{Lazy River} of Consciousness

i should stop watching Great British Baking Show

get up

grab a LaCroix

take Norah to the beach

probably Second Beach

even though there are so many off leash dogs

which makes me furious

because there are clearly posted signs

but not furious enough to keep me from going

because she loves to shit on the seaweed

turn around

walk three paces

then fling sand at her shit with her hind legs

what is sand really

okay it’s basically tiny rocks

that got tiny from rubbing up against other rocks

all these tiny rocks dry humping

i bet it makes sand mad to be used by people

surviving a creation miracle spanning millions of years

until someone dumps them into a box made of two-by-fours

where kids are supposed to play

but quickly becomes a place for outdoor cats to shit

i don’t think dirt gets mad though

it’s already basically shit

decaying leaves and whatnot

seems like dirt would just be happy to take whatever life throws at it

it’s totally possible the ghosts of the things that became dirt get mad

little angry cricket ghosts and grass ghosts

bits of those biodegradable plates ghosts

the ghost of that apple i threw from David’s car is probably really mad

i barely ate that apple

come find me ghost apple

i live like four states away now

throwing things on the ground makes me feel like a king

if i were a porn star i would call myself BB King

i would do a whole porn called The Emperor’s New Condom

i play a despot who thinks he’s wearing a condom and nobody is willing to correct him

for fear of looking stupid

this porn will not follow the complete storyline of that fairy tale

because children

i’m glad that i’ll never have children

not just because of the coming Waterworld

all that overpopulation resource related stuff

the ethical bullshit i cite when most people ask me about it

my secret selfish reasons

mostly about having kids would probably make me a better person

and i’m really quite okay with where i’m at now

mostly good and sometimes bad

still able to say things like he has a sheep anus for a mouth

sleep in when hungover

eat turkey wraps naked

do anything naked really

go to China if i want

never come back if i want

or if i get abducted which i do not want

commit one of the many crimes I imagine committing

or just not get a flu shot

because i’m not sure i believe in it

because i’m lazy

because CVS is always a hassle

but what isn’t a hassle these days

Great British Baking Show

oh it’s fucking Bread Week