The Laziest Writer™ v. AI: {EMAIL GREETING} Edition

Ah, January, the Monday of the new year. When all the circlebacks of the “let’s circle back after the holidays” are circling back. Please, for the love of teen tech prodigy V.A. Shiva Ayyadurai, can we leave “I hope this email finds you doing well” in the past? AI and I have a few fresh suggestions.

Jillian’s Version

Hey so I was wondering… Are you a “new year new me” or “time is a social construct” kinda vibe? Trying to figure out how to word this greeting.

I think it’s obvious that I have only well wishes for you, so let me jump right in:

I hope this email finds you. Seriously, I tried several of your colleagues and all my messages bounced back.

Is this thing on?

llǝʍ ɓuıop noʎ spuıɟ lıɐɯǝ sıɥʇ ǝdoɥ I

While the sentiment is true, did you know “I hope this email finds you well” is incorrect, grammatically speaking? What’s that? Grammar is a tool of the oppressors? Well on that note,

My master is the great rich Capulet; and if you be not of the house of Montagues, I pray, come and crush a cup of wine. Rest you merry!

Espero que este correo electrónico te encuentre bien.

Now that Mercury is out of retrograde, I know this email finds you doing well.

AI Version

I hope you’re having a great day.

How are you?

I hope all is well with you.

I trust this email finds you in good spirits.

How’s everything going?

I hope this message finds you in good health.

I hope you’re having a good week.

I hope things are going well for you.

Wishing you all the best.

Greetings and good wishes.

For more from The Laziest Writer™ v. AI series, Jillian and ChatGPT try their vestiges at poetry.