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I’ve known Max Brewer since high school, and in all that time, he’s never been conventional. His hair was rarely its natural color—I’ve only recently learned that it’s brown—and rarely has he let society dictate how he should live.
So, it wasn’t that shocking to me when Max became part of a “polyamorous ‘throuple.’”
Max actually has his previous—and disastrous—relationships to thank for meeting Travis and James.
“I used to belong to a group here called the Houston Gaymers, which was a gathering of LGBTQ+ video gamers. My first boyfriend was still very active in the group—becoming one of its leaders—and my second boyfriend was also a member.” Feeling overwhelmed by these regular reminders of relationships that were overwhelmingly troubled by issues like infidelity and distrust, Max dropped out of the group. But when a friend convinced him to come back, he was introduced to “the boys.”
Despite coming away feeling like he’d just met some potentially great friends, months passed before Max actually saw them again. When they did reconnect, it was because James reached out to him on a dating site. Funnily, while Max recognized him instantly, James didn’t remember meeting him. “We had a good laugh about it, talked a while, and then eventually decided we should meet up to hang out.”
Going into it, Max didn’t anticipate becoming a full participant in James and Travis’s relationship, which had been going on for nine years at that point. This wasn’t his first time proving that three’s company too, but nothing serious had grown from it before.
He didn’t expect to fall in love.
“I began spending the night, sharing the bed, getting up and heading out to work in the morning. At some point—as with most relationships, I think—the natural progression saw all three of us realizing that there was more to our friendship.”
Soon enough, Max moved into the house Travis and James already shared. But it wasn’t smooth sailing. Being the “newest addition” to the relationship, Max struggled with feeling like he was disrupting the established partnership between his new paramours. “I didn’t want to be a homewrecker. I told them from the get-go that if I ever caused any problems between them, I would remove myself because I wouldn’t be responsible for that.”
Considering the trio has been together nearly seven years, and upgraded to a bigger house that better represented everyone, I think it’s safe to say he was never in danger of wrecking any homes.
For Max, being in a polyamorous relationship has revealed so many new truths about relationships.
The most obvious finding is that it’s possible to be fully committed to two people at once. “There is enough love to go around for as many people as you can have in your heart,” he said.
Another lesson, which is one I learned from watching his relationship with the boys grow, is that it’s okay to not be everything your partner needs. “Jealousy is a wasted emotion. It is okay for your partner to receive love and support and happiness from others that you may not be capable of. We don’t have to be perfect, and having someone else to provide perspective, to fill in the gaps, is a strength, not a weakness.”
They’ve also confirmed just how heteronormative and “nuclear family”-leaning society is.
Obviously, there’s the fact that any one person can’t be legally married to more than one other person. Though Max refers to James and Travis as his husbands, unless the laws change any time soon, they can’t make it official. This limits their legal and medical rights as partners; it even made buying their house a bit of a nuisance. “The documents don’t have signature lines for 3 people.”
The biggest takeaway is something outsiders struggle to understand.
The relationship that Max, Travis, and James share is not that different from any other. “I compare it to many of the relationships I see my friends in, just with three people instead of two.” They have the same bumps in the road as everyone else—there’s just one more set of emotions and idiosyncrasies to deal with.
Educating people on the normality of their throupling isn’t limited to heterosexual, monogamous couples (or the older members in their families, who have generally instituted the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy of acceptance). Even within the LGBTQ+ community, there are stigma and misconceptions. People often assume they’re in a fully open relationship or that they’re “greedy or sex-crazed maniacs.”
On the other side of things, their relationship gets fetishized.
“[People in the gay community] think that we must be having sex all the time, that every time is a threesome, that they would love to have two boyfriends.”
For the most part, though, the boys find curiosity and acceptance.
Max says this is, in part, because polyamory is becoming more prevalent. But he thinks the main reason—and I’d agree—is just the reality that relationships are different for everyone.
The approach to polyamory that Max and his partners employ doesn’t look the same as the next polyamorous couple, just like how my marriage doesn’t look like my friends’ or strangers passing on the street. Relationships are configured in whatever way works best for the people involved in them. And for the boys, it works with three people sharing a life and a home.
“But the reality is, this is the most normal relationship I have ever had.”
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