{Missed Connection}: Man Seeking 10 Women (m4murder)

I saw you last Friday night, at your sorority house, where I snuck in through an unlocked window on the first floor.

About me:

I was wearing a loose fitting black shirt, and black jeans, and a scary mask that covered my face. When I jumped out from behind the curtain, it may not have been clear that it was a loose shirt and not a muumuu. Someone said, “Genevieve, take that muumuu off!” And, not to mansplain or anything, but the combination of the bagginess of my shirt and the curtain must have created an optical illusion, and in the pandemonium after I pulled out the knife, I never got a chance to clear that up.

While I may seem like just another stereotypical horror movie killer (I do have an insatiable bloodlust), I do believe in kismet. Normally my murder sprees are better thought out, but maybe it was in God’s plan to foil this one so spectacularly, so we could get a second chance at a first impression. #blessed

About you:

Woman 1:

You were blonde-haired and short, and definitely a leader-type. You were the first one who suggested “HE’S GOT A KNIFE, EVERYBODY RUN!” and also told me “GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, CREEP!” You were one of the faster women in the house, and I was very taken by you, whereas often I am the one who does the taking.

Woman 2:

You were wearing a grey Patagonia fleece and bright blue leggings. I was impressed by your athletic build as you leaped over the couch too quickly for us to bond. Later, I think it was you who hurled a remote control at me. You played an excellent game of “hard to get,” which has always been a successful way to get my attention. I don’t mind opening up and letting a woman know when she has made an impression.

Woman 3:

You were the redhead sitting cross-legged on the floor, pretty absorbed by whatever TV show was on. In the ensuing panic and chaos, I felt especially drawn to you. It may have been because you seemed like the easiest to get to, but alas, you got away too. As my interests and goals go, I’ve always appreciated cleverness, and I’ve been unable to take my mind off how resourceful it was to throw things into my pathway. Just know that there ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from getting to you.

Woman 4:

You were not nearly as in good shape as your sisters, which I am sure must be a constant frustration. But if it’s any consolation, you were somehow just as spry and hard to wrangle. By conventional standards, you should have been the first to go, but your swiftness reminded me to never judge a book by it’s cover, and I love that about you.

Woman 5:

You absolutely knocked me off my feet. You blindsided me with a broom as I was leaving that TV room. They say that behind every strong man is a strong woman, and in this case, that worked out to your advantage. It impressed, and left a mark, physically and emotionally. Usually I find strength in women to be challenging, but I would love to give it another chance.

Woman 6, 7, and 8:

Honestly, I never got a great look at any of you because you all escaped down a hallway. I pride myself on trying to establish one-on-one connections, but after being upended by the aforementioned broom I had to regroup. You should know that I’m not one to make excuses, so I would like to meet each of you more formally and learn more about what makes you unique.

Woman 9:

You were wearing white and red Adidas trainers that I got a close look at when I dove at your feet to try to keep you from getting out the front door. At first you had a mysterious cool about you, and then you shrieked a blood-curdling howl that almost made me think that I was the one in severe peril. I know it’s hard to ask for your trust, but I think we could make an interesting pair, if you let me get closer to you.

Woman 10:

I never saw you but you were shouting through a locked door that your boyfriend was coming to “Kick my ass.” Boyfriend or not, I have never been someone who has played by the rules. And while a locked door did keep me from you, I have enough self-esteem to  know that other men are no more deserving than me, of that special someone.

Missed Connection:

To each and every one of you ladies: I would like our paths to cross again, and if you are feeling the same way, please leave the same kitchen window unlocked this Friday night. I’ll know it was you.