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Americans: we’re an interesting bunch, valuing high fructose corn syrup and irrational confidence in equal measures. The latter has been a double edged sword and an odd source of national pride. It has served us well in athletic competition[1], but also wreaked havoc in our presidential elections.
And some of us take that attitude on vacation, which can cause problems.
A prime example occurred two weeks ago when some Spring Breakers in Cancún, Mexico chanted, “Build that wall!” while likely suffering the effects of difficult midterms, severe sunburn, and cheap tequila. Not that that’s an excuse.
As an American, I can appreciate when our brashness makes us look like the lovable rapscallions we can be. But going to Mexico and chanting “build that wall!” is that same thing as going to Mexico and saying “Go fuck yourself, get out of my country, you foreigner.” And anyone who would say either of those things in Mexico or in the United States deserves to have incurable anal fissures. May their toilet paper forever be red, white, and, for some reason, blue.
For some reason, the rest of world has tolerated and enabled us to varying degrees. To wit, the worst repercussion for our arrogant, knuckle dragging is that French people are rude to us. We’ve been sailing along on our good looks, charm, and ability to cram our culture down other people’s throats. And we aren’t even the best looking or most charming country (hello, Australia). We can’t afford to pull this “build that wall!” bullshit.
The reason the rest of the world put up with our bullshit was because it had a veneer of lacking self-awareness. We were roguish, like Han Solo or Jack Burton. We were loud and brash, but it came with a wink and a smile. Well, that’s gone now, because we elected a social media-addicted, prolapsed asshole as president.
Trump is a loudmouth dumbass who thinks he’s everyone’s coolest friend. He was that kid who bragged about having a Power Wheels. Have fun driving it by yourself in your cul de sac, Travis, because no one wants to hang out with you.
After having elected a demonstrably stupid person who constantly tells everyone else that he would do their job a million times better than they ever could, the rest of the world now knows that we Americans act like braggadocious idiots on purpose—in fact, we value that attitude. We entrust it with the highest office in the land.
Well, if we want to maintain our cushy international travel options, we need to tone it the fuck down. I’m sorry, America. We can’t press our luck anymore.
Honestly, as tourists, we were barely holding it together. We have an obstinate stance on learning other languages (i.e., we don’t). And a lot of us don’t even really care for other cultures. We just want the same shit we already know on a grander scale. That’s why Las Vegas is so popular. If you’ve got a Dave and Buster’s inside of a Red Lobster in a warm climate, that’s exotic enough for most jagoffs from the Chicago suburbs.
A quick sidebar, to bring you along on my journey to spring break enlightenment.
I went on a Spring Break cruise that docked in Cozumel. My friend and I walked around the preapproved tourist area, and it felt like being in Hanna-Barbera cartoon. The same silver store, t-shirt shop, and souvenir store looped behind us for four blocks. When we got off the boat, we were thirsty and stopped by a Burger King for soda. We then walked by a Señor Frogs, and some lady scoffed at us. She said, “Why would you come all the way to Mexico to eat at Burger King.” Bitch! You are at a Señor Frogs! You aren’t eating fucking pozole made by someone’s abuela. Don’t act all high and mighty with your bottomless Nacho-rita.
On the same cruise I heard people ordering “four cervezas.” Only would someone from the land of Zubaz and bolo ties be a big enough dipshit to think that a bartender working in an area that serves exclusively tourists understand “four” but need “beer” translated for him. We’re the fucking worst.
And here’s why it matters. Being a tourist from America is the easiest thing in the world. Learning to say “I’m sorry, do you speak English?” in the native language will usually get you everything you need. If we Americans want to go to another country, a simple passport will usually suffice. Just for kicks, compare the places Americans can go without a visa to the countries that need visas to visit America. Spolier Alert: these lists are not the same.
Perhaps we should take “In God We Trust” off of our money and replace it with “Tough Shit.”
The only places that require Americans to get a travel visa are probably too scary for our tender sensibilities anydamnway. Did you know that Americans need a visa to visit Eritrea? Of course not. The idea of going to Eritrea never crossed your mind, so who gives a shit about a visa to get there. That’s paperwork you’ll never have to do.
But we want to go to Mexico, don’t we? We love the amazing food, warm climate, and sunny beaches. So we pack our passports, hop on the plane, and don’t think twice. But you know who needs a visa to come to the U.S.? People from Cancún. That’s right, Mexicans have to get a passport, apply for a travel visa, bribe a local official, and then hope it gets approved.
But just you wait. Those “build that wall!” cunts down in Cancún are going to ruin Mexico for everyone else.
Because Mexico is getting tired of our bullshit. Vicente Fox, Mexico’s former president, went on Conan with a pair of boots with the words “No Fucking Wall” written on them. Just wait until they require visas for American tourists out of spite. It will be nobody’s fault but our own.
But you know who’s going to be whining about this extra step to their vacation preparation? All the Chads and Beckys from Oklahoma State, going south of the border to get blitzed on Corona, and all the fatasses who keep Carnival Cruises in business.
Do you want to keep going to Cozumel on your cruise? Then you can’t disembark and start telling everyone you see that “It’s gonna be a lot more crowded when we start sending you all back.” Either keep your stupid mouth shut and your head down, or act properly embarrassed by President Unearned Confidence’s shitty wall. Or better yet, don’t bother getting a passport. We don’t need you outside of our own borders giving the rest of us a bad name. Just stay in your lane and give Disneyland your patronage.
[1] I’ve had a Belgian friend and a Mexican brother-in-law both tell me that the only bad part about playing the USA in the World Cup is the stress that comes from playing a team that doesn’t play like a 2 goal deficit is insurmountable. BOOT STRAPS, BABY!
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