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On a chilly early-December evening, World News Daily reporter, Stig Mignonette sat down with legendary gift-giver, friend to elves, reindeer-owner, and misunderstood mythic figure, Santa Claus for an exclusive in-depth interview. Mignonette covers a range of topics primarily centered around a traditional practice in a modern world.
World News Daily: Let’s warm-up with a few rapid-fire questions?
Santa Claus: Sounds delightful.
Best movie interpretation of you?
John Call in “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.”
Actor you wish would portray you?
Marlon Brando circa 1954, Eric Idle, or Samuel L. Jackson.
Wow!
Wow indeed! (With a wink of his eye)
Describe yourself—the real you—in one word, and it can’t be “jolly.”
Holy mama mistletoe! It can’t be “jolly?” Umm… (tapping finger on the table) Dedicated.
Favorite snack, not necessarily one found on Christmas Eve.
Bacon-flavored sunflower seeds. Such a pain to eat with the beard and gloves, but I can’t get enough of them.
Last one. Blackjack: You’ve got 12, and the dealer shows a 4. What do you do?
Everyone says you should never risk busting your hand when the dealer shows a weak card. However, look at the odds. There are four outs that will bust you—a ten or the three face cards—and five that will hit you up to somewhere between 17 and 21. Odds are pretty good the dealer will bust first, so I say live a little and hit, but only once.
Which do you prefer to be called: Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, or simply Santa?
Dealer’s choice, Stig. Everyone seems to have a personal relationship with me, so who am I to dictate?
Then “Santa” it is. Better for brevity and comfort.
Wonderful.
What is likely the biggest misunderstanding about being Santa?
I would really hate to ruin the impression each wonderful citizen of the world has for me. But I’ll spill a little tea, as the kids say. I’m actually quite fit under the red suit. It takes quite a lot of insulation in my clothing to keep me warm up here at the North Pole, as you can verify, am I right?
The other big misconception is that I can consume fourteen billion cookies in one night and still get the job done. Sainthood doesn’t exempt me from dietary restrictions. So, sorry in advance if I don’t eat every single one, boys and girls.
Are there unwritten benefits to sainthood that the layperson may not know?
I don’t have to wait for a table at a restaurant. Parking isn’t a problem, although it’s never really been a problem for me, right? Ho, ho, ho!
When you make your deliveries, do you have a geographical preference? A region that stands out above others?
Careful, Stig. A question like that might land you on the naughty list. Ho, ho! Everyone is quite happy for me to visit them, so I’m pretty much welcome wherever I go. If I’m greeted in the desert or the mountains, the jungle, or a booming metropolis, it’s a happy day.
You’re in the thick of it now. It is early December, the elves are working around the clock. What is your biggest concern?
I have nothing to worry about. This system has existed for eons, with fail safes, contingencies, and backups. We’ve thought through every possibility. Onward to Christmas Eve!
Are there some global citizens who make your job difficult?
The Commercial Drone Society is becoming a slight thorn in my side as of late. I’ve had a fantastic working relationship with the FAA and most national militaries, but those unregulated drones are a menace. Someone thinks they are piloting the Millennium Falcon from their front yard and have to navigate around those robot bugs of the sky. Worst of all, the reindeer usually make first contact. Their hides are pretty thick, but I’d rather not put them through that ordeal.
Strangely enough, you would think the Flat Earth Society would be problematic, but I have a lot of fondness for them. Their “interpretation” of our planet changes a lot of rules. Their floating disc theory eliminates the need for poles. So, according to them, I live in the Arctic. However, I can still get around the planet using their model. They’re not the worst group in the world.
Santa Claus as a flat Earther. Didn’t see that coming.
I wouldn’t go that far. Perhaps—
The world considers you a subject matter expert on the topic. Santa, can you categorically confirm for the global audience right now that the Earth is round or flat?
It’s not up to me to end this debate. The Flat Earthers are a good bunch, and they’re not doing any harm writing their books, making their movies, desk calendars, and whatnot. Let them have their fun.
So the Earth is…
Still turning.
And is shaped…
Correct. Next?
Has the recent trend of normalizing gender changes after birth and willy-nilly transgender acceptance added any complications to your work?
What on Earth do you mean?
Let’s say you’re about to deliver a doll to a girl who last year identified as a boy, or a football to a boy who now claims to be non-binary…
What exactly is your point?
Any complaints from your customers?
Mr. Mignonette, if a child places a football, a doll, a toy bulldozer, or a princess palace on their Christmas list, I have not, do not, and will not ever question their request or reverse it because of anyone else’s opinion. Furthermore, I do not pass judgment on these children to approve or deny them anything of the sort. Where did you come up with that question?
Our readers are a curious collective. We aim to give them the answers they desire.
Do you now?
Moving on. With the exponential rise in technological advancements, are you concerned about rogue agents utilizing modernized methods to infiltrate your compound and revealing the secrets behind your system?
Everyone knows the rules: No peeking before Christmas.
Yes, but even you must admit that things are quite different compared to 50, 100, 700 hundred years ago. Is your job much more difficult today compared to the beginning of your historic run?
Of course, things are different now. Everyone has evolved with the times, especially the gift-makers.
So you’ve updated your efforts as well.
I may be over 1,700 years old, but not everything about me is antiquated. My seat in the sled used to be a pine bench, and my red suit was made from the itchiest wool. Now I have cushions, seat warmers, lumbar support, Gore-Tex outer shell, breathable, moisture-wicking hi-tech polyester, and custom insoles. In 2022, my equipment is so advanced it makes Batman look like a Pre-Cambrian organism. In order to deliver gifts to everyone in 24 hours, it takes a lot of effort. I have to keep up with billions of people. Holiday terrorists aren’t the only ones taking advantage of modern advancements. (Singing) He sees you when you’re sleeping/He knows when you’re awake! Ho, ho!
Speaking of, some would say your methods, while beloved characteristics of a millennium-old tale, could be interpreted as an invasion of privacy.
I think that is a very different and, frankly, disappointing interpretation of what I set out to accomplish every year. Who on Earth would have an issue with my purpose and meaning?
He sees you when you’re sleeping? He knows when you’re awake?
I didn’t write the song. I’m just a humble saint on a mission. I can’t be held responsible for bad press and odd interpretations of certain customs. What’s next? Someone will say I “created” the tradition of leaving snacks in stockings because I have a foot fetish? Humbug, I say.
What about the accusations by anonymous sources claiming you are using your generous reputation as the bringer of toys and gifts as a cover for global voyeurism?
(Pause) Did the Easter Bunny put you up to this? I’ll drop a Yule log on that little rodent’s head to shut him up if I have to. That rabid varmint—
It wasn’t the Easter Bunny.
So who is the source of this slanderous falsehood?
An anonymous source, sir.
Coward.
…that accusation of—
Mr. Mignonette, my intel is gathered in an earnest and honorable way, but heed this warning: I see you when you’re sleeping, I know when you’re awake, and I know when you’re not home when you should be, where you are when you’re “working late,” and I’ve seen a few company emails from your account that’ll get you a lump of coal shoved where the reindeer don’t go if you continue down this road of questioning. Is that understood?
My apologies.
I’m a saint, god damnit! They don’t just hand that title out to anyone.
I understand, Santa.
I’ve changed my mind. You must call me Saint Nicholas.
I’ll change my direction of questions.
Please do.
Favorite Christmas carol?
It sure as hell ain’t “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer!”
And why’s that?
WE SETTLED OUT OF COURT! THAT CASE IS CLOSED.
A shopping mall representative of you was arrested last week in Springfield after he—
Interview’s over, pal.
But Santa, Saint Nicholas? I haven’t asked you yet about accusations of reindeer mistreatment brought on by PETA!
(Door slam)
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