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These are The Prompt’s own biweekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. The Old Guys
The two frontrunners for the 2021 NFL MVP award are a combined 82 years old.
Let that sink in for a minute. Either the 38-year-old Aaron Rodgers or the 44-year-old Tom Brady will be winning their 4th MVP after leading their teams to the No. 1 and No. 2 seeds in the NFC.
Rodgers is favored to take home the hardware after throwing for over 4,000 yards and tallying 37 touchdowns with only 4 interceptions. Here is where I would make a joke about him being on steroids, but we all know that Aaron doesn’t like to get shots. Or talk to his family.
Brady, on the other hand, loves his family, and probably takes steroids. Of course I’m kidding (wink emoji) but how else do you explain that he is currently preparing for his 46th career playoff game!?! That’s more than an entire Manningcast combined! That’s more than 25 franchises have played in their entire history! The Raiders—a relatively successful organization from a historical perspective—is currently preparing for their 45th playoff game.
2. People Who Don’t Play Fantasy Football
Every year when the season ends, I like to reflect on the absolutely moronic waste of time that is fantasy football. We all do it, we tell ourselves that it’s fun, but then we inevitably regret dedicating a portion of our lives to this pointless hobby.
You do the research, you draft great players, and you’re excited to dominate your league! Flash forward 17 weeks, half your team is injured, and the championship is won by the idiot who happened to pick up Rashaad Penny and Amon-Ra St. Brown.
Will I sign up again in August? Of course. Will I write this exact same thing next January? You bet.
3. CTE
This is my 10th edition of the Power Rankings this season, and I have done 80 or so in total over the past six years. I’m guessing that by now you have realized that I am not a brain surgeon. So I am unqualified to guess as to what neurological condition Antonio Brown might be suffering from.
I am a football fan though, so this is my best guess:
4. Ben Roethlisberger’s Retirement Tour
When Big Ben suited up for the Week 18 finale in Baltimore, he was sure that it would be the last game of his career. A few hours later, the Steelers were back in the playoff picture thanks to an overtime victory over the Ravens and a pants-pooping by the Colts in Jacksonville.
Part of me thinks Ben was secretly hoping that Sunday night’s thriller ended in a tie so he could just be done. There is no better feeling in the world than when plans for something you didn’t want to do get canceled. Oh well, one more ass-kicking in Kansas City before Roethlisberger can finally let himself go and put on those few extra pounds that he has deftly avoided for the past two decades.
5. Head Coaching Candidates
While our country suffers a labor shortage, the NFL has also become a hot job market. At least eight teams are currently interviewing or evaluating potential head coaches. They’re asking candidates questions about their offensive and defensive strategy, draft philosophy, and whether or not they’ve ever been caught on camera finger-banging a girl at an Ohio sports bar.
6. Mike Vrabel’s Mustache
The odds-on favorite for Coach of the Year overcame countless injuries and still managed to lead the Titans to the AFC’s No. 1 seed. It looks like Derrick Henry should be able to rejoin the team in time for their Divisional round game, so a surprise Super Bowl appearance is not out of the question. It makes you wonder about the power of the ‘stache.
Last year Vrabel joked that he would cut off his penis to win the Super Bowl. Sounds extreme to me, but if he goes through with it, I think the least we can do is give him the Coach of the Year award.
7. The Future of Professional Football in New York
Good news for Jets and Giants fans: There is nowhere to go but up!
8. Cooper Kupp
The Rams wide receiver finished the season with 145 catches for 1,947 yards and 16 touchdowns. He lead the league in all three categories, making him the first to win the receiving “triple crown” since 2005.
Fun Fact: I drafted his teammate Robert Woods on my fantasy team because I thought they would be equally as productive!
9. Jon Gruden
Say what you will about the guy, but he built a playoff team. Knock on wood if you’re with me.
10. My Bookie
I’ll be honest, this guy had a pretty good year. I landed some punches around Thanksgiving but otherwise he won the match by unanimous decision. My bookie made one critical error though: He didn’t knock me out. He couldn’t finish me. I got back off the mat, and I’m ready for more. I have one more punch left to throw. One more bullet in the chamber. One last gasp effort to reclaim my dignity (not to mention my checking account). I have one last card up my sleeve, and it’s a WILD CARD…
I am proud to introduce the can’t-miss, one-time-and-one-time-only 11-1 odds HAIL MARY PLAYOFF PARLAY:
Bengals -5.5 vs. Raiders
Patriots/Bills under 44.5
Eagles +8.5 @ Bucs
Chiefs moneyline vs. Steelers
Rams moneyline vs. Cardinals
Also Receiving Votes: John Harbaugh’s Balls
That’s it for me, stay safe out there…
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