Prompt Images
Animals come in all shapes and sizes. Some are endearing, some are annoying, and some are straight up terrifying. So we asked our staff to tell us which animal on this green earth is the scariest. Here’s what they had to say.
Jillian Conochan – Aliens
Long, long ago, before M. Night Shyamalan invented twist endings, Orson Welles AND H.G. Wells actually invented them. Or not. The fuck do I know?
What I’m saying is, back in the 1900s, it was novel and unexpected for a sinister yet mildly identifiable voiceover to tease out this question over grainy, fast-paced black-and-white images of crocodiles and tigers and sharks and hippopotamuses, which is the true plural—look it up—and rattlesnakes and flesh-eating amoebas, only for lightning to flash on frame 23 and illuminate the speaker—MAN—in the riveting final frame. The scariest animal indeed.
But that sort of shocker conclusion is so last century; as foreseen as the interview answer in which you list your strengths as weaknesses (“I work too hard. I care too much.” And all that jazz).
So, if not man, which is the right answer but nullified by also being the trite answer, what’s the scariest animal in 2021?
At this point it’s gotta be aliens.
Mikael Johnson – Winnie, the Bulldog
The scariest animal that I ever encountered was an English bulldog named, “Winnie.”
I grew up in a townhouse development, and Winnie was owned by a neighbor two doors down. The owner was a friend of my mother’s, so there were times when I would have to go visit Winnie’s home.
Whenever anyone knocked, Winnie would run and hit the clear plastic door at full force, while barking and sounding (literally) like the cartoon character, the Tasmanian Devil.
Then, without fail, Winnie would vomit and lick it up.
This happened every time, and seemingly all the time, anywhere. Even when Winnie wasn’t slamming against the door, but when she was just out for a walk, or sitting in the backyard, she’d vomit and lap it up.
This always made me sick. No matter how many times I saw it. I never got used to it.
Winnie lived a long and full (though not always full) life. Her demise came at Ronald Reagan Airport while walking to board a flight. “She just collapsed and spread eagle,” her owner recalled to my mother.
It seemed appropriate.
One last spill and Winnie was licked.
Sydney Walters – Giant Squid
The giant squid. They have one huge eye, freakishly long tentacles, and a freaking BEAK.
To die by squid is to experience multiple agonies:
- Being sucked under water and slowly drowning.
- Being crushed by the pressure of the deep ocean.
- Being crushed by a beak. A BEAK, people.
I have squid nightmares frequently.
What the hell, right?
Kelaine Conochan – Shoebill Stork
Cheeky answers so far, but I’m sorry, have you people ever seen a shoebill stork? These enormous prehistoric dinobeasts look like they would murder your whole family for sport.
Why do they look so sinister? Are they henchmen? Serial killers? Barstool readers? And why does a bird have pecs? Why do these things walk like they’re sneaking up on you? And why does a shoebill stork sound like both a machine gun AND the ensuing carnage and hysteria from a mass shooting? Shoebills are my living, walking, flying, breathing nightmare.
Josh Bard – Alligators
I fear nothing more than alligators. They can beat you on land, they can obviously beat you in the water, and they can climb a freaking tree to get you. They can outrun and outswim you. They can drag you under or bite you in half or at least make you wish you were cut in half and dead rather than bleeding out. Seriously, look at this behemoth:
Alligators are prehistoric, nasty creatures so it’s no wonder they are so frequently found in Florida, a place devoid of reason and sensibility. The only thing I can do to make myself feel better is to remember that we are higher on the food chain than alligators, and whenever I see them on a menu, order some gator.
Ariel Cross – Billionaires
While taking time to deliberate my answer, many animals came to mind.
I thought of the shark, whose design evolution has not altered in tens of millions of years.
Next came the emu, with raptor claws capable of disemboweling a person with a single swipe.
Then a friend spoke out regarding the statistics of how easily humanity could solve world hunger and poverty, and my choice was made.
Billionaires are the scariest animals. Not merely man, or serial killers, or even cops. No, those whose wealth could erase all systemic inequality, yet they do not? These are the most terrifying creatures this world has to offer.
Billionaires, may the end of your existence be swift and just. See you in hell.
Sam Hedenberg – Canada Goose
The scariest villains of the animal kingdom are not found lurking in the deepest, darkest of jungles. They’re on the 14th fairway.
The Canada goose does not give a single fuck, and that’s what rattles me. Fiercely territorial, these bastards set up camp in recreational areas, letting you know with a hiss and a honk this park is theirs now.
Late for work? Better call your boss. These geese are crossing the road, and they’re going to take their sweet time.
Oh, did you like those shoes? They’re covered in green shit now. To a Canada goose, a sidewalk is merely toilet space.
What are you going to do about it? Nothing. Because if you step to a Canada goose, you’re going to get a face full of wings and beaks.
Don’t be a hero. Accept the Canada goose is king of that pretty pond and move on.
Mike Maiello – Beware the Black Molly
As a child, I had a 20-gallon freshwater, tropical fish tank that I filled with glittering neons, a little shark festooned as if for a Pride parade, a regal angelfish, two black mollies, a scum eating sucker fish, and a garbage devouring catfish. All were happy, it seemed. Then the neons began disappearing in the night, and maybe you could hear one of the black mollies reciting Agatha Christie. Then the shark lost a fin. Then another fin. Then its dorsal fin. Then its head. Slowly, the angelfish was gone, part by part. Then, one of the mollies was gone and the other ruled the tank. Only the bottom dwelling, garbage eating fish were untouched. Perhaps, as in life, these sanitation workers helped to dispose of the bodies. That black molly, who ate its neighbors bit by bit in the night but swam around with them all day as if nothing had happened, was nature’s purest sociopath.
Anthony Rogers-Wright – White Supremasaurus Male Mediocritis
Thought to be on the brink of extinction in 2008 after Barack Obama’s election, many considered the white supremasaurus male mediocritis doomed. However, a crash program funded, in part, by the Koch Brothers, American Legislative Exchange Council, and the Tea Party invested heavily in restoring the threatened species’ habitat–in some cases expanding it to include large swaths of Harlem, New York, Inglewood, California, and the H-street corridor in Washington, D.C.
These recovery efforts consisting of a robust combination of increased white fear based on bullshit, myopic dogma such as white men are the most marginalized citizens in a nation that was stolen for and by them, and the manufacturing of a toxic presidency presided over by a red toupee wearing megalomaniac, engendered precarious side effects making the recovered species one of the most dangerous in the world. Add in the species proclivity for rejecting the outcome of a presidential election, the reality of climate change, and allegiance with the Delta strain of COVID-19 via treating masks as anathema, you can see that the species is poised to engender a new season of precariousness.
Do NOT attempt to reason with these animals. Also, BLM yard signs work on them as well as bear spray works on bears.
Eric Mochnacz – Peach Fuzz
Hi. Everyone is wrong.
This wolf.
Named Peach Fuzz.
That’s all you need to know.
Oh, and snakes.
Did we miss any of your scariest animals? Sound off on Twitter!
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