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Welcome back to another Thursday of Thanksgiving entertainment. I am your host, Scott Hanson, and I’ll be taking you on a whip-around through all of today’s Thanksgiving Day clashes across the nation. We will be commercial-free for the next six hours, checking in a various dinner tables, so you don’t miss a moment of the action.
It’s 1 P.M. and some families are beginning to convene as appetizers are just kicking off, so let’s jump right in. We’ll take you first to live action in New England, where the Bradford family is pulling up chairs and breaking bread.
SHEILA:
Everything smells so great, Nance. Any new surprises on the buffet this year?
NANCE:
Thanks dear. I went with a new stuffing recipe I saw on Rachael Ray. She said 2016 get togethers needed a pick-me-up, so I made a sweet stuffing with figs and dates and berries instead of sausage. Figured I’d give it a whirl. Other than that, I think you’ll recognize everything from last year.
SHEILA:
Ya know… I just can’t get enough Rachael Ray. Did you see that she is…
So, not a lot of action at our first stop. Let’s move to Cincinnati where we’ve got an early fumble and only some members of the Williams family are mobilized. What happens here will go a long way to determine the outcome today.
AUNT CHERYL:
Guys, I am so sorry about the spill. Can someone grab me some club soda?
UNCLE DON:
Teddy, grab your mom some soda and a rag. Cheryl, you know you gotta blot, right? Don’t just rub it.
UNCLE CHARLIE:
With how many times she’s dropped things over the years, I’m sure she knows.
UNCLE DON:
At home, I don’t even let Cheryl drink red wine anymore.
AUNT CHERYL:
Look at you two comedians. Glad we have you there air traffic controlling the situation. Teddy, put on some shoes and be careful when you come over here, the shards of wine glass are all over the floor.
AUNT MARY:
Donald! Charles! In my house if you want to help, then you come over and lend a hand. Otherwise zip it.
Hate to break away there but we have live action in Green Bay. Just want to give a warning because we have a pretty hard-to-watch moment unfolding at the Brandler household. Julia, who is home for college, just told her parents about her new girlfriend, Janelle.
JOE:
Janelle is a girl’s name.
CATHY:
Joe! Dear! Julia, I think what your father means is…
JOE:
Julia, please explain what you mean when you say, “Janelle. Your girlfriend Janelle.”
JULIA:
Dad! Stop making this harder for me. I know I’ve mentioned her name to you guys on the phone… She’s… I’ve… We’ve always been… It’s just that recently something changed and…
JOE:
Girl space friend? Or girlfriend?
CATHY:
JOE!
JOE:
I knew we should have kept you in-state and sent you to Marquette.
CATHY:
JOE! Stop that!
JOE:
Jules, this is just a phase. I know you know that we didn’t like your last boyfriend, but this… this kind of pressing our buttons… It’s a rebellion. I don’t want to hear any more.
Oooh, that was good. Fantasy owners across the country racking up points in that battle. To Pittsburgh now, where a one man wrecking crew, Grandpa Monty just poured his fourth glass of scotch and is ranting about Uber.
GRANDPA MONTY:
…but the point is that you have no idea who this person is, right? So he could be a guy who lives at home or some guy who reeks of vulgarity or he could even be a guy who stole the car that you are now riding in? And you are getting into this stranger’s car, sight unseen. So how do you know they will take you where you want to go and not where he wants to go? That’s not even a question, I don’t think. We are told to be more and more careful nowadays and there is a generation of kids who are getting into each other’s cars. So now electronic hitchhiking is popular, and I am the only one concerned? Here’s a better idea: Why don’t I rent a schoolbus…
Ok, you knew this was going to happen. Probably the biggest storyline we were watching coming into the day. This was minutes ago in Miami as discussions at the Colton house went political.
CHRISTINE:
Did you see the latest Trump tweet? He said we should pardon the turkey but not “Crooked Hillary.”
JACOB:
It’s Thanksgiving, can we just not with him today?
CHRISTINE:
Ignoring him as a threat is exactly what got us here in the first place. Why don’t you ask CNN how that worked out for them?
MARSHALL:
I don’t know if you saw this, but my friend Kevin posted on Facebook that if you call your representative or sign an online petition or whatever, it may be possible to convince delegates to the electoral college to vote with the popular vote instead of with their state. Last I saw, Hillary is up by 1.7 million in the popular vote.
JACOB:
Guys! Come on! Don’t let him ruin our day.
GERRY:
Ha! I cannot wait until Inauguration Day! Can we get together again that day? You are all welcome over at my house for another day of thanks and giving.
MARSHALL:
Wait. You voted for Trump, Gerry? I thought you cared about equality.
GERRY:
Do you want to know what makes our country so beautiful? It’s that we have a system set where…
MARSHALL:
Well if you think our country is so beautiful, why did you pick the “Make America Great Again” guy?
GERRY:
If you think the campaign was about a slogan or a wall or any other one thing, well, I guess that’s why it’s such a shock to you that your crooked little horse didn’t win.
While that’s going on in Miami, gonna give you an update on where things stand in New England.
DIANE:
Sheel, what did Nance put into this stuff? It is awful!
SHEILA:
She was saying something about trying a new, sweeter version this year. Something with fruit from Rachael Ray.
DIANE:
Don’t repeat this, but it tastes like one of those Nutri-Grain breakfast bars.
SHEILA:
Nance must have messed something up. I’ve never tried a Rachael Ray recipe and not loved it.
DIANE:
Really? Ever since that morning show, she quit on the food to hobnob with celebrities like Tom Selleck.
Let’s set up the double box and bring back in the political standoff in Miami AND the girlfriend reveal in Green Bay. This is apex Thanksgiving and we at Red Zone are thrilled to bring it to you.
JACOB:
Gerry, Obama bailed out the auto industry in Michigan and look at how they thank him.
GERRY:
Go ahead! Be mad at Michigan all you want. Or the Electoral College. But there’s a changing tide in this country, and you’re missing it. The media missed it. The elites missed it. That just goes to show you, the liberal playbook you get your cues from is out of touch with most of the nation.
CHRISTINE:
Most of the nation voted for Hillary!
CATHY:
Do you think this is one of those safe-space things they talk about?
JOE:
That culture definitely contributes to it. She’s off at some liberal arts college where no one’s there to tell her she’s on the wrong path. They’re just out there with some you can do anything in this world and be yourself nonsense. I have a better idea. How about be normal instead?
CATHY:
Joe. She’s your daughter.
JOE:
Damn right she’s my daughter! And it’s my responsibility to let her know that she’s making a mistake.
CATHY:
But what if she is just expressing herself. Remember the things you learned at college?
JOE:
Cathy, I learned about the real world.
GERRY:
This is the real world now. And you can protest all you want, but it’s here. Trump and Pence and Bannon and…
CHRISTINE:
You sound like you’re channeling Captain Anti-Planet.
GERRY:
It’s too easy. Trump isn’t even in office yet and you’ve all melted down into a tantrum. You got your guy for eight years and now someone else gets a turn, but you can’t even imagine it another way.
CATHY:
For years she’s been pining after boys. I cannot… I can’t even imagine it another way.
JOE:
This is not how we raised her.
CATHY:
Maybe we need to hear more from her. How this happened. Why… So we can be there for her. So we can guide her back.
We’re gonna jump out on that note. Still so much mayhem and intrigue to come. We’ll check in with some West Coast meals as they begin, in the next hour. Thanks for joining us as an escape from your family.
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