Our Menu Options Have Recently Changed (So, {Get in Line})

Thank you for calling HoldTech. Your call is very important to us and someone will be with you shortly. 

If you have called recently, please listen closely as our menu options have recently changed. If you have not called recently, please listen closely as our menu options have been described as frequently confusing and consistently changing.

At HoldTech, the customer experience is always our top priority, so we customize each call for you. If you would like the menu options to be read from 1 to 9, please press 7. If you would prefer them to be read from 9 to 1, please press 4. If you do not have a preference, please do not push any number and we will offer them in a random order. 

Para espanol, marque dos. 

If English is your only language, please consider learning another. The world is a big place, full of wonder. If you would like to enroll in a foreign language program, please hang up and dial your local town hall for class offerings.

We hope you are having a great day, and that we can be a part of it. If you would like to leave us feedback at the end of the call, we would greatly appreciate you taking a survey about whether or not we met your needs today. Before you begin though, it is important to know that our moms are conducting the survey, so please do not upset them.

You are 79th in our queue, and estimated hold time is between one and two hours. If you would prefer a call back when your wait is over, press 4444554445 and our operators will call back when you are first in line. If you would prefer to wait here in the queue, press 4445445. Also, in case you didn’t know, queue is just another word for line. 

Please understand before opting in to a callback that we cannot promise that the call won’t come at the absolute least opportune time. Consider avoiding any significant bathroom trips or activities that could tie up your phone, your mental bandwidth, or your ability to chat.

Have you registered your product with us? That will greatly help us provide the highest form of customer service. Have you registered to vote? That will greatly help this nation provide the highest form of customer service. At any point, say “Representative” to find out the name of your district’s Congressperson and the date of the next election. 

If you are calling because you are not happy with your product, please press 5.

If you are calling to check on the status of your products, please press 8.

If you are calling because you are on a treasure hunt and found an Easter egg on our website, which directed you here, please press 777. 

If you would like to start back at the beginning of the menu, please press 8.

If you noticed there were two options that both asked you to press 8, we would like to hire you. If you’d like to work for HoldTech, please press 8. 

Good news! You have moved up in the queue. You are now 78th. We can’t wait to talk to you!