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Welcome to the greatest—and only—fictional award show that celebrates The Decade That Was!
In a world increasingly full of participation trophies, we wanted to hand out actual, albeit fictional, accolades to some of the important people, moments, and feelings that may have fallen between the cracks of every other online publication’s “Best of the Decade” list.
Without further ado…
Best Distraction (Good Times Division) by Dennis William
There was a lot of fun to be had in the Teens. We watched people jump from the bottom of outer space, win championships while pregnant, and be all artistic and what not. Here’s a look at the best ways we forgot about life for a while.
Game of Thrones
Everything about this series kept us riveted, from the TV show’s best moments enthralling us, to the TV show’s worst moments taking us through every stage of grieving, to the hardcore fans nervously wondering when, or if, the final book will be finished (even though we all know that George has ZERO PAGES).
Lizzo
Some may cry recency bias, but Lizzo showed up at the right time. The decade is closing during uneasy times, but we needed a reason say we’re FEELIN’ GOOD AS HELL, and that reason happens to be a hot, classically trained hip-hop flautist.
Fidget Spinners
I don’t know what to tell you; they’re irresistible. As an education professional, I have never confiscated a fidget spinner that I didn’t then play with.
Royal Weddings
We may have told the British monarchy to stick it up their nose, but we still like to gawk at their opulence. And we got to do that for two weddings this decade!
The Green Wave
In 2012, the first sticky-icky brick fell from the wall of kush prohibition, shrinking, in some small way, the chronic problem of restricted personal freedoms, and now the people 11 states and Washington, D.C. know what it’s like to live in America… on weeeeeeeed.
And the winner is… MARIJUANA.
Sure, its criminalization has been used to incarcerate people of color for decades and now hippie tech bros are swooping in to DISRUPT THE INDUSTRY. But still, pot can be nice and when a cop smells reefer on you, they shouldn’t arrest you. They should let you ganja ‘bout your day.
Best Distraction (Sheeple Division) by Dennis William
Wake up, people! Don’t you understand that they’re just trying to distract you from the real issues? The global shadow government WANTS you think electric cars can’t have extended range. That’s how they tether you to their charging stations and restrict freedom of movement. Here’s a look at how the Illuminati kept us docile in the 2010s.
The Fappening
On August 9, 2014, Missouri police officer Darren Wilson killed Michael Brown. This sparked weeks of protests, and eventually a state of emergency was declared. By the end of the month, thousands of nude photos of celebrities were leaked online in order to push the righteous disobedience occurring in Ferguson from public consciousness.
The Theater of TSA
Though we’d been taking our shoes off at airports and putting shampoo into David the Gnome growlers for the better part of a decade, the ‘10s saw the addition of full body scanners to the dance of bullshit we all must perform in order to board a plane. None of it makes you safer. If you fly in Europe, they will look at you like the dunderheaded American you are when you take off your New Balances.
Personal Responsibility for Going Green
Sure, Jeff Bezos has A/C running in 8 million square feet and refuses to use sustainable packaging in his multinational business and the government subsidizes corporate farms NOT rotating crops, but it’s our fault for not using public transportation that may or may not exist where we live. Yes, our capitalist overlords have really spent this decade ramping up personal responsibility for the climate crisis as a diversion from them lobbying for their legal rights to continue accelerating it.
And the winner is… Personal Responsibility for Going Green!
Everyone under the age of 18 knows that in 15 years they will die raiding an oligarchical compound for clean water. And we all know that wouldn’t happen if the millennials had just gone to the farmers market a few more times. Okay Boomer.
Best Inventions by Jesse Stone
Not every invention can be the transistor—that tiny little electric device that made the digital revolution possible—but that doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of new ideas worth celebrating in their own right. Without further ado, here are your nominees for the Best Invention in the Tennies!
iPad
Is it a giant phone, or a small laptop without keys? The canvas for every artist of the future, or an overpriced digital picture frame? Ever since its release in 2010—just 3 years after the first iPhone—the iPad has been confounding our expectations of what exactly Apple can convince us to buy.
Twitter’s 280 Characters
It’s hard to fathom that less than a decade ago we were all confined to communicating with each other in short bursts of 140 characters or fewer. Then came a command from on high to double that count to 280 characters. Yes, that’s right. Double. The result? Well let’s just s
Quantum Computers
What happens when you mix modern computing with the reality-warping ways of atoms? You get a quantum computer. What can they do? Well, one day they should be able to break every popular encryption scheme in current use. For now they can be used to [checks notes] solve the most pointless and esoteric computer problem ever devised, much faster than the world’s best supercomputer.
Hexbugs
The last decade has seen unbelievable progress in robots that can walk, dance, and converse with you as if you were a guest in WestWorld. But heading into this last decade, another group of folks took a look at all this progress and asked themselves: What would happen if you put a vibrating-thingy on the head of a toothbrush? The answer is you get a robotic bug that I will never be convinced does not have a soul.
The F-U Three
The F-U 3-pointer is one taken from waaay behind the 3-point line, and completely unassisted. Stephen Curry helped invent them over the last decade, and now assassins like Damien Lillard and James Harden are deploying them with unthinkable efficiency. The odds of half-court specialists within the next decade are basically approaching 100 percent.
And the winner is… Quantum Computers!
Seriously people, this is not a drill. Your passwords are about to be completely useless. Please try to imagine a world where all your personal data is constantly being hacked and leaked online.
Best Villains by Josh Bard
It seems like for every step forward we took this decade, a villain was there to make sure we took two steps back. We reached peak villainy again and again and again, so here are the nominees for Best Villain!
Mark Zuckerberg
From selling your information to bots to clogging your timeline with bots, Zuckerberg amplified false narratives, disrespected privacy, and put our election up for sale.
Bane
The gravelly voiced quipmaster narrowly edged out Thanos and The Demogorgon in the fictional villain regional, due to his undeniable scene-stealing and city-destroying charisma.
Donald Trump
While only holding the most important office in the world for 3-plus years of the decade, Trump was a cantankerous boob who questioned President Obama’s birth certificate and left a wake of lawsuits, bankruptcies, and probably eggy farts.
Raisins
Raisins continued their long run of making nothing around them better, spending another 10 years ruining pastries, salads, cinnamon bagels, and trick-or-treat baskets.
Harvey Weinstein
While not responsible for all of the awful abuse of power atrocities, Weinstein was a monster and the miscreant face of the Hollywood chapter of the #MeToo movement.
And the winner is… Raisins!
Finally some appropriate recognition for the fruit boogers that have terrorized us for ages. Grapes, be better.
Best Accomplishment by Thomas Viehe
A lot can happen in 10 years. Good things, terrible things, and very very average things. But there are a few notable accomplishments that have really made this decade worth remembering. Here are the nominees for best accomplishment.
Disney Owns Your Imagination
Since it acquired Star Wars, Pixar, Marvel, and Fox, what isn’t part of the The Mouse House?
Smartphones Replaced Personal Computers
At the beginning of the decade, I didn’t even own a smartphone (just a Blackberry knock off). Now I barely open a computer unless I’m at work. And I know I’m not alone. Those of you reading this on your phones while watching Netflix, you know what I’m talking about.
The British Leave the EU
We haven’t seen this kind of will-they/won’t-they saga since Moonlighting and Friends. THEY WERE ON A BREAK! C’mon Boris. Don’t let this end just yet!
Brussels Sprouts Taste Good
Do you remember hating Brussel sprouts as a kid? These bitter vegetables had a re-emergence in the Tennies and it’s not because of hipsters. Turns out some Dutch farmers figured they could make more money if they grew less bitter sprouts. Nice job, Dutchmen!
Nigerian Princes Return to Wealth
Maybe it’s just because I feel like I played a part in this accomplishment, but before the advent of the internet, few people knew of the plight of the Nigerian Royal Families. But thanks to a few generous boomers (and yours truly), this dazzling group have taken the world economy by storm. Watch out twenties, Nigeria’s comin’ roaring.
And the winner is… Smartphones.
Just looking at this harrowing present:
That’s what you get when you remove smartphones from our lives. We become empty vessels detached from reality. And I didn’t even mention the harvesting of our personal information, how I feel naked if I forget mine at home, or how the screen disrupts our sleep patterns. Good job, smartphones. You owned the Tennies, and my attention.
Stay tuned in 10 years for The Tennies Part II, Electric Boogaloo!
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