Just a {Sucker} for Love

Idiot. You’re such an idiot. What a dumb thing to think.

Those words echoed in my head. I’ve never really been hit by a moving vehicle, but sitting at my computer, I thought about how this was the emotional equivalent of being crushed by an 18-wheeler.

The sentence I had just heard was “I’m going to a con this weekend, and I’ll be going with my girlfriend.” I mean, that can be a pretty harmless string of words to begin with. However, the fact that I had just heard them from someone who I thought I was in love with made it even worse. Mentally, this meant that all of my fantasies of a nerdy, cross-atlantic romance were crushed.

How am I going to survive? I thought. No one else will ever love me! Not only did this make me realize that I was played by my own daydreams, it also sorta helped me realize something else: I was a sucker for love.

Now, this deep fascination with romance is nothing new. Growing up as a weird, brace-faced, and slightly chubby Nerd, I couldn’t wait for the day when I got asked out on a date and maybe we’d even get to hold hands. However, being a Nerd with a capital “N” in a small town meant that I spent most of my time reading “kissing books,” watching John Hughes movies, and developing incredibly idealistic notions about dating. I figured that once I hit high school, everything was going to be exactly like Pretty in Pink, complete with Andrew McCarthy and his bad toupee.

Boy, was I a big ol’ sucker. Turns out that dating, romance, and love are nothing like the media, where everything is carefully thought out and scripted. In fact, it turned out to be brutal for a romantic such as myself.

So what does one do when they realize that they’re not going to have Richard Gere climb up a fire escape with a rose in his mouth? Well, the immediate reaction is to become bitter and extremely self-deprecating. Maybe, if you make people realize how miserable you are, they won’t realize that deep down, you feel like a total idiot. Or are secretly waiting for your own real-life version of When Harry Met Sally…

But trying to convince yourself you’re going to die alone with your 12 cats in a New York apartment isn’t really good for anyone, especially oneself. However, there is a silver lining to all of this continual disappointment and being a sucker for romance. And that is hope.

Each time I fell for someone, developed feelings, or even got rejected, it was hard to get out of a depression spiral that just focused on how gullible and dumb I was. Still, in the back of my mind, I always focused on the ideal that maybe, someday it would happen. I would get my movie-worthy romance. Even if I was sucking myself into another lie, it was still nice to think about.

Gradually, over time, I’ve learned it’s OK to live in a little bit of a fantasy world of romance. By making a fool of myself, I managed to become comfortable with being vulnerable. Finding my more authentic self, even if I felt like a total schmuck at the time. Because I knew, that deep down, I still had that little speck of hope. It’s something that’s always kept me going.

And besides, anyone who says they’ve never made a fool out of themselves for the sake of love is blatantly lying. So I guess that makes us all a bunch of suckers.