Is Kanye West Joining The Beatles? A Theory

Last November, I discovered that if you go onto Amazon’s “Today’s Deals” page and sort by “discount – high to low” you’ll find some pretty interesting stuff. All of the products that are listed above 85 percent off are either magazine subscriptions, or out of date technology like iPhone 4 chargers (you know, the ones that are still connected to every elliptical and StairMaster machine just in case a time traveler from 2009 wants to charge his phone while he breaks a quick sweat).

7-Elevens are also still pushing these bad boys.

But the magazine subscriptions caught my eye. As most of my friends know, my lifelong dream is to turn my living room into the waiting room of a dentist’s office. So, needless to say, when I saw that I could get a year’s worth of magazine subscriptions for only $5 (this was on Cyber Monday), I jumped at the opportunity and purchased like a dozen of ‘em.

Now, I know what Amazon and these magazines are trying to do when they mark down their subscriptions at 98 percent off. Before you finish making your purchase, you have to sign an agreement that pretty much says “unless you cancel within a year, your subscription will be automatically renewed at full price.” Basically, Amazon is making a long-term bet that you will forget to cancel your subscription, and that they’ll trick you into spending a hundred bucks on a bunch of paper articles that you can already read for free on the internet.

I’ll probably forget to cancel my subscriptions. Whatever. My home looks like a dentist’s waiting room. Mission complete.

Anyway, over the past few months since I started getting all of these magazines (or as the hip kids call them, “zeens”), I started noticing the same full page advertisement coming up again and again.

This one.

Sports Illustrated for Kids, InTouch, Men’s Health, Men’s Fitness, Women’s Health, Town and Country, Golf Digest, it didn’t matter, this Skechers ad featuring Ringo Starr—sitting on a couch in a way that no human being has ever before sat on a couch—kept showing up again and again and again.

While perusing the latest issue of Good Housekeeping, I happened upon the Ringo Starr Skechers ad for what must have been the thousandth time. But, this time I really started to think about it. Why would Ringo Starr, one of the last two surviving members of the second most iconic music group of all time (first being Baha Men, obviously), agree to be in a tacky advertisement for what is perhaps the least cool shoe brand in the history of feet?

Did we ever find out exactly who let the dogs out?

How much money did Skechers have to throw at Ringo to get him to sell out like this? And on that note, why would Skechers even reach out to Ringo Starr to be a celebrity endorser in the first place? I seriously doubt anyone has ever wanted to mimic the fashion sense of The Beatles’ rhythm section.

He actually coined the phrase “dress to impress.”

So how did this full page advertisement which, as I mentioned before, is EVERYWHERE, come to be?

I have a theory…

We can’t rule this out.

But seriously, I believe that Ringo Starr—the walrus, himself—is such an avid Skechers enthusiast, that he actually offered to promote the brand for free.

It’s the only plausible explanation. The idea that Skechers marketing team was willing to pay Ringo his going rate is just not realistic. He may be the least talented Beatle, but he is definitely not a sellout.

Definitely not.

And Skechers’ other celebrity endorsers are all-time great athletes like Joe Montana and Wayne Gretzky, and modern pop culture icons like Kim Kardashian and Meghan Trainor. You know… people whose footwear recommendations might actually influence the shoe-buying population.

The only way for this deal to have taken place, would be if Ringo Starr contacted Skechers himself and gave them an offer they just couldn’t refuse.

For all we know, he might’ve actually paid THEM.

So, what does this all mean? Well, it means that Ringo Starr really loves Skechers, and he wants everyone to know about it. But why? I’m sure a lot of senior citizens and T-Mobile employees love Skechers, but don’t feel the need to shout it from the rooftops.

It must be because Ringo Starr wants to get back to where he once belonged: INTO DRUMMING! And every Beatle fan knows that when the band broke up, Starr (for the most part) bid adieu to the drumkit in favor of a guitar and microphone.

With a few minor exceptions, the one and only band he slapped the skins for was The Beatles. So, in logical terms…

If:

1. Banging a kick drum thousands of times a night causes foot pain.
2. Skechers’ roomier fit and memory foam sole provides comfort and alleviates foot pain.
3. Ringo Starr wants everyone to know that he wears Skechers.
4. Ringo only plays drums for The Beatles.
5. Switching to Geico can save you 15 percent or more on car insurance.

Then: Ringo is playing drums again, and therefore the Beatles are getting back together!

That’s right. You heard it here first. After a nearly half century hiatus, The Fab Four are at it again. Sure, Lennon and Harrison have passed, but I’ve got a feeling McCartney knows some young whippersnappers willing and able to fill in the gaps.

Black Beatles.

So, in summary: I purchased over a dozen magazine subscriptions for less than $65, and Kanye West is now a Beatle.