It’s Time for Another Game of {CRUSH} THAT {CELEBRITY}

Welcome back to America’s hottest new TV game show…

(audience cheers) CRUSH! THAT! CELEBRITY!

I’m your host, Josh Bard, and we have two excited contestants here hoping for a chance to…

(audience cheers) CRUSH! THAT! CELEBRITY!

Here’s how the game works.

Our contestants will compete three rounds of head to head physical and mental challenges before one is crowned the winner. That winner will then get an opportunity to literally crush a mystery celebrity by besting him or her in one last showdown.

But these aren’t just any random, mystery celebrities; they have been selected because they are one of today’s contestants’ top five most hated celebrities. Or as we here like to call it, the “Celebrity Crushee.”

Why are they so hateable to today’s players? Maybe they were featured on a former lover’s sexual amnesty list. Perhaps they ruined a favorite movie, TV show, or life moment. Whether it’s a difference of political opinion, the general snootiness they exude, their unwaveringly punchable face, or just being a Kardashian… we’ll find out as the show goes on!

Talk is cheap, so let me shut up bring out our contestants. Today, these two enter as simple, grudge-holding citizens, but one may leave with a heightened sense of self, and a flattened celebrity in their wake.

Round 1

Let’s move to round one. where our players will answer questions straight out the headlines of gossip rags and entertainment pages.

Round 2

WHOA! Someone’s been reading up on her People Magazine. Kathy out to a BIG TIME lead after our trivia round, meaning she’ll get a 30 second head start as we move into round two, The Hollywood Hells Obstacle Course.

Hollywood Hells mimics the life of celebrity. And celebrities are just like us, right? So can you navigate your grocery cart through a sea of paparazzi? Can you answer repeated questions from the press without losing your cool? Can you take criticism from the masses?

Now, contestants. On your mark. Get set. GO!

Round 3

Tyler pulling away for an unbelievable come-from-behind victory! What a finish! This gives Tyler the momentum and the lead going into our third and final round, in which we reveal the mystery celebrities who may meet their demise and allow Kathy and Tyler to convince to our studio audience jury, as to why they should be chosen to exact revenge and send a celebrity to our “Crush Tank.”

Tyler, as winner of Hollywood Hells round, you will have one minute to explain why you deserve to win. Afterwards, Kathy, you will only get 30 seconds for your appeal — but you do have the last word before the studio audience votes on who will be today’s champion, getting the opportunity to go face-to-face with their Crushee.

So, audience. Who’s it going to be? Who votes for Tyler as today’s champion? OK, and now, who votes for Kathy?

That was a close one, but in the end, Kathy’s passionate case against Guy Fieri was just too compelling.

Now, how do we crush our celebrities? It’s a customizable punishment based on our celebrity’s persona and history. And here at, audience, say it with me now, CRUSH! THAT! CELEBRITY! we have a crack-research squad developing poetic justice through an exquisitely painful physical experience.

Viewers at home, you may be wondering if this is real, but don’t worry. Actual celebs have been injured and maimed in the making of our TV show! We dropped a bowling ball on John Goodman’s foot, sent Harrison Ford into to a Star Wars trash compactor, and forced Ellen Pompeo into amateur surgery with minimal anesthesia. And Andrea Barber, who you may remember as Full House’s annoying neighbor Kimmy Gibbler, was covered in bird seed and closed off with 100 hungry pigeons for a full hour, in an empty house.

What fate will Sir Fieri meet tonight? Perhaps combat with a saucy donkey, or maybe he’ll face a drive-by in a diner. We’ll find out after this commercial break, when we bring out Guy Fieri and we…

(audience cheers) CRUSH! THAT! CELEBRITY!