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Throughout the past 25 years (yes, I am only 24 years old right now, but this goes back to my OG days in the womb), I’ve had a beef with The Oscars and Taco Bell.
Now, when I say “beef,” I mean two very different things. For The Oscars, I’m using the slang definition of “beef.” As in, I’ve had beef—a real problem—with The Oscars for a long time. For Taco Bell, I’m using the literal definition of “beef.” As in, I’ve eaten a lot of beef from Taco Bell throughout my lifetime.
My Beef with Taco Bell
Taco Bell and I have had a healthy relationship for decades. We’re like old college fraternity buddies who only see each other at the occasional reunion and mostly stay in touch by emailing funny/inappropriate YouTube videos once a month. We may not see each other quite as often as we’d like, but when we do find the time, it’s always a blast.
… a Baja Blast!
Taco Bell’s food is inarguably delicious—don’t even try to debate that cold hard fact. When people hate on Taco Bell, it’s not because they don’t think the Crunch Wrap Supreme doesn’t taste good. No, it’s because the “salad” option on their menu contains 60 percent of the fat, 56 percent of the sodium, and 39 percent of the calories you’re “supposed” to have in a day. That’s unhealthy, I guess, but so is crystal meth. Personally, I like to follow Nancy Reagan’s advice and Just Say No to both meth AND salads. So what if I’d rather have a Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco than some stupid organic kale shake?
(Technically, you are. BUT I DARE YOU TO SAY IT TO MY FACE!)
My Beef with The Oscars
I’ve always kind’ve disliked The Oscars, but not for any of the obvious reasons, like when they mess up the results for Best Picture.
I don’t care that it’s essentially the entertainment industry patting itself on the back by holding an award ceremony for itself. Hell, the last article I wrote was about how my ultimate fantasy is to hold an award ceremony for people named Jack O’Shea.
I don’t care that it’s turned into a glorified podium for super rich and famous celebrities to share their political beliefs in front of a theater full of their same-thinking peers, who then applaud each other for being “brave” enough to share their popular opinions. I do the exact same thing every week by writing an article on this very website for my own same-thinking peers to read.
Man, Leo really took a risk by talking about climate change!
What truly bugs me about The Oscars is the movies they choose to nominate EVERY SINGLE YEAR. We go to our friend’s houses for Oscar watching parties—which are essentially Super Bowl parties with less yelling and more chardonnay—and watch the entertainment industry celebrate a bunch of movies almost none of us has seen, or even WANTS to see. Hell, I actually work in the entertainment industry, and I only saw two of the nine movies nominated for Best Picture this year.
Not just this year, but historically, the nominees for Best Picture are movies about death, disease, depression, divorce, and a bunch of other sad topics that start with the letter “d.” They’re shot in black and white, or without dialogue, or over a period of 10 years, which apparently qualifies them as “high art.” They’re three-hour-long movies with sad endings that you either watch because nothing else is on, or you want to feel good about yourself.
Side note: This is obviously a grand generalization. Mad Max: Fury Road was nominated last year and the movie was fucking awesome. But you get my point…
Why I’m Disappointed with Taco Bell
Every year or two, Taco Bell unveils a new item on their menu that completely changes the fast food game.
Case in point.
On January 26th, 2017 the scientific masterminds at TB mercifully gave us the Chicken Shelled Chalupa. At first glance, it appears to be just like any other chalupa, EXCEPT IT’S NOT. Instead of using a deep-fried tortilla to engulf all of the cheddar cheese and avocado-ranch goodness, they use deep-fried chicken.
Wait… what?
That’s right! They did it again! They single-handedly changed my diet for the last month as I opted to replace my breakfast, lunch, and dinner, with Chicken Shelled Chalupa, Chicken Shelled Chalupa, and Chicken Shelled Chalupa. I quickly came to the conclusion that future humans will replace the idiom, “it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread,” with “it’s the greatest thing since the Chicken Shelled Chalupa.” But then…
They took it away…. without even giving a reason…
I’m pretty sure Bin Laden had something to do with this.
Taco Bell gave us a taste of the future, a taste of heaven. And then they just slapped us back to earth like some barefoot one night stand with smeared eyeliner and high heels in our hand.
So, for the first time in my life, I’m truly disappointed in Taco Bell. I can’t be mad. How could I be mad? We’ve had such great memories over the years. But, for you to betray me like this. Let’s just say we shan’t be talking for some time.
Why I’m Disappointed with The Oscars
I’m disappointed with The Oscars for the same reason that I’ve always been disappointed with The Oscars—their Best Picture nominees simply aren’t the best pictures of the year!
Judging by domestic box office numbers alone, if you took a census of everyone’s favorite movie of the year, the top ten most voted for would probably be:
Yet not a single one of these movies are nominated for Best Picture. If you asked someone at The Academy why none of these movies got a nod, they’d probably give you a long drawn out answer, and they might actually convince you. But we all know that the real reason these movies were snubbed is because they’re simply too popular. They’re just too mainstream.
Well, guess what, they’re popular and mainstream for a reason. None of the other big award shows hold themselves to the self-righteous standard of The Oscars: Hamilton won the Tony, Adele won the Grammy, and Game of Thrones won the Emmy.
I’m not mad. I still love the red carpet (shoutout to Michael Potts and @haikerz). I still love the pageantry. I’ll always love the chardonnay. But damn you, the Academy, you never learn, and—just like the cast and crew of La La Land—I’m disappointed.
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