Player Haters’ Ball 2016: Hating on Everyone and Everything

I’m mad at everything, and in the spirit of Chappelle’s Show I would like to take a few minutes and hate on some players. (Warning: This is about to get uglier than Buck Nasty’s Mama.)

I hate you, Vin Scully, you old ass played out relic. Everyone pretends that they love you because you’re about to die.

Half the things you say don’t make any sense, and I’m pretty sure you’re a racist. For some reason it became cool to like you and gush about every “moment” of your never-ending farewell tour like you’re some national treasure. Nobody wants to hear your stories about radios… go poop your pants somewhere else.

Speaking of farewell tours, I hate you David Ortiz!

Yeah you Big Papi, you overrated spotlight hog. If the answer to “What position do you play?” is “I don’t” then you shouldn’t be in the Hall of Fame. After being showered with gifts and praise at every stop during your swan song season you went 1-for-9 against the Indians and were swept out of the playoffs… more like Dominican’t.

Speaking of Cleveland, I hate your entire city and everyone in it!

Where did this “Believeland” bullshit come from? All of this pissing and moaning about your tortured fan base that hadn’t won a championship in blah blah blah…ENOUGH! You know what other city hasn’t won a championship in forever? Tulsa, a city bigger than Cleveland. You don’t see Tulsans complaining that their football team sucks, because THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE A TEAM! LeBron pissed in your eyeball when he went to Miami and you all welcomed him back like bitches.

Speaking of battered woman syndrome, I hate you Beyoncé!

Yeah, I said it…come at me BeyHive. Your husband cheats on you with that good-haired Becky ho and you just let him waltz right back home? Sure you slammed him in a few songs, but you released the album on the streaming service that he owns! You really showed him… independent my ass. Oh, and thanks for basically handing Trump the election… way to go Bey.

(Previous paragraph redacted by editor… we don’t want any trouble. 🐝)

Speaking of politics, look who has the fattest skeletons in his closet! Yeah you, Ken Bone, you opportunistic slob.

First of all, Kenneth, did you really think either of those creatures were going to politely enter the Bone Zone and discuss their energy policies? Second, how the hell are you still undecided?? What piece of information are you waiting on to form your opinion about the two most polarizing political figures this century??? Have a spine for me one time, Boner! Stand for something! Your sweater sucks and your moustache makes you look like a 50 year old pedophile. You’re 34 and somehow you’re famous now. Lose weight and get a new wife. HATE HATE HATE!

Speaking of things that people on Twitter pretend to care about, I hate you Shark Week!

You’re just seven days of hipsters pretending to care about marine life. If nature shows are so wonderful, why the hell don’t people care about them the other 51 weeks of the year? The Discovery Channel is probably the bomb, it doesn’t deserve the fairweather shark bullshit.

Speaking of TV that nobody actually watches, I hate you Bill Simmons!

Yeah you, Sports Guy, you whiny thin-skinned nerd. This is painful for me to type because you’re basically my idol, but you suck now, bro. Your HBO show is GARBAGE. I wasn’t a hater at first, I gave it a chance, I watched every episode… but it SUCKS. Like, really, really bad.

And not the Ben Affleck rant, I thought that was fine. It’s everything since then that has been painful to watch. Stop trying to be funny, stop with the ungrateful bitching about ESPN, and stop interjecting yourself into every question while trying to relate how being a rapper or a basketball player compares to being a sports blogger… just stop. I know it took months for your team of producers and stylists to settle on the perfect “classic but casual” t-shirt and button-down combo, and you just recently figured out how to half-sit/half-stand for your monologue in a way that looks relatable and comfortable, but it’s just not working. How about you do a few Mailbags and give the timeslot back to Cathouse re-runs?

Speaking of whores… you know what, let me stop right there. That’s enough for now… but I still hate you, I hate you, I don’t even know you and I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you.

Goodnight.