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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Phil McClintock, CEO of the Chesapeake Oyster Company™
555-555-1515
Let me start by saying thank you to all of our devoted clients, employees, and watermen. Through your support we have remained the best oyster supplier to the Washington, D.C. region and beyond.
Many of you have seen the recent news about our annual Oyster Festival being held in the same convention hall as a Donald Trump rally. Unfortunately, many in the press and public have mistaken our signature red baseball caps with the Chesapeake Oyster Company™ logo for Donald Trump supporters and their red “Make America Great Again” baseball caps. I’ve received a lot of questions from concerned fans and wanted to take the time to correct them.
1. We do not want to build a wall to keep the oysters out.
Our job is to bring the oysters in. We take great pride in making sure that our oyster beds produce the tastiest oysters in the Chesapeake Bay region. Yes, every once in awhile a bad oyster makes its way into our buckets. But to think that we would build a wall to keep all of the oysters out is crazy.
2. We do not think that there should be a ban on oyster to oyster marriage.
To our knowledge, oysters don’t even get married, so creating a law to ban them from marrying each other is unnecessary. But to be honest, if an oyster wanted to marry another oyster, who are we to get in the way of true love?
3. We believe climate change is real.
We have experienced, first-hand, the changes in the ecosystems of our oyster beds. Water levels are rising. Water temperatures are changing. We are a triple bottom line company that makes sure to take care of profits, people and the environment.
4. We do not want to ban oyster abortions.
Again, we’re pretty sure oysters can’t get abortions, but if they had to, it really is their choice.
5. We do not want to ban Muslim oysters from restaurants.
We have yet to meet an oyster who subscribes to a codified system of laws handed down by a higher power.
6. We do not think it is OK to grab oysters by their pussy.
Oysters are Protandric creatures, which means that the same oyster is male in the early stages of life and then female as it grows older. Oysters appreciate the delicate balance between male and female energy, and the Chesapeake Oyster Company™ would not do anything to disrupt that balance.
Over the next four years, we will continue to uphold the values of our company and support a progressive ecosystem for our clients, employees, watermen, and of course our oysters.
Sincerely,
Phil McClintock
CEO Chesapeake Oyster Company™
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