, but Seattle fans should ignore that hogwash. The Seahawks evened the score with the villainous Patriots on Sunday night by turning the tables on Brady & Co., this time as the ones stuffing their opponents on the goal line to end the game. The Pats did everything they could to lose the contest (multiple turnovers, bad penalties, non-existent defense), but somehow Pete Carroll was still determined to blow it at the end. A ludicrous decision to go for a 2-point conversion up 7 points gave TB12 a chance to drive down to tie or possibly win the game, but no matter how hard Pete tried he wasn’t able to give another one away. The defeat drops New England to the #1 seed in the AFC as Seattle moves up to #2 in the NFC, potentially setting the stage for an XLIX rematch.

2. Dak Attack, Zeke the Freak, and Tony Romo’s Handicap

Dallas’s dynamic rookie duo continued to be the top story of the 2016 season as they marched into Pittsburgh for a highly anticipated match-up with the Steelers. The game featured a whopping seven lead changes, but thanks to a pair of 4th quarter rushing TDs from Elliott, the ‘Boys won their 8th straight. Dak threw for 319 yards and a pair of TDs, one on an 83-yard screen to Zeke, cementing himself as the starting quarterback (for now).

First a trivia question, then a prediction…

Q: What do the Rams, Ravens, Bucs, Colts & Saints all have in common?
A: They have all won a Super Bowl more recently than the Cowboys.

Prediction: Jerry Jones will absolutely fuck this up.

3. Hook & Ladder!

Let me start by saying that the New York Jets are absolute G-A-R-B-A-G-E. They played the Rams this week, but if you were watching the RedZone channel you wouldn’t have known that this game was on if it weren’t for a single play: THE HOOK & LADDER!!! I have been a sucker for the play ever since Paul Walker (RIP in Peace) called it at the end of Varsity Blues. I still remember where I was when Boise State pulled it off in ’07 against OU (at a bar, I think). In typical Jets fashion they missed the extra point and went on to lose 9-6, but you can’t take that play away from them!

4. Kansas City Chiefs

As Carolina led Kansas City 17-0 late in the 2nd quarter on Sunday, I prepared my jokes for their inevitable post-game press conference. Cam had already brought the dab out of retirement after his touchdown run, and I couldn’t wait for the soon-to-be 4-5 Panthers to start squawking about how disrespected they are. Instead the Chiefs shut them out in the 2nd half, scored 20 straight points without an offensive touchdown (4 field goals and an Eric Berry pick-6) and dropped the defending NFC champs to 3-6.

HOWEVER, we can’t forget that this Carolina team made the playoffs back in 2014 with a losing record (7-8-1), and both the Saints and Falcons lost tough games this week. If you were to place the bet today you could get +1000 (10-to-1) odds on the Panthers to win the NFC South. I’m not saying its a smart bet, but at the same time, I am.

5. Detroit Lions

Have a bye week fellas! The Lions were able to chill out this weekend and still climb into 1st place, thanks to the Vikings’ 4th straight loss and the Packers’ pathetic excuse for a defense. Minnesota could only muster 47 yards on the ground and fell to the Redskins despite solid performances from Sam Bradford and Stefon Diggs (307 passing yards and 164 receiving yards). Green Bay gave up 35 first-half points to the Titans and were out of sorts on offense all day. As the rest of the NFC North is in decline, Matt Stafford’s crew looks to build on their current 1-game winning streak as they host the Jaguars Week 11.

6. The Wentz Wagon

All-aboard (again)!!! I have absolutely no clue what to make of the 2016 Philadelphia Eagles, but I have this graphic so any time they win you’re getting the wagon. The Iggles took down Atlanta thanks to 139 yards and a pair of touchdowns from Ryan Mathews. Carson Wentz’s outing was less eventful, with 231 passing yards and zero TDs or INTs, the Oregon Trail equivilant to a hunting trip with just squirrels.

7. Extra Points

When the NFL moved the Point After Touchdown from the 5 to the 15 yard line before last season it seemed like a small adjustment. The equivalent of a 32-yard field goal should still be automatic for a professional kicker, especially when they can constantly practice from this set distance, right? Wrong! The extra point has gone from a given to an adventure, and Week 10 featured a record SIX missed PATs. Some critics want to get rid of kicking all together, but I prefer the chaos. If you haven’t lost the last leg of a 3-team parlay with a -6.5 spread on a shanked chip shot then you haven’t lived!

8. White Shoes

Of all the missed extra points the most dramatic went down in New Orleans. Down 6 with under 2:00 in the game, Drew Brees marched the Saints down the field for the game-tying touchdown. When lining up for the PAT to go up 1, things got weird. And since special-teamers don’t matter as humans, I’ll just use numbers: #93 appears to hold the long snapper down to allow #31 to jump over the line and block the kick, then #34 scoops the ball up and runs alongside (/on) the sideline and returns it for 2 points to win the game.

Obviously it looks like #34 stepped out of bounds at least once, but thanks to his fancy footwear there was no “indisputable visual evidence” to overturn the call. Let me just say this: If Bill Belichick won a game thanks to a player’s shoes camouflaging with the sidelines he would be fined $500,000 and the player would be suspended indefinitely.

9. The Manning Dalton Face

Here I was, ready to hit “publish” on a post with a paragraph dedicated to the resurrection of the (Eli) Manning Face, when the Red Rocket stepped up and threw a 4th quarter interception of his own. The Giants have now won 4 straight and are in firm control of a wild card spot, while the Bengals drop to 3-5-1, making it very difficult to rip on the G-Men here. So what did I do? I adjusted. Throw me a curve ball and I’ll drive it opposite field. Hey Andy Dalton, your face sucks! Boom, roasted.

10. The NFL

In a bizarre turn of events, there were actually good games this week! The NFL’s on-field product has been pretty weak (absolute shit) all season, but thanks to an exciting late afternoon game between the Cowboys and Steelers, and then a Sunday Night Football match up that drew 22.5 million viewers, I think it’s safe to say that the League is back baby! Maybe the low ratings were in fact due to the presidential election, OR maybe there are only half a dozen good teams and 4 of them played each other this week…either/or…it was a good week for the Fuhrer.

Also Receiving Votes: Westworld.