Obituary for the English Language: English {for Dummies}

Obituary, May 14, 2016:

The English language, following a protracted descent on this side of the Atlantic, died today at 12:43 P.M., EDT, when the following exchange on William Street in Lower Manhattan passed for communication and discourse:

“Cuz, I was like, oh my God, really?!”

The seemingly intelligible response followed.

“Riiiight?!”

Services will be held at St. Paul’s Church in London as no suitable U.S. venue could be, uh, like, found.