Kindergarten {Graduation} Speech

BUCYRUS, OHIO — A local man was arrested on charges of disorderly conduct at John Dewey Elementary School, early Thursday afternoon. Witnesses report that Bradley Jefferson had been sitting in the audience of Dewey Elementary’s kindergarten graduation before storming the stage 5 minutes into the ceremony.

“I had gone up to the front to get a picture of my little Kaidon,” said Ashley Pincziki, mother of one of the graduates, “when out of nowhere, Brad knocked me over and jumped up on stage.” Pincziki went on to describe how Jefferson wrestled the microphone away from Principal Mark Haffert before screaming about how the event was a fraud.

Ben McElwain, another parent, had been sitting with Jefferson. “Brad and I had been sitting next to each other. Our kids played tee ball together, so we know each other a little bit. He had been asking me what I thought about the whole thing [the graduation ceremony]. I told him I thought it was fine, since it got me out of work. He just kept muttering about how it was weakening our kids and conditioning them to expect praise every time they wipe their asses. I guess he didn’t think it was necessary to honor our children’s accomplishments.”

Multiple attendees of the ceremony reported the honorees looking adorable in their tiny blue and yellow caps and gowns, but distraught once Jefferson’s shouts of the lack of backbone in today’s youth filled the auditorium.

Chief of Bucyrus Police, stated that when responding officers arrived on the scene, Jefferson was still fending off the school’s principal and janitor and reprimanding the gathered parents, grandparents, and staff on their complicity in teaching the kindergarteners that everything they did deserved a parade.

Betty Fulton, whose twins Paxton and Payton were serving as co-valedictorians, added that “Brad had ample opportunities to express his concerns at our weekly PTA meetings. He certainly didn’t need to ruin my boys’ special day with all of that profanity and implications that one day they might fail at something.”

At the time of publication, Jefferson had been released on bond and ordered to stay 500 feet from Dewey Elementary.