MINIPROMPT: What’s Your Favorite {Rihanna Song}

For better or worse, this Sunday represents the annual new brand of Americana: Super Bowl Sunday. Violent hits. Play action. Gun-slinging. It’s a celebration of consumerism, gladiators, money, and nachos. And, at the center of it all, Rihanna.

Rihanna is the halftime performer for Super Bowl LVII. A good girl gone bad. A billionaire. An icon. So we asked our staff writers, some of whom are not exactly Rihanna’s demo: What’s your favorite Rihanna song? Here’s what we heard.

Josh Bard – Disturbia

Rihanna has so many bangers, it’s hard to pick just one. But for my money (I believe it’s about .0001 cents per stream on Spotify) I’ll go with Disturbia. Upbeat, fun, and spooky. It has the big, immediately recognizable drum beat open that opens up like a thief in the night to come and grab you. It can creep up inside and consume you. Rihanna is telling you what the song is going to do to you as it’s doing its thing! I hope we get the spookiest Rihanna song during halftime, as one team sits in their locker room trying to figure out how to change their fate.

Michael Maiello – We Found Love

In American popular music, there have been many great songs that capture the struggles of economically deprived young people wrestling simultaneously with their passions and material reality. I could tell you a ditty about Jack and Diane, or about Tommy the dockworker and Gina the diner waitress, or even another waitress, without a name, who worked in a cocktail bar. But only Rihanna was willing to face the true cruelty of the American system: “We found love in a homeless place. We found love in a homeless place…” Yellow diamonds, indeed.

Mikael Johnson – Diamonds

In 2012, I was working in a psychiatric hospital in the adolescent ward. A couple of the girls who were patients would walk around singing Diamonds. I’ve never been hip and had no idea what song they were singing or who the singer was behind it. After about a week, most of the staff were singing it too, including myself. Though, I wouldn’t sing it, more so I’d just randomly exclaim, “Shine bright like a diamond,” in various affectations—again, not because I was familiar with the song, but really just mimicking the echoes of where I worked. Well after the workday was over, I’d spew out, “Shine bright like DIEmond!” in the shower, reading a menu or waiting for the bus. Finally, my girlfriend was like, “When did you start listening to Rihanna,” to which I replied, “Who?”

Jillian Conochan – Needed Me

In my pettiest, stick-it-to-the-manniest (Manning-est?) dreams, rows of makeup chairs line a long, narrow stage. A string of models in lingerie strut out, one by one, sitting their asses, ranging from bony to extra extra peachy, in the chairs. Makeup artists rise up hydraulically from secret trap doors and begin prepping their beautiful faces. A banner the size of Old Glory unfurls from the rafters.

SPONSORED BY FENTY, it reads. Rihanna never shows.

I don’t know why I want this. I don’t know why I’m like this.

The musical version of this spectacle is a medium-known track produced by DJ Mustard, Needed Me. Rihanna doesn’t need us. She doesn’t need to release new music. She doesn’t need to sing or dance or show us pictures of her genetically superior baby. No baby; don’t get it twisted, this song reminds us. We neé-ee-eée-ee-ee-éed her.

Jake Cantrell – Umbrella

For me, Rihanna’s epic hit is about the only good umbrella propaganda out there. With the amount of shade and shelter available now, the umbrella has been rendered nearly useless. The umbrella industry is in shambles now thanks to supply chain issues and if not for Rihanna, these hand-held cloth shields would be just a dated accessory. I’d never cared to own an umbrella before hearing Rihanna’s platinum hit. Now, the only reason I don’t own one is in the hopes that one day, just maybe, I’ll be walking in the soaking rain when in the corner of my eye, I’ll catch a blurred glimpse of the musical icon herself, where she, with much pity, will say “Jake, you can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh…” Plus, how funny would it be to sing about umbrellas in Arizona where it hasn’t rained since the song debuted 16 years ago

Sarah Razner – Stay (feat. Mikey Ekko)

My favorite Rihanna song will most likely not make the Super Bowl Halftime Show setlist. Stay, a duet between Rihanna and Mikey Ekko, is the kind of tune that makes people sway with a lighter rather than jump in a stadium, become single balladeers in their car or bedroom instead of wannabe pop-stars screaming the lyrics in a club. There are no techno beats to be found here. Powered by the harmony and range, Rihanna and Mikey sing their way through one moving lyric after another. “Funny you’re the broken one but I’m the only one who needed saving/’Cause when you never see the light it’s hard to know which one of us is caving.” Oof that hits.

Yes, I love to dance and belt out Umbrella, We Found Love, and Don’t Stop the Music, but there’s something to be said about an artist who is known for her party hits deciding to peel back the layers of her music until there is nothing left but voice and piano chords. It’s beautifully brave and melodically gorgeous, and just another example of the talent Rihanna has in spades.

Devin Householder – Bitch Better Have My Money

I’m a tragically unhip, beyond middle-aged white man. I’m ashamed to admit publicly that I don’t know any Rihanna songs, at least not beyond a few lines I’ve heard from time to time woven into popular culture. That established, I’m as surprised as anyone to have fallen in love with this particularly invective song title. I’ve never heard the complete song. I don’t know any of the actual words. I just love the title. So much so that very often when my wife and I are in any number of situations where we’re on hold with customer service, waiting for a waitress, working with our tax accountant, or chasing our daughter to retrieve our credit card, we stop. We look at each other. And we both mouth these words… bitch better have my money.