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Ah, the Oscars! A night to honor the films that made us forget about the real world, except for this year, when we were reminded at every turn what a hellscape we live in.
There were many reasons to celebrate this year’s Academy awards, so let’s get those out of the way, I mean—let’s start with those.
Diversity Wins
Jordan Peele! Guillermo del Toro! A Fantastic Woman! Rachel Morrison and Greta Gerwig and Kumail Nanjiani and so many other groundbreakers were nominated and rewarded at this year’s Academy Awards. It was heartening to see Hollywood for once attempt to keep pace with the political movement. It’s not all the way there, but by rewarding films like Get Out and The Shape of Water over something like Three Billboards or The Darkest Hour, it feels like progress.
Tiffany Haddish and Maya Rudolph
Forget their own rom com, or action heist, or even just a single movie. Please give Maya and Tiffany their own Marvel Cinematic Universe than spans decades. They were, hands down, the most charismatic and hilarious presenters. Tiffany Haddish waving at Meryl Streep should win an EGOT.
Stage Design
The stage morphed and mutated so many times into different rich, sweeping displays of extravagance that I almost felt bad for watching an awards show for an industry that places a literal value on vanity, wealth, and superficiality. But it looked super cool and futuristic! So, yeah, I dropped my moral qualms and got into it.
Meryl Streep Sat in the Front Row
As she should be, Meryl was seated front and center, and the Academy basically got her to be the official hype woman, for free. Any time she leapt up in her radiant red dress, the room followed suit. She also had the funniest and best reactions. I wish Meryl could win an Oscar for her awards show performances.
Baby Driver Was Shut Out
This is extremely petty. I *liked* Baby Driver well enough, but I did not understand the hype. And furthermore, I have strong feelings about Ansel Elgort, and they are negative. I do not like that guy’s face, and that is putting it mildly. I award you no Oscars, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Star Wars Bits
There were many Star Wars bits, and though not all of them went over well, I made some sort of noise any time they happened. Oscar Isaac rubbed BB-8’s belly. Kelly Marie Tran looked like a princess. They included a porg in the clip they showed for one of the sound categories. John Williams got a shoutout in the speech for Kobe’s movie. Star Wars may not have won any awards, but it just wins at life for being Star Wars.
Steven Spielberg, Kate Capshaw, and Harrison Ford
It was as if these moments were scripted for me and only me. Firstly, Jimmy Kimmel asked what Steven’s job was, and he said “Being married to Kate Capshaw.” Swoon. Stevie has frequently talked about how the best part of making Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was meeting his wife.
I like this story because A) I still love Temple of Doom with my whole heart, and B) I like that Stevie still has to talk about it, even though it’s considered one of his worst. Later in the show, Jimmy asked Stevie if he had any weed. This was a funny moment because I don’t know if Stevie has done any drugs in his life, ever. He doesn’t read as that type of guy. And finally, Jimmy made a joke about Harrison Ford’s multiple plane crashes—which was probably the joke I laughed at hardest. These bits were exactly my style.
OK, onto the bad! It wasn’t like last year, amirite? Remember last year? When they messed up with the envelopes? Well, the Oscars really wanted you to remember that classic Oscars moment. It was a lot.
Ryan Seacrest on the E! Red Carpet
At my house, we flipped between coverage on E! and ABC. At first, a few people stopped to chat with Ryan. Then Taraji P. Henson straight up ROASTED him, and they kept cutting back to Giuliana and the Glambot more and more. Compare this to ABC’s coverage, where Michael Strahan and Wendi McLendon-Covey seemingly interviewed every celebrity invited to the show. This was not a great look for E!, who had really dug their heels in the sand with all of Seacrest’s sexual harassment allegations. Yikes!
The Remote Bit
Having recently walked from the Dolby Theater to the Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard, let me drop some insider knowledge: it’s not a super short walk. It, like the bit where Jimmy and celebs surprised people at a different movie theater, went on too long and didn’t even produce any quality memes. Let’s stop doing this, Academy producers!
No One Pranked Beatty and Dunaway
Before Best Picture was announced, they cut to a shot of the envelope, carefully labeled and on display. Frances McDormand walked right past it with her envelope, and with that, we lost out on the best prank of all time. I would like to write a movie in the style of Ocean’s 11, but instead of a heist, it’s about switching the Best Picture envelope for a prank.
All things considered, the ceremony was pretty standard, with a couple of surprises (Dunkirk for everything technical, namely) but nothing shocking to top last year’s debacle. Frances McDormand accepted her award for Best Actress and made all the ladies in the house stand up, which was poignant and fitting for the turning tide. They paired Gal Gadot with Armie Hammer as presenters, which I’m surprised didn’t break TV screens everywhere from the pure beauty. And John Williams was snubbed for Best Score, but he wins for “My Most Played Artist on Spotify” and “Most Tracks on My Run Playlist by the Same Artist.”
Happy 90th Birthday, Oscars! Please bring back Jane Fonda and Helen Mirren to do everything.
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